No Turning Back (Rewrite)

Chapter 27

Some people find dissociating to be a frightening experience. Reality falls away and the waves of a blank void consumes you. Most drown in the nothingness; they're too caught up in trying to escape that they only fall deeper. Instead of fighting the darkness, I embraced it. I lay in the soft waves as if I was gliding down the lazy river ride at a waterpark. Rather than fear, I felt relaxed and calm. I needed a break from myself – from reality and the hell it had yet to bring.

But that break didn't fail to drive Jayden up a wall. He'd never seen me like this before – curled up in a ball with my head pressed into a pillow and an unseeing glaze over my eyes. My crying had prolonged my dazed expression, but it didn't prevent it. When Jayden saw the light go out in my eyes, he nearly lost his mind. He kept shaking me and coercing me to speak.

I ignored him at first, too tired to perform any action. The desperate tears forming in his eyes persuaded me to offer a few words, just to let him know I wasn't having a complete mental break.

Jayden wasn't convinced. For the next few days, he refused to leave my side. He constantly woke me from my undreaming slumber to force food down my throat or drag me into the shower to freshen up. Each time, he told me that I would feel a little better afterwards. "You need to take care of yourself," he said.

I would've rolled my eyes if I had more control over my body.

Truthfully, I did start to regain a bit more energy after every meal. Although I didn't have much of an appetite, I ate to please Jayden. I think trying to be present with him helped more than the food. I reminded myself how much he cared about me. Most people don't know how to deal with others who break down like this. They hand them off to a trained professional or detach themselves from the person until they're better. Not Jayden. He wouldn't give up on me, no matter how unsettling my behavior was at times.

Usually, he'd hold me in his arms, silently reassuring me of his presence. Other times, he'd try to engage in conversation or encourage me to play video games. All he wanted was to see the tiniest bit of a smile on my face. While he didn't receive it, he never stopped trying.

Even when the fateful day came that I had to confront my parents, he was still trying to cheer me up. He gave me a ride across town in his uncle's truck, holding my hand and talking about nothing. At the sight of my house, a sigh escaped his lips. "You don't have to go in by yourself, you know," he said. "I can go with you if you want."

"Nah," I replied. I squeezed his hand. "Thanks, though."

"Are you sure you'll be okay?"

I nodded. "I'll be alright." I pecked a kiss on his cheek. "I'll call you later."

I tried to ignore the knot tightening in my stomach. My parents were going to kill me. I'd come to accept it. All I could hope was that they'd make it quick. I didn't want to suffer another slow, agonizing torture fest. Let them chew me out. Disown me. Forget I ever existed. I didn't care anymore. All I wanted was to be happy – even if it meant being left behind.

"Danny!" Donnie's voice exploded through my ears. I could barely get my foot through the door before his tiny body collided into my leg. His small arms squeezed so tightly that he nearly cut off the blood circulation.

I patted his head. "Hey, Donnie."

He looked up at me, tears brimming his eyes. "Where did you go? I was so worried!" His bottom lip poked out as a sob threatened to escape. "I thought you got hit by a car! Or pushed off a bridge! Or abducted by aliens!"

I almost smiled. "I'm sorry. I spent a few days at Jayden's house."

"Without me?" He let go of me and crossed his arms. "I wanted to hang out with Jayden too!"