The Fourth of July and the Surrounding Events

CHAPTER 20

Watching my hopes and dreams from the past 6 days get washed down the drain was surprisingly harder than I thought it would be. Storming away from the restaurant table was easy enough, but as soon as I stepped out into the street, I broke down. Tears streaming down my face in rivers, I sobbed loudly into the night air. She knew. She knew and she kept it away from me. She loves me. 

Fuck, she loves me. I just ruined everything. For once, Alexandria, why couldn't you have gotten your anger under control and forgiven her? You fucked up your own life again.

Running across the street to a park bench, I sat with my knees up, my head barely peeking over. My jeans muffling my tears, I stayed like that until my tears dried up. 

I yelled at her. I made her cry. I shouted at her relentlessly. 

Swiping at my nose, I looked up at the stars. They're all together. None of them are lonely. The way they twinkled reminded me of Morgan's eyes when she laughed. Specifically at the caves, when the light danced in her eyes as I leaned in to kiss her.

Fuck it, screw my tough girl act. I'm gonna go apologize to her.

Standing up, I walked down to the crosswalk, I may be torturing myself right now, but I certainly don't want to die. Crossing the street, I silently prayed that Morgan hadn't left. She didn't have a car and she told me that her mom bailed on her so that just leaves public transportation, and the bus doesn't even come for another hour. Pushing through the restaurant doors, I scanned the main dining room, looking for her dirty blonde hair, to no avail. 

She must have slipped through the doors when I was crying my eyes out on that stupid park bench. I fucked up again. 

Trying to accept the fact that she already left, I stood there stoically until a waiter came by to kick me out. Walking back out, I held my head low, fingers twisting the gold ring my father gave me. I parked a little farther away than I normally would, since I came at peak dining time, and I don't want to get kidnapped. Knowing my shitty luck, I probably would. 

Then, as if the gods were finally on my side, I heard Morgan's angelic voice from down the street.

It's not too late. I can fix this. Thank the lord. 

Except it was too late. Straining my eyes to see in the waning sunlight, I caught sight of my childhood best friend who I had just yelled at. She was giggling as she held on to a taller girl's arm. Letting go of Morgan, the girl opened the passenger side door, closing it gently behind her. 

My breathing growing unsteady, I felt my vision start to blur as my mind closed in on itself. After my parents' messy divorce, my mom forced me to see an in-house child therapist. Her name was Jennifer, and she would come over to my house twice a week to work on "my feelings." 

At age eleven, Jen diagnosed me with anxiety, and we frequently went over the feelings of depression up until I was sixteen. After she told my mom she thought I had anxiety, my ever-doting mother rushed me to a psychiatrist where I was officially diagnosed. The psychiatry sessions didn't help much besides having clarification and occasionally medication. What did help, however, was Jen. She taught me breathing techniques, grounding methods, and how to ask for help when I couldn't physically talk. 

So when my vision turned sideways and grayed, I lowered myself to the ground and grabbed a fistful of dirt, sifting it between my fingers, trying to stimulate my senses. Eventually, I came to my right mind, eyes burning from the lack of tears, throat raw from the guttural sobs that wouldn't come out. Not even an hour later, and she already found someone. The girl I just remembered, I'd already lost. 

Pathetic, Alexandria, you couldn't even hold on to one girl if your life depended on it. 

Walking to my car, I leaned against the hood, debating between driving home, or calling someone. Going with my good judgment for once, I grabbed my phone, dialing the one person I knew would pick up at this hour. A short conversation later, my ride was on the way. 

"Hey," I said tiredly, "thanks for coming to get me."

"Don't worry about it, you knew I was awake either way," my ex-girlfriend mused quietly. 

Katelyn struggled with insomnia and though it was difficult for her to manage, she made it work. Her productivity peaked at night and the few times I've ever seen her fully asleep was after drinking or extreme physical exertion, so she worked her ass off at night. 

"What was tonight's project anyway?" I asked, trying to deflect from the fact that Kate still didn't know why I was unable to drive at nearly eleven at night. 

Catching the hint from my bloodshot eyes that I didn't want to talk about it, she nodded her head, telling me about the computer software she was troubleshooting for her grandmother. 

A cautious 15-minute car ride later, she stopped in front of my house, parking the car. "Do you need help with anything?" my ever-caring ex asked me. 

"I think I'm good, thank you, Kate, I'll have Jayde or Mateo help me with the car tomorrow," I thanked her. "You're a lifesaver." 

Reaching over the middle console of the car, she pulled me into a warm hug. "Don't be afraid to call or text me, okay? I've got your back."

Though I believed her, I knew it was a lot harder than she made it seem. Yeah, I can talk to Mateo, and talking to Jayde is easier than pie, but other than my two close best friends, I had no one else. For a while, I thought maybe Morgan and I could be like that. Words flowing easily like syrup, hearts touching freely, but after tonight, I'm not sure if that will ever be possible. I've hurt her so much since she's been back in Rockland, and she doesn't deserve that. 

A/N: I hope everyone's having a good week! Don't forget to click the star ^^