ɪ ꜱᴛɪʟʟ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ʏᴏᴜ

XXXIII

Standing there completely numb, his presence is enough to bring all the memories I have locked never wanting to let them out.

Bile rises in my throat at the thought of what he has done. My skin crawled in disgust, I was fuming he has the nerve to show his face after everything he has done to destroy me. I suddenly wanted to puke all my guts out. 

"I saw you dancing with your boy toy over there, I am impressed you put on a nice show". He took one step towards me, I stood there frozen under his cold threatening gaze. "You never learn, don't you, you are mine."

I still didn't speak, my heart was beating so fast in fear. I wanted to run away but my body was just frozen there.

He lifted his hand and I instinctively flinched away, "Oh you know I won't hurt you unless you don't listen to me". He laughed "I love how you are still scared of me". 

I hate to admit he is right, I am fucking terrified. He is someone who I want to undo from my past. Skip the whole chapter where he never existed. I don't want him to touch me ever again. I don't want his touch or him near me. I balled my fists so he couldn't see that my hands were shaking. My fight and flight senses were not working. 

He ruined me, he is the only soul reason I hate myself, I hate everything about me especially my body. I couldn't just look at me without feeling disgusted, thinking about his hands all over me. I buried that memory and torment deep inside. 

Nathan Evans. How dare he show his face to me? How? Even he is here, outsiders are not allowed. Even after so many warnings and I put  restraining orders against him.

"I see you won't talk, this is the way you greet me after a long time, my love. I am disappointed, hm let's see how your little boyfriend reacts when I send him those pictures". 

Fear invaded my whole body, everything turned blur around me. I was panicking, pictures he still had. No, Jungkook can't ever see them. I don't want to see disgust in his eyes, I don't want him to see me as I see myself. 

He can't ever know. 

"That's what I thought so stay away from him my little bird,Understood.  I will see you around". Nathan whispered, caressing my face before turning to leave, throwing me a glare. 

He is back, how? All those years when I tried to pick myself together, when I was finally ready to let go of my past to finally learn to accept myself. He just came and ruined everything. He even knows about Jungkook. I don't want him near him. I can't let him hurt him. 

"Hey, are you okay? You look pale". 

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even notice that Jungkook came back. He placed his hand on my forehead, I flinched back avoiding his touch. He was taken aback and a little hurt. I didn't pay attention. All the feelings came rushing back as my senses were working again. 

Nausea hit me as I quickly ran to the bathroom. I opened the stall before throwing out all the food I had eaten. I didn't have it in me to cry. I didn't think he would return after so many years,a hand rubbed my back soothingly. 

In any situation Jungkook's touch would calm me, thinking about him seeing the pictures caused another wave of Nausea to hit me. 

I slumped down on the floor not caring if my dress got dirty. Jungkook held me in his arms, wiping my dampened face. 

I gently pushed him away, stalking towards the basin to wash my mouth and face. 

I slowly looked up in the mirror,I looked horrible, the makeup was smudged on my face. My skin was pale white I didn't even want to look at myself like this. 

"Let's go home". Jungkook stood behind me, not knowing how to approach me. As I kept pushing him. 

I didn't respond, just turned to leave. He took a hold of my shoulder as my steps stuttered, but I shrugged him off"I can walk on my own ". 

I left him behind walking away quickly, hoping no one would catch me in this state. I should have known better, these events, parties and dance are not for me. Something happens every time I am here . It's always Nathan. 

The whole car ride Jungkook didn't try to question my behaviour, or make small talk which I appreciated. He handed me a water bottle and some chocolates so I don't feel dizzy again. I didn't know how I haven't had a breakdown till now. The turmoil inside me kept growing, consuming me whole taking to the place I belonged and well aware off. The darkness. 

I was so detached I didn't even notice we reached home and were standing in my bedroom. Jungkook stood awkwardly waiting for me to say something. 

"Are you feeling a little better now,still don't want to take medicines?" 

He sighed as I still didn't answer him, I thought he would get angry and frustrated with him. Surprisingly he is quite patient. 

He kissed my forehead"Change and go to sleep, if you need me call me I will be sleeping on the couch". 

I felt bad he is trying so much, he is still staying even after I kept pushing him away. 

"Do you need help to change?". He hesitantly asked, watching me carefully as I stood there blankly. 

I nodded my head, I didn't have energy to do anything. I am just tired, so tired that I want to just sleep and never wake up. 

He removed his suit. Leaving him in his dress shirt, he lifted me up in his arms carrying me to the bathroom. He set me on the toilet seat, pulling his sleeves to the elbow. 

I watched him moving around my bathroom searching for wet tissues to clean my face. He opened all my cabinets till he found it walking towards me, he gently wiped my face. 

I kept staring at him, he was so concentrated on his task. Wiping my cheeks, nose, and lips. 

Noticing my stare on him he smiled softly telling me to close my eyes. I did what he told me as he dampened my eyes with tissue. 

"Done, wait here I will bring you clothes". 

Before he could leave I took hold of hand, silently pleading not to leave me alone. 

I stood besides as he emerged in my closet. He pulled his hoodie out which I wore when I went to his house. Allowing him to discard my dress, I felt cold air hitting my bare skin. 

I stood in front of him in just panties and a bra. He pulled the hoodie over my head moving his hand under it. My breath hitched as my body stilled. 

"Relax baby".  He seems to know me, he might have noticed my discomfort. 

Nothing about his touch was sensual; it was caring, so delicate. He moved his hand on my back caressing the skin softly before unhooking my bra. 

"Let's go to sleep now." 

I pulled him to sleep beside me. He looked hesitant, asking me if I am really okay with it or not. He kept a safe distance between us. I really miss being in his arms. The comfort and safe feeling it brings me, still I don't snuggle to his side. Wanting to avoid every physical touch. It's enough to have him beside me, his presence can bring me comfort I need for now it's more than enough. 

It's hurting me to do so, but my body and heart is just not ready to accept anything after the flashbacks I am. The horrible nightmare which I am starting to live in again.