Can't get you off my mind [Zarry]-English Translation

#Ache

Zayn's PoV

A few hours had passed since Harry left. I'd seen the sun setting, and the sky becoming dark. I'd cuddled up on the couch with the puppy by my side, licking my hand. It almost seemed to understand that i needed someone in that moment. I hadn't eaten, i'd only dragged myself to the bathroom to shower and then i went laying on the couch without being able to speak or do nothing.

When Harry closed the door, that slam had brought with it everything we'd been through during that week, and also during those months.

All the moments we'd had started to pass through my mind.
The glances, the hugs, the caresses stolen with a bit of fear, fear that one day that touch between us wouldn't be enough anymore, that we would be jealous of it, always hungrier of eachother. And that's how it had been.

We'd kissed, touched, we'd make every centimeter of our skins coincide to the other's, and i'd never felt more alive, more okay, more complete.
When we kissed for the first time, almost an year before, we were drunk and i remembered slightly what had happened. But the morning after i'd woke up with a weird feeling, like something was missing by my side.
Now that feeling was back, but this time i knew it was because of Harry abscence.
The kiss we shared and the things we'd done in the privet of the disco that night made me realize all the feelings i'd felt when he was with me.
We'd never been friends. Between us there was that complicity that usually comes after years spent next to someone as his lover.
After making love for the first time, and all the other ones, i'd asked him to not let me go. To be by my side even when it would have been hard to understand me, because i was willing to do it with him.

Now i was alone.

I realized just then that i had no one to talk to, to open up to, because we'd said so many lies and hid so many secrets to be together.

My mother knew i lived with Liam, but i'd never specified how intimate our relationship was. I'd already disappointed her and my dad by leaving the band, and giving them other news like that would have been to much, for them and for me.

Niall was the only one i could talk to, knowing he wouldn't judge me, but he was spending his breaktime at his family's, in Ireland, and i didn't feel like bother him just to make him listen to my problems.

With Liam there wasn't even the slightest possibility to be listened, and i wouldn't even blame him after what had happened.

I squeezed a fist on the couch and felt the eyes becoming wet while a lump was growing in my throat.
I felt my breath becoming more irregular and i sat, trying to calm down. I had to do it by myself because no one would have come to help me this time.
I closed my eyes and started inspiring and expiring slowly, like Harry had teached me, and i focused on caressing the puppy.
When i opened my eyes i saw he was licking my fingers while being cuddled up on my lap.

"Harvey m-mh?" i swallowed slowly while sniffing and caressing him "s-sorry if i waisted a lot of time before giving you a name" i whishpered, and he looked at me before yawning and leaning on me again.

I took my phone to text Harry

Z: 'Can you come home? I need to talk to you'
[23:48]

I dried my tears with the back of my hand and lighted myself a cigarette while seeing the phonescreen lighting up

H: 'No Zayn, you already said what you had to say'
[23:52]

H: 'I don't like when people act like this'
[23:52]

H: 'You've only thought about your fucking jealousy, and i can't accept it'
[23:52]

My hands where shacking as i read the texts. I couldn't believe he didn't care about us and that he could give up on me so easily

Z: 'Are you breaking up with me Harry? Is it it?'
[23:52]

I stayed on the chat, and noticed he kept being online for a while before he started writing

H: 'I don't know Zayn, maybe we'd run too fast. We've never had an actual date, we'd had sex before even getting together, it all happened so fast that i feel like i haven't realized it and we haven't enjoyed it. I need to disconnect for a moment, and now Louis needs me. I can't leave him alone in a moment like this. He'd been important too, and i can't act like nothing's happening if he's hurting...'
[00:18]

I brought a hand on my mouth, hearing indefinite noises coming out of my mouth while reading that text.

I let my phone fall down and covered my face, bursting in tears again.
I felt like everything was breaking between my hands, and i didn't know what to do in order to take back all the pieces.

He'd asked him to love him and not leave him alone with such strong feelings, but now he was the one doing that with me.
I could feel my heart haching and i could breath normally slightly between the tears. I could have never believed i could feel so bad.
It was an intense pain, almost like a twinge, but it wasn't stopping. I was feeling like my strenghs were abandoning me and i had no reason to fight for anymore.

I'd lost him again, and maybe this time he wouldn't have done anything to come back to me.I brought a hand on my hair and pulled them slowly, feeling the phone vibrating on the carpet. It had stayed there since i let it fall.

H: 'Zay..?' [00:26]
H: 'Answer me, don't make me worry' [00:35]
H: 'I've seen you saw the text' [00:47]
H: 'Zayn please' [01:08]

I tightened my jawline, feeling a sudden anger filling me

Z: 'What the fuck do you want now?'
Z: 'What should i tell you? You've already decided everything'
Z: 'You tell me not to be selfish but then you screw all these months without thinking about it twice'
Z: 'You're wrecking me Harry'
Z: 'You can't even imagine how much you're hurting me right now'
[01:14]

I turned off my phone and layed on the couch, with Harvey between my arms.
He licked away some tears from my face before falling asleep next to me.

I didn't instantly fall asleep, and i fixed myself several times, searching for a comfortable position,and then i fell in my sleep without even realizing it.