No Turning Back (Rewrite)

Chapter 19

Sleep became my new best friend. In the silent darkness, I didn't have to think about anything. Not school. Not my friends. Not my parents. Not my stubborn desires. Not even my own blissful fantasies. I enjoyed the long-overdue break from my convoluted thoughts every night. During the week, I started retiring to bed earlier and earlier.

At school, my mask drained my energy. My smiles and optimistic personality grew heavier and heavier. Some days, I'd drop them the minute I hopped into my car. Honestly, I wasn't sure how I carried them through the absurd student council meetings and substance-less lunch conversations. I'd guess because the pain in my cheeks had become second nature. I barely felt the burn anymore. If I did, it was because I wanted to feel something other than the dizziness from my spinning thoughts.

At home, there was usually silence. My parents returned to ignoring my existence. They only acknowledged me when they needed my presence for public events. I may have been a disappointment in their eyes, but they'd be damned if I appeared that way to others. When we weren't at dinner with their colleagues or formal get-togethers, my parents hid away in their offices or stayed late at work. I'd become numb to their lack of attention. It didn't bother me anymore. I couldn't say the same for Donnie.

Although he was, sadly, adapting to my parents' more prominent absence, it was clear he was hurt by their actions. He started slamming doors behind him, throwing small tantrums when he was upset, and holding short-lived grudges. His small outbursts and frowns didn't bother me either. Within a few hours after a tantrum and screaming how much he hated me, he'd usually come tip toeing back into my room with ice cream as a peace offering.

I always welcomed him into my arms and held him close. I never spoke when he began to cry. Instead, I tightened my grasp and silently assured him his feelings were valid.

On Halloween, I did my best to take his mind off our parents. I walked him around the neighborhood in his Miles Morales inspired Spider-Man costume. He received loads of compliments from our neighbors and other children on the block. None of them could believe Donnie could get his hands on such a costume. Each time someone asked Donnie where he'd brought the suit, he proudly pointed to me. "My big brother brought it for me," he said with a grin.

I didn't know what wonders clicking around on Amazon could do for the kid.

After the ghostly holiday, I tried to spend more time with him. Once a week, I took him out for a treat. On Sundays, I let him hang out in my room and play video games while I completed my homework. On the days when I wanted to sleep, I left my door open. Usually, he'd join me in my bed for a nap or he'd turn on the television at a low volume and quietly watch his favorite shows. Time wasn't much, but it was all I could give at the moment.

On a late Saturday afternoon, my brother woke me from a deep slumber. He bounced on my bed, screaming my name. "What," I grumbled into my pillows.

"Your phone is ringing," he said. He pushed the vibrating device to my ear. "It's Jayden."

My eyes shot open. I yanked my cell from my brother's hand and answered the phone.

To my relief, my friendship with Jayden hadn't taken an awkward turn. After our conversation in the parking lot, he seemed to wipe his memory clean of the kiss. He continued to behave as he normally did: indifferent to almost everything that moved.

Well, except me.

He started sending me his Spotify playlists with artists and songs he thought I'd like. In class, during independent time, we'd sit close to each other and share his headphones. He shared the works of artists I wasn't familiar with. Either we'd debrief on our short walk out of the classroom or we'd text once we'd gotten home.