No Turning Back (Rewrite)

Chapter 25

I can't remember the last time I was content with life. I had to be younger; maybe in elementary school. Before hormones. Before the acknowledgement of societal stereotypes. Before the construction of my masks. Before my mental health went to total shit.

I used to miss those times. After freshman year, I'd given up on the thought I'd ever be satisfied with the superficial life I was living. I'd accepted that I was unhappy and there was nothing I could do about it. I'd just have to deal with it. I never thought my life could take a turn for the better. Not after that horrific summer.

Truth be told, I was afraid of the happiness I'd be feeling lately. With every good day, I feared a bad one would follow. Life was going too well.

I'd fallen into the routine of spending all my free time with Donnie and Jayden. After basketball practice, I'd pick up the two and we'd hang out in the den. Usually, Donnie would play video games while Jayden and I worked on our homework. Occasionally, Donnie would ditch us to hang out with his own friends. Those were the times when I valued my empty house. I was able to make out with Jayden without worrying about someone interrupting.

On the weekends, I tried to plan small activities for the three of us to do. Often, we'd end up at the mall or an arcade. Donnie would drag Jayden around, babbling about whatever entered his little head. I strayed behind them, watching with a small smile. No matter how much time the three of us spent together, I never grew tired of observing their budding friendship.

Although mundane, our time together made me the happiest I'd been in a while. So much so that even the activities I absolutely despised didn't seem so bad.

Student council meetings stopped getting on my last nerve. Basketball practice with my pig-headed teammates seemed to fly. Even the stupid dinner parties my parents dragged me to stopped triggering the waiting flares in my mind. Somehow, I managed to maintain my mask without much effort – almost as if I was on autopilot. Which is ironic because for once I wasn't.

Instead of ignoring all my feelings and repressing every single emotion that flew through my body, I acknowledged how I was feeling. I identified my annoyance during meetings with my fellow council members, the irritation whenever Justin and his followers said some dumb shit to me, and the loneliness in the large crowds of pestering adults. Somehow, this allowed me to put more emphasis on the utter joy I felt whenever I was able to spend time with my brother and Jayden.

Still, the joy came with its own form of anxiety. The ending of a particularly happy day meant potentially going back into the dark abyss of my mind. While sleeping was always an escape, it was usually from the awful reality I called my life. Now, it was a small break from this blissful fantasy I was living in. The pause, although only for a few hours, meant opportunity for the entire dream to fall apart. Even when I slept next to Jayden, listening to his breathing and holding him in my arms, I was afraid something might rip him away.

What if he woke up and decided he didn't like me anymore? What if my parents found out about us? What if someone from school spotted us together or suspected our relationship? Or what if I did something stupid and fucked everything up – just like I always do? The fears were endless.

Almost every night, I couldn't help but wonder how long I was going to feel like this. While I wanted it to last forever, I knew it was only temporary. Life is never this good – not for long.

I tried to push my anxieties to the back of my head as I prepared for our Valentine's Day date. A particularly difficult task on a night like this.

For the first time, Jayden and I were going out for dinner. I'd made reservations at a high-end restaurant near the edge of town. After extensive research and canvassing, I concluded not many people from my personal life dined there. It was way too formal to attract an abundance of teenagers and yet not expensive enough for my parents' colleagues. It seemed like the perfect place to take Jayden – especially on such a cheesy, romantic holiday.