All There Is

9.Hannah

All Apologies // Nirvana

From all the way across the room I can see the tension on Matt's face. He's talking with some guy and nodding along with whatever the guy is saying. I have no idea what they're talking about but it's obvious that Matt isn't interested.

I've been watching him all morning. My family sat in the back, but I decided to sit in the second row, right behind his family. We were early enough that I was able to take that seat. I insisted we get there with enough time that I could talk to Matt, but I couldn't find him before the service.

When he walked in with his hand guiding his mom and Mark trailing behind, I started to cry. He's so broken. It was written all over his face. Shelly still looks vacant. In a daze. Mark kept his head down and hasn't really made eye contact with anyone. Even now, I scan the room for him but he's not in sight. I'll check on him soon. Someone needs to.

Matt is swirling a cup in his hand, still talking with the same guy. I wonder if he knew it was my hand on his shoulder earlier. I had to show him that I'm here for him. I wonder if he could feel the love I was trying to send his way. He never turned around, even after he pulled away from my touch. My heart soared when he first leaned into me. As if he was taking comfort from me again. But then he tore away, as though I'd burned him.

The feeling of rejection washes over me again at the memory, the exact moment Matt looks across the room. His eyes find mine. I hold my breath, hoping. Praying he'll look happy to see me. That he'll say with his eyes what I'm longing to hear from his lips. That he loves me. That he needs me. That he misses me.

That we'll be okay.

It's not what I see at all when our gazes lock. I see pain. I see regret. And then I see nothing because he looks away. I turn from my spot and walk to the hallway. I can't breathe in here. I don't stop when I'm in the shelter of the hall but continue until I find the doorway to the courtyard. There's a fountain and a garden. A few people are mingling out here, talking in a higher volume than the hushed tones of the indoor reception. Something about a funeral necessitates quiet voices at all times. Reverence. But out here I am able to take a deep breath, telling myself Matt needs to grieve in his own way, in his own time. I resolve to be there for him in whatever way he needs. And right now, he needs space. I can do that. I don't have to go psycho Hannah, obsessing over every signal he's sending. These aren't secret messages to me. It's just how he's grieving right now, and I need to remember that.

I find a bench near the fountain. It's peaceful in this courtyard which I feel anything but. A few other guests are out here but I avoid them. I look at the flowers and the butterflies fluttering nearby. I listen to the water splashing in the base of the fountain. But the tension remains.

"What's up?" Pete sits down next to me, arm spreading across the back of the bench. He's sipping from an energy drink like this is a casual picnic and not a memorial reception for Matt's dead father.

"Just taking a break. Where'd you get that?" I nod toward his drink. "All I saw was punch and tea."

Pete shrugs. "Brought my own supply. I needed the fuel. Late night last night."

My heartrate spikes. I wonder if Matt hung out with Pete and partied. I hate asking because it feels like spying on him, but I don't know what's going on so what choice do I have?

"Who was out with you?" I bite the inside of my cheek after asking.

Pete side-eyes me. "Why? You checking up on me? Did Kyra ask what I was up to?"

Whoa. That escalated quickly. "Nope. Not even a little bit. But now that you mention her, what the hell is going on between you two? She's mooning and you know it."