Atlantis // DNF

Sunshine and daisies

I had pretty much nothing on me, i had my phone, i had money and i had some clothes. I didn't have common sense, i didn't have energy and i didn't have a plan. Overall, i had no idea what i was doing.

Something about the way that Sapnap made me feel like it was going to be ok gave me too much confidence. I was doing something i never do. I'm trusting myself. I'm following my gut. I'm doing what feels right.

"Mom?"

"George?"

"Hi, how are you?"

"Oh my god how are you doing? It's been a little while since you've called!"

"I know, i'm sorry. You can call me too, you know."

"Oh i don't want to bother you, you are sleeping during the days and streaming at night. I don't want to wake you up but i also don't want to interrupt you."

"You watch my streams?"

"Whenever I can! You are doing amazing, i'm so proud of you!"

I felt myself breaking down. I couldn't stop the tears and they just kept coming, whatever i was trying to do, it wasn't working.

"George? Are you ok?"

I don't want to worry her, i don't want to sound so desperate when in reality it's not that bad, it has been worse.

"Can i come over?"

"Honey you are always welcome here! Whenever you want to, whenever you feel like it, you can always come home!"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

It had been way too long since i had driven a car. It felt like a whole new world. I just want to go home, why is nothing working?

It had taken me way longer than it was supposed to, but soon enough i was knocking on the door. I am home.

The tears were still there, the worry and the hurt was still there but i could feel it tucking away, making a temporary home in the far corner of my mind, making place for all the memories and all the love that was pooling inside of me as my mom held me like a kid, swaying back and forth on the same old couch. It smells like rain and peppermint tea, it smells like childhood and love i had forgotten about. The kind that doesn't hurt, the kind that doesn't feel fragile. The kind that heals.

She was humming a song, it had stopped snowing and raindrops were making a whole new sound outside. Comfort sound.

She hadn't said anything yet, she knew all too well. She knew what i need and it wasn't talking. It wasn't food and it wasn't a distraction. It was something that healed all the wounds i had ripped while being apart from her and all the hurt i had caused. It felt like home. I had found another place i could always go.

"Mum?"

"Yes, baby?"

"I love you."

"I love you too. More than anything."

And so i cried. I cried like i have never cried before, i cried like i haven't been crying for the past two years. I cried like it was my first time hitting the ground, like it was the first time my childish feet had slipped and my parents weren't quick enough to catch me. I cried like it was the first time i was learning about worlds other side and the parts i wasn't allowed to cross.

That night i slept better than i have in past year and a half. I was finally sleeping at night and i opened my eyes to daylight, it wasn't snowing but the outside was cold enough to cause ice flowers to bloom on the windows corners. It smelled like coffee and home. I heard my mom talking in the kitchen and as i made my way over, i noticed her swaying along to song on radio and singing along to the soft notes.

"Good morning."

"Good morning, Georgie!"

She gave me quick hug and seconds later she was seating me at the table, making sure i had plenty of food and love.

The day went by way too fast. I was looking through the picture albums while my mom was at work and i was looking through my old bedroom. I took down a few pictures that i wanted to hang in my own place and i packed some things, hidden in the back of my closet.

It was late at night. We were sitting in the kitchen, my mom was talking about some old memories and we were drinking tea. I was curled up by her side and she was playing with my hair. I was a kid again and i had cried so much these last years but i couldn't hold back the tears.

A few that dropped didn't even come close to the waterfall that crashed down my face when the radio started playing way too familiar notes, the same ones i have been listening to on repeat while sitting in my old bedroom, looking through the boxes of memories. They didn't even come close to the sea that dripped down my face as the words left the old radio, at the same time as my moms phone lighted up, the notification

Dream went live

popped up on her screen.

"So, tell me, how is he?" she seemed to ignore the fact that i was currently having a breakdown in her kitchen.

"He? He's doing good."

"No, i don't mean how he is doing. I mean how is he? Is he nice? Is he good for you? Is he as good as it seems? Does he make you as happy as it sounds? Is he like that?"

"what do you mean?"

"you know very well what i mean, George."

it's silent and i have no idea how she can know, but she knows. And she's not mad, she's not disappointed. It's good, she knows and it's good.

"he's... he's not perfect. He sometimes says things that are funny, but they just hurt so much. But i don't want perfect. He's everything i've never dreamed of and i think it is perfect. I have never looked for something like him. I have never looked for anything. But he's just... there. And he doesn't have to do anything, he just is. And i want him. No i don't want him, i want him to want me. I want to be his. I don't care if i get it back. I just want to be his."

"Are you in love?"

"no."

"Don't you get butterflies?"

"It feels like a sin to call something so big a butterfly. They are not butterflies, it's a whole earthquake, mom, it's a tsunami and it brings hurt but it just happens."

"Then how can you say it's not love?"

"Because it's not love. I'm not in love. Love is a stupid word. I love you, i love Sapnap, i love my sister and i love my cats. I love my job and i love rainy weather. What i have for him... i cant put that next to it. I cant put him in the same box as my love for pancakes. It feels like a crime. What i have for him is just something so, so much, so unholy and so overwhelming, i can't explain it. For whatever it is, it is not love. I cant bring myself to call it that."

"That's because you love him, baby. Love isn't something you can explain. Love isn't something you can define. Love isn't something you can drown. You love him, it's just not the same as your love for pancakes. You still love him. I know it feels wrong to say it, because love is an overused word, it has lost its meaning. But that's why your love is special. When you will say it, you will know."