JADE
I slumped on the couch, thinking what Perrie would be thinking of me now. I don't want her to see me rude, but I also did not want her to see me cry. I did not want Ellie to feel guilty about asking questions but it now feels like I did. If there was anyone at fault, it was me. I realized I don't want her to get too close because I would have to deal with Jes's jealousy. I never should have opened about this sad part of me. I shouldn't have opened up to her on anything. And yet, I think now, I felt so easy to let out words when it was Perrie who asked. Then I get triggered to sadness like this. All the if only lines I have ever since that fateful night with Jes are again in my head. Add to that the if only I had not felt so easy with that blonde.
Emotion is so confusing, and to control it is easier said than done. I knew from the very start that Perrie is different. She had that aura that make me feel so comfortable that I could forget anything else but I knew that I must not let her carry me away. I have to remember. Remember that I have to take care of Jes. Remember that she is a guardian of my pupil. Remember that I can't have another intimacy because I am not good at handling intimate relation, proved by how Jesy hates me.
I went up to my room to shower, hoping to wash out all the thoughts from my head. Somehow this is effective.
When I came out of my bathroom, I heard my phone beeping in my bag, which I placed on the bed. I took it out, saw that it was some new number, hoped it was some client asking about making a painting for them or a prospect student.
"Hello. Jade Thirlwall." I said into the speaker in my most formal manner.
"Jade. I'm sorry." I heard her pure voice. I was sure because I haven't heard another voice anywhere.
"Miss...Perrie?"
"Yes. I'm worried. Was there an emergency or?" I could hear Ellie at the background asking if I was okay.
I cut off her rambling, whispering "I'm alright. I was just...not fond of talking about her."
I looked towards the wall that separated my room from Jesy's then moved towards the window to be a little bit farther. Every time I think of her, there is sadness I could not explain. I used to be proud to tell anyone about her but since that night she told me off, I felt embarrassed to talk of her knowing I'll be judged since I was the reason for her hermitage and the damages to her body and pride. And she would be jealous if I had a new friend that's so close.
"Then accept my apologies for asking towards it." I could hear the sadness outlined in her words. And as I said it was nobody else's fault except mine. I wanted her to know that.
"Please don't apologize." I instantly said. "I'm so embarrassed to talk about her."
"You shouldn't be. She's your sister, I bet you have a lot of good things to say about her."
"It just always makes me sad, knowing her situation right now."
"Which is?"
I heard some movement from Jesy's room.
"I gotta go." I told Perrie. "I'll tell you tomorrow."
I did not even wait for her response, just ended the call. I know Jes would hate me even more if she heard me talk about her.
Though, to be honest, talking a bit to Perrie made me feel lighter, unlike most other times when it only made me sad to talk of Jes. Besides, I already promised her before ending the call that I would talk to her tomorrow about it
