PERRIE
The quiet hallways of the hospital was no longer so quiet as I could hear the pounding of my heart in my chest.
"Hey, Perrie!" I slightly heard Leigh's co worker Kamille call out from the reception island. I waved her a little hello but there was not much a smile on my face. I don't even care if she thinks me rude after that. There was only one and only one thing on my mind. I needed to talk to Jade and revive what we had before I went overridden by emotion earlier and I guess severing the tie between us. I had to reconnect.
I found Leigh in the same room I left them earlier. She was sitting by the bedside. I could hear her calm voice speaking, though I still was a bit too far to make out her words. I was pretty sure, it was Jade she was talking to. Jade seems calm right now.
I did not want to creep them out by sneaking in quietly, I had to make my presence be known.
I cleared my throat. Leigh turned around and as she did she was revealed, my beautiful princess, her eyes swollen from all the crying.
Once she saw me at the doorway, her eyes lit up, and an apparent glow took over her pale face. Around the upper part of her head was a bandage. She did get hurt after I left, and I could not help but tear up at the thought that I caused her to do so.
"Baby," I moved closer, my voice still with tremors as the emotion in my chest was like a geyser in my throat.
I saw a hint of a smile in the corner of her eyes, but it disappeared in just a few seconds as she started to tear up again. "I'm so sorry." she started.
I shook my head. "No, I AM sorry." I finally found my inner strength to touch her again. I took her hand in mine and kissed the back of it, which I think soothed her somehow as her tensed up heartbeat a few moments ago has now turned to a calmer one. I don't know if it was the way her shaking stopped or the pulse that I felt with our wrists against each other again after a long time.
Leigh gave me a knowing nod and gently rubbed Jade's shoulder, reassuring smile on her lips before walking off the room.
She shook her head and out came from her a sigh so deep it almost felt as if she was gasping. "Why did you come back?" Her tone was not accusing at all, instead, I felt the sadness in it. "I am not...the girl you need."
"Not true." I countered.
She gripped my hand gently, "Listen, I see it now, and hard as it is to admit, I am broken and would only burden you."
"And what more burden will it be if I can't be with you?" I pleaded. " I need you in my life as much, or even more than you think you need me."
"Most people will not want to deal with someone as broken as me." She insisted, a break down looming as her voice cracked.
"I am not one of them, Jade." I told her.
She was quiet.
And all I told her is true. While I know how most people would see it a shame to involve themselves with someone who has, to term it, some serious illusion caused by trauma, there is no reason for me to turn my back on Jade right now.
She may be thinking that her condition is all that would make me look away and consider myself more than she is, but she will never understand how completely wrong that notion is. I have come face to face with a mirror to see myself for the first time. It may seem I am already happy and fortunate- what with my "daughter"" and the property I own- but the mirror revealed that I was actually unhappy and how plain my life was before Jade. Her wit, her smile, even the gray skies brought some thrill and function to my life. What better life is there when you have someone who loves you whom you love back.
This is why I know for sure that I need her in my once-way-too-simple life.
"Won't I be such a shame to you?" there it is again.
"Never. Whatever makes you doubt how you and I are meant to be, we'll sort out together."
"How?"
Now that was one question that is so tough to answer realistically at the moment. However, in my heart, I was already sure that we'll be able to figure out as long as we have each other. It may sound too emotional and not too sensible of me, but I will find my ideas as long as she stays with me.
"We'll start by clearing off your mind." And by clearing off her mind, I meant bringing her the colors, the contrasts and she will be able to lose herself in the peace there. "For now, please get healthy and rest. You'll see when you're out of that bed."
"Do I...need to forget her?" she asked, worry laced with her voice.
As much as I know it would help to take out Jesy from her daily thoughts, I would not want to take off a big chunk of who Jade was by forgetting about her dead sister. All I want is for her to finally break free from her self imposed prison of guilt over Jesy's death.
"No, baby. Not at all. I just want you to know it was not your fault. That it has been and there is more that could be, for you." I soothed.
"She's always been the one to tell me never to blame myself for the wrongs that happened," she sighed. "And look where it got her. I'm afraid. What if...?"
"What if what?"
"I don't want to lose you forever too."
This is her admitting that she needs me too. My heart is happy.
"You love me?"
Oh no! I said it out loud!
She nodded, then she shook her head. "I don't know how to love without risking your safety. Perrie, I don't want to lose you the way I lost her."
"You won't, I promise." I assured her.
And I can tell she saw it in my eyes, the truth of my words. She closed her eyes, took in a deep breath.
I could not help myself but cup her face in my palm, and I could feel her relax, really relax.
"You won't break that promise, would you?"
"Of course I won't." She finally gave in and held on to my hand. And I promise, I will never give her reason to doubt my promise to her. Because I don't ever want to lose her too.
