Atlantis // DNF

Sugar and strong wind

I stare at the paper on my desk, the link still printed on it in a messy hand writing. My eyes travel from the paper to the England map on the wall, now a new blue pin marking Penwith.

I look at my bedroom, i remember the way it looked that morning. So much has changed. I probably have changed the most.

"Do you want to come to Forida?"

"What?"

"You don't have to if you don't want to. I just... i don't know. I guess i want to meet you. Face to face."

I was definitely taken back by that. Part of me is already out the door, bags packed and on my way to the airport. The other part of me takes the time to think twice. It's good that i do.

"I don't know, Dream. I don't know if i can."

"Why not George? What is holding you back? Is it me? Did i do something? Is it my voice? I can like not talk or something if it would make it better."

"No. It's me and you know it."

"But why are you punishing me? I cant control what you think, George. As much as i wish i could, i can't. But you do stuff that hurts you and i'm still the one hurting more."

"How could you say that?"

I know he doesn't mean it like that, but fucking hell have i been hurting and when he puts it down like it's nothing, i just can't hold back the anger.

"But George it's true! I've been trying my best to do what's good for you and it's still not good enough! I'm trying George! I just want to meet you! Why can't you come?"

"Because it's not easy! It's not just a trip to go meet my best friend! Do you even understand how much has changed? I cant just buy a plane ticket as if it's nothing. It's not nothing, Dream. I cant go see you and then come back and keep living as if it doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters but that's the point of it. We wouldn't meet if it wouldn't matter."

"Yeah it might matter to you but it matters differently to me. It's not the same thing, Dream. I'll go over, live in your house, meet your family, hug your mom and cuddle with patches. I'll make homemade ice cream with you and your sister while singing one direction and i'll go to beach on hot summer days. I'll go on road trips with you and meet Sapnap. And then i'll come home to absolutely nothing Dream. And it's easy for you, because it'll stay the same. It's your place and you don't know how different it is from mine. And i'll just have to come home to empty rooms, my moms grave and phone calls to my sister. I'll come home to unsettling library corners and bitter peppermint tea. And that's the part that you won't see. That's the part that you won't have to deal with."

"You think you won't change a single thing about my life? You'll just come and go and nothing will change? Is that what you think?"

"Dream, i would rather stay hungry than take a small bite of a meal and never get it again. I would rather miss someone i have never met than have them for a second and then have to move on knowing what i could have."

"I have been living like that for so long. It's bearable."

"What do you mean?"

"I have some part of you, George, and i'm lucky to have that. You're my best friend and that is so much, it means the world to me. But i know that i will never have you the way that i could."

"The way you could?"

"You said it yourself. You can't have something that's not for you. I wish i could, but i can't."

"Do.. What? Dream i'm not sure if i understand what you mean."

"How can you not, George? I've said it countless times, my voice says it before i can every single time i speak to you. It's so obvious and you still stay clueless. I maybe have not said the words but i might as well have by the things i say. By the way i say them."

And i feel my breath stopping. I feel the world falling and maybe all this time i have not been the only one falling.

"You are so god damn blue, George."

"what?"

"You're Cleito."

my mom said i would know. She said that when i'll say the words ill know. That's why i have never said them. That's why i keep them between my lips and behind my teeth, down my throat and deep down in my heart, at the bottom left corner.

And i don't know how to pull them up again. I don't know how to, because i have kept them there for so long. I can almost feel Sapnap and my mom telling me to say them, to let them out. To just let myself.

But i don't.

I stare at my wall. New blue pins here and there. Some gone. Some missing. Some lonely.

Maybe i should have said the words. Maybe i should have said something, maybe then Dream wouldn't have pressed off the call and blocked my number. Maybes then i would have hugged his mom and met his sister. Maybe.

"George?"

"Mh?"

David comes in the room and hugs me from behind. He rests his chin on my head and i smile.

"I love you."

I smile and i say the three words back but they don't mean anything. They do matter, just not as much as they should. I still say them though.

I don't really care if i mean them anymore. Maybe my mom would be disappointed if she would know, maybe Sapnap already is, but what can i really do.

It's not a book i can read, i don't know the ending and what could have happened. I'll never know and it's somewhat comforting.

Strangely comforting.

My heart might ache forever and i might sink down to Atlantis and never find it, but i guess i can always swim back up and settle on Davids boat. I might like the water more but the boat is a lot less dangerous.

We've built it up to pull it down, right?