All There Is

10.Hannah

Don't Dream It's Over // Crowded House

The food on my plate is staring back at me but I can't make myself eat it. The scent of cinnamon from freshly baked rolls isn't tempting me. I'm tuned out to everything that must be happening around me. The clatter of silverware on plates as students scarf their breakfast. The conversations that carry across the large space, bouncing off the hard surfaces. The movement of the crowded room as groups file in and out. I'm zoned only into my sadness. My loss.

"You have to start eating, Hannah. Hunger strikes only work for the disenfranchised laborers. Not heartsick ex-girlfriends."

"We didn't break up." Even as I say the words, I feel the lie. It was a breakup without the breakup because I walked away before letting Matt say any more.

Morgan pats my hand. She's been so understanding this past week as I've been a zombie. Bringing me treats and trying to distract me with movies or outings around campus. I don't want to go because I'm afraid of running into Matt. I've been holed up in my dorm room except for class, study sessions and team practice, which is too sporadic at this point in the year to help distract me at all.

"Tell you what, let's take the cinnamon roll for later and go run the track. Work outs equal serotonin which also equals a boost in good feelings." Morgan leans a little closer. "You will get through this."

I nod. I don't really want to run track. I don't feel like I can expend that kind of energy. But she's right. I can't wallow forever. After my ice cream binge out fest which resulted in the worst stomachache tinged with heart ache, I haven't been in the mood for anything. Sleep has been the only craving. Food is literally making me sick.

Morgan takes care of our trays while I grab our stuff. We bounce out of the cafeteria and head to the dorm to change into running gear. All of this is done with my eyes cast down. I can't handle a sighting. Not yet.

He hasn't reached out at all. I haven't either. Not even to check up on his mom or brother, which makes me feel like a jerk. Their struggles are so much deeper than mine, but I can't bring myself to call. I don't want to hear about Matt. I can't.

We make it to the track ten minutes later clad in running shorts and dri-fit shirts when it hits me how bad an idea this is. I notice some players from the football team working out on the field. Immediately, I glue my eyes to the track and work like hell to keep them there. The urge to scan through the guys for Matt is so strong it almost takes my breath away. But I won't do it. I won't let myself.

Morgan and I round the track for lap one when I hear someone call my name. I hold my breath and push a little harder, a weak attempt at escape. It doesn't take long before I sense another person's approach.

"Hannah!"

And then I recognize the voice as Jeff's causing me to slow my pace and allowing him to catch up to me.

"Hey," he says, breathing evenly as though he hadn't just booked it to catch me. I, on the other hand, am winded from my sprint.

"Hey."

"I haven't heard from you in a while. How are you doing?" Jeff's voice is full of concern. It almost brings the tears back to the surface. I've worked hard to eliminate them from my daily routine. Jeff's concern isn't helping that endeavor at all.

"Existing." My reply is as honest as I can be. Any more would reopen my wounds. I say nothing about the empty void in every area of my life over the past week. The zombie status. The lack of focus and the dreams. The horribly happy dreams of Matt and I together that wake me up, forgetting for a split second in the fog of semi-consciousness that we aren't in fact together only to wake fully into the knowledge that the good times are now long gone.