Atlantis // DNF

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That night I don't even think about sleeping. That night i'm in my bedroom, removing all the blue pins that i have lost.

That night I make my way to the library and after receiving a mad, disappointed look from David i make my way to the corner and i feel my heart breaking with the sight of missing blue book and the strong smell of air refreshener that smells like raspberries.

I find the book back in it's original spot and after a really awkward conversation with David i make my way home.

It's the end of the book and i have a few chapters left and it hurts to read them alone but there is nothing i can do about it and it makes my throat hurt and my sobs to escape again.

My sister is staying at my moms place for the night, she's gonna stay here until she has to go home but tonight i'm home alone but i still read the chapters out loud. I hate the way that my voice sounds but it feels like a sin not to.

"The night before Atlantis sank beneath the waves forever, the members of MysterySchool set sail from their doomed continent in twelve boats, headed to twelve different points on the globe."

And my voice is harsher than before because i'm still not used to talking. But i force myself to keep reading until the end chapter rolls around and i'm met with a 'forever under the waves. Atlantis.'

And i cry, i don't stop and i know it's a library book but i take a blue marker and draw a

- x

at the bottom of the page. I find my phone under the covers and take a single picture. It's a little blurry but it makes it all that much more special.

I haven't talked to Dream since my phone died and even then we hadn't talked in a while. I'm not sure if Sapnap has said anything but i send the snap anyway.

My body feels like a shell and i have nothing left inside. I hate the way people see me now. I hate the way they all seem worried looking at me and i already know i look awful, i already know that i'm loosing weight faster than ever and i haven't slept in way too long. I already know.

And i'm thankful that Sapnap doesn't ask to facetime and that Tommy fucks off after the fifth 'no'. I'm thankful for the way that Sapnap hasn't said anything to them because none of them know and even though i wish they would be more gentle, i can't tell them yet.

In five minutes my phone is ringing and my lungs feel even more empty.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"You finished the book."

"I did."

"So how was it?"

It's quiet because to be honest ending matters a lot and i hated it. Not because it was bad but because of the timing. Because of the being alone and so, so empty.

"It was... something."

He chuckles a little and it's not the wheeze and i'm thankful for it.

"What didn't you like?"

"The amount that everything has changed since i opened the book and closed it."

"Has that much changed?"

And i don't know if i should laugh or cry because he obviously doesn't know and i'm not sure if i can explain it.

"More than you know."

"Really?"

And i don't hold the cry-laugh back this time and it sounds something like a scuff.

"My god i can't even explain it. I- I was reading it and i was gaining so much, Dream i had so much and i still felt like something was missing. I was still looking for something. And now, i'm closing the covers and i have nothing. Not a single thing on me. I'm empty more than ever and this time i can't wake up from it like a nightmare because i really have lost everything."

"George? Are you ok? Did they hurt you?"

"Who?"

"The person."

"David? No. I hurt myself. I did it all by myself and Dream i hate the way i feel sorry for me. I'm selfish Dream, i want to go home."

"Where are you?"

"This is not home. This is Brighton, it's my apartment and it's the library. It's not home anymore."

I take a look at the map and i have only few blue pins left.

There's one on the pet shelter, one on the cafe, one on my sister's apartment in Germany for when she goes back, one in Texas and one in Florida. There's one on the hospital and one on the beach.

"A-are you ok George? Can i do something for you?"

"Can you just talk please?"

"My voice brings you trouble."

"It's the only one i have left."

"What do you mean?"

"Dream, i don't- i don't-"

"George?"

"My mom. She- yea. Sapnap's hurting too. He loved her too."

It's quiet, i wish he would just talk.

"Fuck."

and i can't help but cry again because it's Dream and he knew her too, he wanted to meet her and she would have loved him. She already did.

"George?"

He knows i can't reply and i'm thankful when he doesn't wait for an answer.

"George, if you need anything, and i mean anything in the world, you call me and i get it for you, you got it? You don't have to talk, you just call. And i'm there. Ok?"

I bet it's my quick breathing and choking that makes him keep going.

"Can you get up? George? Can you make a bath for me?"

"No."

i hate the way that world is disappearing and i can't breathe, my lungs are giving out and i swear i'm dying.

"Listen to me ok? George? Can you touch something for me?"

I don't really understand how to use my hands anymore and i find them clenching on the book in my left hand and phone in my right one.

"I am."

I hear him shuffling around and then i hear it. He's quiet but i bet i wouldn't hear him even if he was talking, because the speaker is right next to running water and the audio isn't nearly as good as real life but it's enough because it's water from Dreams side of world.

It's enough because it's Dream who knows and i know that if i would need him, he's right there.

Maybe he's hands are shaking and i can hear him crying as quietly as possible but it's alright because he's trying and just him being there is so much enough.