All There Is

10.Matt

Blue Monday // New Order

I don't know what I'm doing.

Micah and Gio dragged me to campus for a party. Fuck this. I shouldn't be here. I've stayed away from campus to stay away from Hannah, moving my shit out of the dorm I shared with Jeff. Torturing myself by living at home. Mom's distant. Mark is gone most of the time at his friend's house. I'm left to my own thoughts. Fucked up, angry thoughts.

Here I am, taking my angry thoughts on a field trip. We walk up the steps to the Frat house, some jock frat I didn't bother rushing because at the time the entire Greek system had no appeal. It still doesn't but for so many other reasons. The house is already a wreck just by judging the front porch. There's a couch cushion ripped apart and tossed across the wood. Plastic cups are everywhere, and the two benches are occupied with couples in various states of making out. I avert my eyes.

"Some shots and some ass will cure you, dude." Gio throws the front door open and makes an exaggerated entrance.

I scoff. Gio is all about getting laid. Micah is more relaxed about hooking up, but I've watched him prowl. He'd go for it if the opportunity was made available to him. I, on the other hand, might be sick just thinking about touching another girl. That's not what I need.

"Not what the doctor ordered, Gio." I shouldn't be here. Part of me came on the off chance that I might catch a glimpse of Hannah, to see how she's doing. That would be a terrible idea, though. I'm not that strong. I'd do something I'd regret. Or that she'd regret. I don't want to hurt her any more than I have. That's the entire point of pulling away.

"Don't mind Gio. He's got a one-track mind." Micah shoves his buddy. "And the reputation to go with it."

"Hey," Gio straightens his jacket, "my rep is gold. It gets the job done, if you know what I mean."

"If by job, you mean...job, then yeah. We know what you mean. The towel on the door handle may be a signal to stay out while you get down, but it isn't sound-proof, bro. The entire floor knows about your activities." Micah rolls his eyes. I tune them out and glance around the party.

It's packed. People are shoulder to shoulder moving through the Frat house, spilling beer as they go. This scene is familiar. Too familiar. It's like being transported to the past and that's not a place I want to go. I swallow my irritation and follow my friends through the crowd and into the kitchen. Also packed. Half empty bottles litter the countertops, bottom barrel vodka and sodas. Someone left a half-eaten pizza still in the box under the sink faucet. The water is running, and the pizza is now goo. Parties at the Lot weren't this ridiculous.

I'm knocked left and right as party-goers push past me, laughing and talking as though it's the best party of the year. I do not share their sentiments. How long have I been here? Ten minutes? A half hour? Long enough to have a raging headache, that's for sure.

"I'm calling it." I pat Gio on the shoulder with one hand and pull my keys out of my pocket with the other. "I'll catch you at practice on Monday."

Micah salutes me and pushes through the crowd toward the backdoor, most likely hunting for the keg. Gio shakes his head, giving me the pity eyes. I fucking hate that look. He leans in closer to say something.

"I heard she's just as messed up, if that helps." He has to yell the words over the music.

"No. It doesn't fucking help. Don't talk about her." I want to knock him out for even bringing her up. What is wrong with him? I don't want to think about her. I don't want to know. If I know, I'll lose my shit. Just hearing that she's not doing well makes me feel...crazy. My brain betrays me, picturing her in her dorm, on her bed. Under me. I have to get out of here. I turn to leave when Gio throws one last thought my way.