The Fourth of July and the Surrounding Events

CHAPTER 10 Morgan

Running out the door, I felt the burning, screaming feeling of tears threatening to spill out. I really had hoped she was still who I remembered. The kindhearted, caring girl I used to know. Maybe I had even hoped she might be a genuinely honest chance for whatever I thought "love" was. But hearing her words and seeing her with Katelyn, reminded me of how foolish I was and always have been. Instantly numbing the obvious pain of being friend-zoned, I let myself feel angry instead. I know I don't have any claim over her whatsoever, but knowing that she was with someone else, immediately made me feel territorial over her. I thought coming back to Rockland might give me a hypothetical fresh start, but Alexa just reminded me that I have never and will never get what I want.

I got to my car in what felt like record timing, head clouded and vision blurred the entire walk down. I had parked at the very bottom of her stupidly long driveway as my mom always had. I could hear Alexa yelling my name as she ran after me, but it was of no use. Yeah, I could stop and hear her out, but nothing that I'm feeling would even make sense to her. She doesn't remember me, so why would she understand why I'm so attached to her?

"Mom, I'm home," I yelled into the ghost of a house. The air hauntingly cold. Walking to the living room I found my mom covered in a wool blanket in my grandpa's chair. I could see streaks of mascara on her cheeks from where she definitely cried herself to sleep. Flipping the antique lamp off, the room was flooded with darkness, only lit up by moonlight. Contemplating if I should wake her or not, I slowly walked up the wooden stairs to my childhood bedroom. The room with its purple walls and glittery unicorn decorations screamed, "look what you lost," in my face. When presented with this room for the first time, seven-year-old Morgan was ecstatic. I remember jumping around on the canopy bed with its pristine white curtains, saying thank you over and over to my smiling grandparents as they watched from the door.

With my mom and dad always working, I lived with my grandparents part-time. From kindergarten to 6th grade, I stayed in Rockland, Maine with them, and on the weekends I would go back to Wiscasset, Maine to my parents. It wasn't ideal for me to keep being moved around, but with both of my parents working as engineers, it was the best plan. I loved my grandparents, Rockland, my friends, everything. But all good things, unfortunately, must come to an end. My happiness took a turn for the worst when I was eleven. My grandparents had taken me out to the caves for a boating trip and a picnic, but what started out as fun ended in disaster. My grandma took me out on the boat to go have some "girl time," and the next moment I was in a hospital with no recollection of the past two days and my parents crying next to me. The next few months passed in a flash. The funeral, sympathy cards, casseroles, and many, many doctor appointments. The doctors told my parents I had trauma-induced amnesia and only time could help me. They weren't completely wrong either. Over time I would get flashes of the accident, but six years later I still don't remember exactly what happened. It was honestly quite ironic how I forgot the boating trip, and everyone else in this small town forgot me. It was as if with my memories gone, everyone else's disappeared as well. I thought maybe with all the strangers that had filled my grandpa's now empty house after the funeral, someone might recognize or even remember me, but sadly nothing. None of the kids who I saw at parties or town functions even batted an eye at me. I lost my grandma in the accident but I also lost a part of my sanity. Not knowing what happened and being surrounded by people asking you what happened, really does a number on the fragile mind that is my own. My conscious constantly felt like it was on the tipping point for years, like it could shatter with a mere flick.

Taking my still damp clothes off, I stepped into the shower letting the steaming water pour over my body. Rinsing the chlorine from Alexa's pool out of my hair I finally let the tears out. Sobs wracking my body I let myself feel the pain from the past six years. My grandma's passing, my parents yelling about doctor visits, my grandpa's passing, the last two boyfriends who I thought were going to be different, and trusting Alexa blindly only to get played again. Maybe it was the chlorine that made my eyes burn or maybe it was the unforgiving strain as they poured out years' worth of pent up emotions.

The words, "she's just a friend," rang over and over in my ears as I tried to scrub away the feelings of betrayal, anger, and melancholic sadness. The moment I saw her on the Fourth of July, the memories of her surged back to life but they also came back with unsolicited attraction. As a child I loved being her best friend, but our small conversation on the 4th threw me into the deep end. The years where she was the only one I thought of, festered into infatuation. However toxic that might be. Having her hold me as close as she had in the pool, her arms wrapped around my waist, and her auburn hair floating in the water, made me think I had a chance. I genuinely thought after the caves I had possibly just misread the situation and she wasn't gay, but knowing that she was, and still getting friend-zoned, hurt. To overhear, not even to be told, that those moments meant nothing, was heartwrenching.

To anyone else, it might seem like I got attached too fast, but to me, to me, it was anything but fast. The nights where I would ask my mom to take me to see her, just to get denied every time, were countless. I understand now why my mom said no, the memories of her own mother being gone were definitely too painful. But that did not stop me back then from thinking about her. We had gone to different schools, she had gone to Rockland Elementary and I had gone to St. Stephen's Episcopal, but we still saw each other every weekend. Back then, she was my best friend and I was enamored by the way she carried herself, even at such a young age. I clearly remember her bright smile full of missing teeth as she laughed holding onto my stuffed unicorn. The tiny fairy huts we'd build together in her backyard, my grandma's pearl necklaces we'd try on, her family cat that we'd torment. Those memories held me together throughout all the years where I sat alone in my head. Seeing her at Mateo's party was shocking, but knowing she didn't remember anything was even more painful than the years apart. I knew every little mannerism she had. I knew she would make her dad a Valentine's Day card every year even after he left, I knew she only slept on her left side, and that she snored. She used to know things about me too, but those memories are gone now. All seven years of them. One might think that after nearly a decade of being best friends, you would have even the smallest recollection of who the other is, but no. Alexa didn't know me, and well, I suppose I don't know her either. I get that I have to realize she isn't the same girl she used to be, but she can't just not be anything like her old self anymore. Can she?

Getting out of the shower, I dressed quickly getting ready to crawl into bed and drift into a restless state of unconsciousness. Plugging my phone into charge, I saw 3 missed calls and 8 new texts. All from Alexa.

Alexa: im really sorry morgan
i didnt mean it like that
please call me back
There's nothing I want more than to call you Alexa..
just let me explain
But I know what I heard
ik ur mad but it wasnt what it looked like
just text me to let me know you got home safe
please?
ill leave you alone forever if thats what you want just let me know ur safe
As hurt as I am over her, I can't just leave her to worry over me.

Morgan: i'm safe.