where you go i go

Five

TW// mentions of suicide

One month since the end of the war and as Nayoko sits in her office, her thoughts can't help but drift to Lawrence, and how he's doing.

She had missed his coronation, travelling with Tanya to the West instead of the North to meet with merchants from the Southern Isles. Now back, they had just completed archiving all the official documents exchanged between the Empire and the Isles and could finally indulge in a small break before moving on to their next project. Tanya, of course, had thrown herself back into her work, electing to begin researching rather than sleeping in like Nayoko had. The stars now twinkled in the sky and the librarians were long asleep, but Nayoko could still see Tanya's light coming from underneath her door.

She hesitates, before knocking twice.

"Enter," Tanya calls out, voice muffled by the thick wood.

Nayoko balances the tray in one hand and opens the door with the other, sliding into the room and sitting down across from her advisor. The teacups rattle as she sets the tray down rather ungracefully and she cringes slightly at the sound, but thankfully nothing spills. Tanya looks up at the clatter, surprised to see Nayoko but even more surprised to see what she has in her hand, let alone anything at all; her visits have always been strictly professional.

"You're still working," Nayoko observes.

"Yes. The Archives only have a third of the relics in the catalogue, and we still don't know how many have been lost to the war."

The books stacked on the ground reach Nayoko's waist. Tanya's mug of coffee has formed rings on her desk and parchment, but she does not seem to have noticed. The dark circles under her eyes are almost the colour of ink smudged on her hands and her red hair has lost its usual sheen. Her brown skin is grey and sickly.

"When did you last sleep?" Nayoko tries to hide the concern in her voice.

"On the carriage back. Why?"

"It's been four days."

Tanya huffs and tucks her quill into the inkpot. She looks up at Nayoko, irritated. "This work is necessary. It is my duty."

"You could afford to take some breaks."

"And delay what's already late? With that work ethic I would never get anything done," Tanya retorts, almost glowering. "Besides, I would've already been done had someone helped."

Nayako's eyes shoot up from a map on the desk and focus on Tanya, who has a slight scowl on her face.

"You never asked."

"Because it's your job!"

"And I needed a break! How am I supposed to know you need help when you just shut yourself in your office, working on Muses know what?"

Tanya stands, knuckles as white as her bared teeth as she grips the desk, and towers over the other woman. "I'm not supposed to be telling you what to do. I've served stupid and I've served incompetent, but I've never served stupid and incompetent in all my years alive. As the Archivist, your work never ends. The peace of this nation depends on the Archives and Lawrence depends on you. I will not let you sully your image with your laziness and incompetence, especially not in front of our Emperor."

The fire inside Tanya is doused when she notices Nayoko's bottom lip quivering. Regret floods her as she slumps.

"Forgive me. That was unprofessional," Tanya breaks eye contact in shame.

"Why do you hate me?" Despite her best efforts, Nayoko's voice shakes as she speaks.

"What?"

"Why do you despise me so?" Nayoko repeats, voice cracking around the edges.

Tanya exhales, brings a hand to her temples and rubs them. When she looks up, Nayoko can see the lines in her face have deepened and despite knowing better, she can't help but think Tanya looks older than when they first met ten years ago.

"I...it's hard to explain," Tanya mutters, almost sounding ashamed at her outburst. She seems hesitant to divulge anything more, but when she meets Nayoko's eyes, she knows she won't leave without an answer.

"When we first met, when you first enrolled at the Archives, I thought you no more than a spoiled brat," she laughs drily, "You were of noble birth, like the other students, and knew nothing of hard work and merit. You lacked Lawrence's chivalry and virtue, and Alice's drive and passion."

Nayoko frowns, about to ask if Tanya was just going to insult her, but Tanya continues.

"Then your status grew. You went from a minor noble to an assistant librarian to a scholar, and I could not go anywhere without hearing your name as professors and scholars gossiped about the new prodigy," she spits the word. "When you surpassed me and became an Archival Assistant, you stayed humble while I grew bitter. I..." Tanya lowers her gaze, choosing to focus on her maps rather than the woman in front of her.

"I was jealous. When I learned of Helena's plans for you my jealousy turned to hate. You didn't earn what she gave and neither did you deserve it. Before you came I was next in line to be Archivist."

"So working under me is salt in the wound," Nayoko adds.

Tanya confirms this with a nod, hands loosening around the wooden edge of the desk but still clenching it.

"After the Rite you navigated your role as Archivist with the same ferocity and brutish nature you exhibited on the battlefield, which only confirmed my suspicions. How could the Muse of Warfare know anything about bureaucracy and scholasticism? How would an orphan know the complexities of court life and noble affairs? I knew these answers but I asked them anyways, and Helena's response hardened my contempt."

Curiosity gets the better of Nayoko. "What did she say?"

The anger seeps out of Tanya as quickly as it showed up, and her shoulders slump under an invisible weight.

"That I was too jaded, all head and no heart. To rule took more than reason and I was nothing but reason." Eyes downcast, she resumes, "Her words were final and I knew she was right." Tanya stares at the parchment on her desk and the ink that had bled from her quill. Had she said too much? Would Nayoko decide to leave?

She's snapped out of her reverie by the click of Nayoko's boots on the hardwood floor and her hands on Tanya's shoulders. She stiffens from the contact. Nayoko doesn't notice, and if she does, she doesn't care. Her violet eyes are filled with more tenacity than when the argument broke out, but they don't regard Tanya in irritation or animosity. This time they are filled with determination.

"You're not wrong."

Tanya scoffs. Was the drama really necessary? Had she really crossed the room to–

"But Helena wasn't wrong either."

Tanya's eyes snap back to Nayoko's as she continues speaking.

"You are jaded. You're calculating, callous and too smart for your own good. I was no more than a battle tactician, a war scholar and an orphan, idealistic and naive, but that is not who I am today."

Her grip on Tanya tightens but Tanya can not bring herself to look away, to react with anything but surprise. She searches the woman in front of her and waits for her to falter, but finds nothing of the sort.

"I cannot change what has already happened, but I can prove myself worthy of this title. Not to Helena, not to the dead either, but to you. To the people. I know these words mean nothing, but let me show you that she made the right choice, that I will not disappoint Lawrence or the Archives."

She steps back and extends her hand, which Tanya takes. Nayoko holds the stunned woman's hand close over her heart.

"And I swear on my life, as Ornia, Muse of the Art and Strategy of War, that I will not disappoint."

Tanya wonders speechlessly if this is another ploy, another attempt at breaking her shell, but the certainty in Nayoko's eyes is all she needs for an answer.