All There Is

8.Hannah

Oh L'amore // Erasure

Mark sits next to me on one side of the couch, Sawyer on the other. We've had Marvel movies playing all morning, the third one about to end. Mark hasn't said much. He seems focused on the movie, so I leave him alone.

"Sawyer, do you need a break?" She's started fidgeting with her amber necklace, something she does when she's overstimulated. She only joined us for this third movie, Wonder Woman, because it's her favorite.

Sawyer nods her head. I tell Mark I'm going to take my sister to the other room, and I'll be right back. Mark also nods, still not speaking. I'm worried about him.

"Hey, girls. How was the movie?" My mom is waiting in the kitchen for Sawyer, knowing she'd be ready for a snack. She rubs Sawyers back then hands her a plate of apple slices.

"Adventurous as always. I'm going to see what Mark wants to do next. I feel bad just watching movies all day. He could have done that at home."

"It's the company that makes a difference. Being alone is tough. The mind wanders too easily." Mom gives me a wry smile. "How is he doing today?"

"Quiet. I don't want to ask too many questions, but I wonder if I should try to get him to talk a little. It can't be good to stuff all of that inside, can it?"

Mom agrees. "See if he's willing to talk, but if not let him know you're here for him when or if he's ready. He might need to talk with Matt. The two of them are dealing with similar emotions."

"Maybe. I'll feel him out." I head back to Mark, not saying anything about my doubts regarding Matt. I don't think he's in the right headspace to be there for Mark right now. At least, not the way his brother will really need.

I find Mark still on the couch scrolling through the movie library.

"Is there something else you'd like to do? Play a game or something? We could go get some food if you're hungry."

Mark shrugs. "I don't know."

I sit down next to him and watch him continue to scroll through the list. I'm not sure I can get him to talk even if he should. Just to let it all out. But I have to try.

"How was yesterday?" I watch as Mark winces in response to my question. "That bad?"

"Pretty much. I mean, how crappy is it that the only family thing we've done in years is to plan my dad's funeral?" He doesn't make eye contact as he talks, still scrolling through the list. I think this is his third pass.

"I'm really sorry."

"Yeah."

"How's your mom doing?" I've texted with her a few times but that doesn't tell me much.

"Real confused. The other day we were talking with some guy who's going to run the funeral service, like speak about my dad or whatever. We don't even know the guy so I can't figure out what he'll say. Mom couldn't make any decisions. She just kept saying 'I don't know.'" Mark takes a deep breath, a look on his face that tells me there's more.

"What happened?"

"Matt kind of lost it on her. He said no one had any time for her to zone out and she needed to hurry up and choose. At least he waited until the guy left. He learned one thing from my dad, I guess." Mark shrugs again and it might be the saddest thing I've ever seen. Now I understand why Matt is retreating.

Mark finally settles on Spider Man and gets it started. I excuse myself for a second to text Kyra for back up.

Me: Hey, can you come over?