A New Life

Chapter 42

Katy's POV:

It's been 9 days since we said goodbye to our little girl.

Chris has started to leave me alone more. I feel numb all the time. If I'm not in the nursery, I'm in the shower. Right now, I'm in the shower letting the water cover me. Chris comes in, brushes his teeth then leaves. Barely looking at me. He's mad. I know it. I can feel it. He's mad because it's my fault. I let this happen to our baby, I let this happen to us. She's dead because of me and he knows it. He can't even look at me anymore, he doesn't talk to me and when he does it's not alot.

I stay in the shower until I hear some noise. Like tape being pulled. I get out, wrap my towel around my body and go find out what the noise is.
I follow the noise to the nursery. "What are you doing?!" I yell when I see Chris taping over a box. He doesn't even look up. He just continues. He walks over to the second drawer and pulls out her clothes from it. "Stop!! Chris!! What are you doing?!" I run over to him to try and stop. "Chris! Stop it!" I pull to get the clothes back. He doesn't let go. He just looks at me. "We have to box them up Katy." he says coldly, pulling the clothes back from me. "Why? They're hers! Stop it!" I feel tears forming. "They can't stay here. None of it can. It's just a fucking reminder." his voice still cold. Putting the clothes in a new box. "No they need to stay! Don't do this!" I try to grab the clothes from the box. He grabs my arm. Tight. "You can't just throw out her clothes!" I cry out. "They can't stay here Katy." he says getting louder. "But they're hers!" I cry back. "And she's not going to wear them!" he yells back at me. "She will never wear these. She will never sleep in this cot. She will never read these books or play with these toys because..." he stops. "Because I killed her." I say looking at him. His face changes from anger to confusion to sad. "Because I killed her, isn't that right Chris? It's my goddamn fucking fault she's not here, she never will be. Because I couldn't protect her. Because I let it happen.." he goes to say something. "No Chris. Go ahead, finish getting rid of her stuff. You're right, she will never use them, because she's cold in the ground, because I put her there." I run out of the room crying.

----------------------------------------------------

Chris' POV:

I should have gone after her. I know I should have. But I couldn't move after what she said. Does she really think it's her fault? How could it be? I just wanted to get this stuff out of here. It hurts seeing it. It hurts walking past and seeing her sit in this goddamn chair looking blank all the time. I thought I was helping. She barely talks, she barely moves, or sleeps. She's hardly eaten. I just want her to start moving forward. I know it's going to be hard, but she isn't even trying to. I have to get out of this house. I call out saying that I'm going to see the guys. Grab my keys and leave. I just need to.. not be here for a while.

----------------------------------------------------

Katys POV:

I can't do this anymore. I can't keep feeling numb, feeling like the weight of the world is on me. Feeling the anger Chris has towards me. The guilt of killing my baby. The sadness of my stomach being empty. I just can't fucking do this anymore. Chris left to see the band, so I make the bed, I get dressed into my dress I wore to our little girls funeral. I tidy the kitchen, the lounge, the dining room. I finish boxing the rest of our baby's stuff and stack them.
I find a pen and paper and I start writing.

Chris,
Im sorry I couldn't protect her. I'm sorry I've put you through this. I know everyone keeps saying it'll get better, but it's not. It's too fucking hard. I know you're angry, and you have every right to blame me. I understand, I do too. I'm so sorry I couldn't keep going. I tried. But it's just too much.
I love you so fucking much.
I just can't keep hurting you.
You need to move on from all this shit.
You can't do that if I'm still here. So I'm going to remove myself from the situation.
I love you, and I really hope you live your life the way your supposed to. Full, happy and kindly.

I love you,
Katy x

I put it in an envelope, seal it and write his name on the front. I put it on our bed and go to the bathroom. I fill the bath with water and go find my stash of painkillers I kept. I drink them all down with some vodka I left with them.
I go back to the bathroom. Close the door, lock it and lie down in the bath. Letting the water cover my body. I find his razor and break it.
I take one of the sharp blades and put it to my wrist. I press it hard. Wincing at the pain. I feel the burn as I pull the blade up towards me. I stop and pull away. Swapping hands and repeating. I let the red flow out into the bath, waiting for the darkness to take over finally for the last time.