The Fourth of July and the Surrounding Events

CHAPTER 11

As soon as my phone chimed with a notification, I grabbed it instantly.

Morgan: im safe

Oh god, finally.

When Morgan had raced out the door after Katelyn and I's very suggestive looking and sounding conversation, I was worried she might get into a car accident. Luckily, her usual safe and cautious demeanor must've helped her somehow. I'm just glad I didn't cause any physical damage.

Taking a deep breath, I breathed in the chlorine scent that covered me. After Katelyn and Morgan left, everyone else soon followed, leaving me just as lonely as I was before. This party was a huge mistake. I was honestly way better off before the whole shebang happened, but now I'm stuck to live with the consequences of my actions. Which is only fair. I don't know how it had to take me seeing the pain in Morgan's eyes to realize she meant something to me. But once again, I fucked up big time.

Heading upstairs to shower, I grabbed a pair of shorts and a tank top. Normally clothes like these weren't Tyler friendly, but he's not here so I can wear what I want, when I want.

Stepping into the shower, the boiling hot water welcomed me with a sizzling sensation satisfying my attempts to punish myself for my idiocy. I managed to lose everyone but Jayde, the one girl I thought I knew for sure that I liked. Of course, I still like her, I think, but seeing her with Mateo made me realize, yet again, that she's happy with him. Scrubbing my skin with my short fingernails I tried to erase the memories of the past hour. How could you let this happen? You can never do anything right. Look what you've accomplished. And just like that, the intrusive negative thoughts were back. I've struggled with my own mind ever since my dad left, but things really only got bad when Tyler got here. Did I want to believe what my thoughts were telling me? No. But did I? Yes.

Switching the water off, I grabbed a clean towel and wrapped myself tightly in it. As tight as I wished someone would hold me. I never really had a good stable parental figure, so tight hugs didn't exist. Instead, I taught myself. I taught myself to hold on for as long as I possibly could, because you'll never know when the last time you'll hear from them or see them again. This is what I suppose I did with Morgan at the pool. I held tightly for fear that I might not get another chance, and after how tonight went, I might not.

With the entire frigid mansion void of people, I found myself wandering the empty rooms near midnight. Running my hand down the wrought iron banister I let my mind wander. You're a horrible person Alexandria. You ruined your friendship with Morgan because you're a coward. You have no right to be hurt over this. Maybe your dad was right to leave. You end up ruining everything you touch. Sifting through my intensely self-deprecating thoughts I landed on the memory of Morgan and I at the caves. The water had reflected off the cave walls splashing her face with the golden July sunlight. She looked gorgeous. She is gorgeous. I don't know why I don't just let myself like her. Was it because of Jayde? Because I haven't thought about her since I met Morgan. Or maybe Katelyn? But it can't be because of her because I easily called our "friends with benefits deal" quits. Whatever it is, I already fucked it up. Badly.

In an attempt to escape my own thoughts, I grabbed my hoodie from the sitting room table where it laid strewn aside by Katelyn, and my keys. Heading to the garage where my convertible top Corvette, that I had gotten as a 16th birthday present from my mom, was stored, I tried to calm myself down. A deep breath in and a slow exhale sometimes worked and sometimes didn't. This time was more of a "I don't know what the fuck is going on" time.

Sitting in my black leather-covered seats, I finally allowed my tensed body to relax. Speeding out the long driveway, I accelerated to 45, quickly moving up to a steady 70. The roads of Maine were rural and forested, the only light coming from the moon and the occasional street lamp, and no cars around. Rolling my windows down, I tried to outrun my thoughts, letting the freezing air whip through my hair. I wasn't a car fanatic nor did I like driving terribly much, but when I had the opportunity to get away from my thoughts I took it.

Speeding with the moon above me, I felt two hot tears roll down my face. The past 7 years were hard, to say the least, but the past week was hell and I just wanted it to be over. Pushing harder on the gas pedal, I gunned it down the deserted roads letting myself feel everything. All the pent-up emotions from the past week rushed back to me slamming me in the chest, forcing me to feel everything. I hurt Morgan. I played with Katelyn. I continued to deceive Jayde. Feeling the stinging burn of the tears starting to pour out, I pulled over slowing down to a rolling stop.

Sobbing openly, I gripped the steering wheel holding onto it as if it might float away if I let it. I ruin everything I touch. Throwing my head back, I let the tears stream out like a steady river current. Turning my eyes up to the sky, I pleaded with the stars. Please just let everything go okay for once. Let me just wake up and this all be a dream. And with those last thoughts, my eyes closed, unknowingly drifting into a restless sleep.