All There Is

4.Matt

One // U2

I'm not sure taking Hannah for burgers with Mark could be considered a first date. But it sure as hell feels like one. I haven't been this nervous with a girl since I took Amber out the first time. And this nervousness is worse because I already know how bad I can screw up a relationship.

With Amber, I was always so afraid that she would find out what I was trying to hide, namely all of the bullshit that my dad constantly shoved down my throat. How I was only good for football, so I better stay focused. How I'd never measure up. How I was an idiot.

With Hannah, I'm not nervous about that shit. She's already blasted through those lies. I actually told her what he thinks, and she's insisted none of it is true. I'm not worried about that anymore. But I am worried about myself, about my control. Will I treat her the way I treated Amber? Will my mouth go off before I can shove the poison words back down? Will I be the guy who deserves her or the guy who takes her for granted?

It's a shit ton of pressure to put on myself so soon after finally seeing this part of my life for what it is. I mean, there's no twelve-step program for assholes anonymous, is there? I'd be the poster child for damn sure. I don't know if I'm jumping into the deep end before I can swim but with Hannah, I can't help myself. I want to have her with me, to be with me, even if it might be too soon.

That's why I laid it all out there over two months of texting. I want her with me fully aware of who I have been and who I want to be. No more hiding. No more trying to be on top by forcing everyone else to the bottom. Now, I want Hannah to be the one to shine and I'll just go along for the ride.

My fingers lace with hers as we pull away from my house. Mark was fine to go home, belly full and with permission to hang out in my room on my gaming system, something I never would have allowed before. I make the few turns to Jeff's house, not far from mine in the exclusive north hills of Fallbrook. The music is off, Hannah is silent, and I'm actually okay. Even after the harsh brush off from my dad after graduation. I'm okay.

"I had no idea you lived so close to Jeff," Hannah says as we pull onto his street. "Small world, right?"

"Yeah, or small town. This place feels like its own universe sometimes."

Hannah laughs. "It's not that small. Two high schools mean it's pretty big. And you and I have both lived here our entire lives and just met. Not so small town if you ask me."

I squeeze her hand and lift it to my lips. God, I love the feel of her skin next to mine.

"I guess not, beautiful." I smile. Then I turn when she doesn't respond. There's something about her silence that speaks loud and clear. "What?"

"That sounded like a line, Matt." Hannah's lips are pressed together. "I'm not impressed."

"I don't understand."

Hannah sighs. "It's just the way you said, beautiful. As though you were trying to butter me up for something. Kind of slimy actually."

My turn to sigh. I release her hand to run my fingers through my hair. "I was just telling you I think you're beautiful, not trying to get anything from you Hannah."

By now, we've parked near Jeff's house. I can hear the music even with the windows up. There's several cars but this party is nothing like the ones Pete or the other guys throw. Tonight, is more for family. There won't be any back room shit with cheerleaders, thank fuck. I feel like an addict that's on the wagon and any temptation could mess me up. I want nothing to do with that shit anymore, but I also don't want to have any excuse to act like an ass.

Hannah leans over close to me, taking my hand back in hers. She waits until I look her in the eyes before saying anything. When she finally speaks, I find myself taking in a deep breath and holding on for the blow.