Warning: contains abuse, trauma trigger
JADE
It's been a week since that night and I have to admit that I somehow miss Perrie. Even though I know I was in reason enough to tell her off in thinking that Jesy is crazy I came to realize that she may have only been suggesting with good intention thinking of what she thought would be helpful for me. When I met Perrie, I knew I found someone who understood me the way Jesy used to do. But then, her words that night angered me and I needed to tell her off to keep Jesy, not wanting to abandon someone who I think is becoming more and more misunderstood with her own nightmares of having lost everything she ever dreamed of in one night. I can't leave her alone to fend for herself, not now that even our family, I'm talking about Karl, would acknowledge her need. While an asylum or what Perrie termed it, a therapy home would have people to feed and give her what she needs, I know it would appear to Jesy that I am abandoning her and the responsibility that the accident brought on me. However, I am hurting to have to lose someone like Perrie who has grown on me after all those weeks. And to spill the truth, I may have been falling for her too. When I first met her, there was an attraction that I tried to suppress. Not talking to her at all would have been an option but she is like a magnet that always drew me back, even in subconscious. I don't even know how the attraction grew and when I began to feel certain unexplainable need of her. And now that I am finally freeing myself from her presence, it seems a bit too late to unlearn the way I already feel.
And as if it could not get even worse, this sudden no-Perrie week has had me all derailed all week long. Hard as I try not to think of it and be mournful, the absence of the healthy arguments and maybe her voice made me unhappy. Even the kids noticed the sudden indifferent attitude I bore.
Before all these happened, Perrie had become an integral part of my day. She picked up Ellie often and we would talk of things we find interest in, and strange as it seems, her voice lured me to listen, even when the conversation at some point turns into something silly. What made our meetings more usual though was when she decided she wanted to learn to make her own art, thus becoming my client in my freelance studio. After a session at the studio, she would drive me home , though I would always insist on getting dropped off at the corner of our drive and the boulevard. I kind of got used to that- half an hour in her car, talking, sometimes debating on any topic we find interesting. But since I assume we no longer are friends, I had to go back to spending that half an hour in a cab with a driver who is also a total stranger to me. It may have been heavenly mercy that got me through that in the past four days as it is now Friday. And I decided maybe an extra half hour painting in the studio would help ease my mind.
I sat on the backseat as the cabbie kept on talking, more like babbling as we headed towards the boulevard's direction, but I never talked to him. I was not in a mood to talk. And even if I was, I still wouldn't because I really don't talk to random cab drivers. I just looked out the window, thinking of how I have to get used to this again now that Perrie's not with me-to sitting quietly alone on my way home instead of joining a talkative cab driver gibberish where there wouldn't be much sense to talk about.
While in these thoughts, I felt my eyes drooping. All the stress had been making my eyes hurt, with all the tears I cried and even those I kept from flowing down my face. And I am not quite sure how long, I must have fallen to a nap, only got startled when I felt a hand brush down the side of my face, probably tucking a strand of hair away from it. When I opened my eyes, my throat went as dry as the sahara. The cab has come to a stop and the driver has already managed to crawl over to the backseat and right beside me.
"Shh" he whispered, his forefinger across his lips to emphasize that I should keep my mouth shut. I could tell he has parked us at some less utilized street where the only light hitting us was partly hidden by a wall, somehow illuminating some of his facial features. Even through this little light, I could see cold evil in his eyes. With my hands pinned down by one of his much larger and stronger hands, I could not push him away but when he shifted his finger on his lips to caress my own lips, I had to bite down on it until it bled and he let go of pinning me down to nurse his injury.
With this, there was an opportunity to open the door on my side attempting an escape, but to get me back in, he grabbed my leg instead, getting me hit my head on the doorframe in this process and that was when real panic hit me. As if a movie, there was this vivid face of a man, also with that evil in his eyes and a memory I should have forgotten long ago.
My knees quaked as his hand slid up and down my leg, my back on the cold tile wall of the bathroom. I wanted to push him away, but all my strength was drained in the panic in my mind. Why I considered him a brother, I never knew. Maybe it was because he was dating Jesy then.
But in this moment, there was only a monster holding me, just right after touching me where I was preserving myself for the right one when the time comes. His rough hand wasn't what I wanted to give it to. His nice guy act was all to keep Jesy, I found out during these seconds that I was paralyzed by the fear and unexplainable shock.
He finally let go of my leg, straightening up so he was standing so much taller than I am, his face disgustingly close to mine.
"Not a word to anyone and no harm comes to Jesy."he whispered. The evil in his stare made my blood curdle in my vein as much as his threat did.
My mind played different scenarios of what could happen to Jesy if I spoke of this. I had a choice to make and I have to choose what would be best for everyone, even if that meant to live with this secret for as long as I know. I am no one anyway, as compared to Jesy. So I had tried to bury it deep in the back of all my memories all those years.
I never knew it would come to the surface at this time. And here I am again, another secret, another self torture to keep with it...
"Holy..." I heard the shattering of glass and he gripped hard on my blouse as he ripped it off. My mind went blank and I felt a darkness engulf me. Maybe it would be better to drown in it than to witness what I would not ever want to remember.
