Atlantis // DNF

MDMA overdose

What do you think about when you realise you are in love. Does it come as a surprise? Or do you slowly grow into it and feel every bit and piece of it, enjoying it like an ice cold lemonade in summer heat? Does it make you scared or maybe you feel stronger than ever, like you could take over the world with them by your side. What journeys are you ready to go on for them, what history are you ready to rewrite?

Everyone talks about love but it is still not enough talked about. Do you even know what you are searching for? Do you even know why you are searching for it in the first place?

So what is love to you? What do you think makes people say 'This is it, this is what i've been searching for all along. They are the one.'?  Do you ever wonder of the possibility of already knowing what love is, but not realising it because you are expecting more? What if there is no such a thing as love? Or what if love is so much and in so many different shapes and forms that you can touch it, taste it and write it?

What is it that people make all their lives about, why do they think that love is their highest point in life, if pretty much everyone has felt it?

So many people talk about their wedding as their big day, but did you know that 115,000 people have wedding on the same day, every day? Why is that the biggest thing that they can reach, when so many have already reached it?

Love is like a mystery puzzle that people spend their lives trying to solve, maybe missing the point that they are sitting next to a maze. Why is love so important to so many people if it's so easy to find, god damn it, people find it in grocery stores, in parks and coffee shops. People can buy it, put it on their tongue and feel the thrill of it. It's nothing special.

They call MDMA the love drug. You can find it in dark alleyways or school bathrooms and take it in your bedroom. Is that what you are looking for?

And that was how George used to live. Those were the thoughts playing in his mind as he watched his friends hold hands and kiss in parties. Is this what he is looking for?

Then he didn't want that.

But that was how George used to live. That's what he used to think. Until he felt the thrill of it. Until he fell for the first time and realised that going through a maze was worthless if the end prize wasn't him.

He wasn't ready to let go and he knew he never could. So yes he agreed when he asked himself if it is worth it, if this is what he is searching for. But he couldn't do anything about it, because he could only dream about standing next to the man. He could only dream about holding his hand and kissing him in parties. Dream.

It didn't matter how much he wanted it, it didn't matter if the ecstasy was too much and felt like an overdose, he had to keep it in and laugh after every harmless flirting joke, that did more harm than overdose itself.

So that's what he did. He held himself together and taught himself how to deal with it. How to lie about things you shouldn't lie about.

Because love to George wasn't a book, it wasn't a story you could read and know what to expect. Love to George was inescapable mistake and he couldn't do anything about it, he watched himself fall and he hated how it truly does feel like flying. It feels so god damn good, but it hurts so much. And that's how he knew it was love - he was ready to hurt. He was ready to hit the bottom and be left laying alone, he didn't mind, because he didn't expect Dream to be at the bottom catching him, he wanted to be at the bottom first to soften his fall just in case if he fell too.

But he couldn't lie, it was still hurting him. As much as he liked it, there were times when he knew he wasn't ready to fall yet. He wanted to fly so badly, but he knew that he would need wings for that and he was far too gone to even imagine having something so pure.

He wasn't ready to be selfish. He wanted to be at the bottom, just in case. Just in case if he has someone to catch. And he could only hope it is worth it.