Photograph

Fifteen

BILLIE'S POV

We had fallen asleep in that position. Her pink tinted cheeks were face pressed up against my arm, completely motionless as soft snores escaped her lips.

She kinda looked like a passed out rabbit.

Alex had fallen asleep so fast.

We talked and talked and talked and as soon as a deafening yet comfortable silence between us had blossomed, she had fallen asleep with her head resting in the crook of my neck, her hair spilling over her face.

The last thing she had mumbled was,

"Why does it feel like I've known you forever?"

I didn't answer because she wasn't even fucking conscious to listen, and I didn't even have an answer. I'm not angry, she did look exhausted.

Which, again, left me stuck in my own head temporarily.

It really did feel like we've known each-other forever.

I had noticed that her and Katie had become close. I also noticed, that shit was platonic, and so that didn't worry me.

And, I noticed I started to care more. If her and Katie ever got together then I just know I'd wash over with embarrassment and... Possibly jealousy?

Why?

I had partially lied to Alex just now, saying about how I'm not actually cold hearted and I don't use people for my own satisfaction. But I wanted her. I said it to impress her. I said I'm not a dick because I wanted to impress people to impress her.

I didn't want her for a relationship. I just wanted someone.

Not to fuck, either.

I didn't want to waste our friendship because I was just craving affection, though. Was it worth throwing away her trust because I want someone to hold me when I go and fuck shit up at work again?

If I fuck shit up with her, then she'd be out of the picture.

Then I'd be alone.

Like always.

So, if I tell her the opposite of what I'm doing, she wouldn't even consider it as an option because I was so vulnerable to the situation. She was so sweet to comfort me when we talked. She was so sweet and kind in general. She's an overall fucking angel.

I wanted her.

But I'm talking as if I'm planning to destroy her.

I didn't know if she wanted me, though. Maybe she was straight, like me.

In conclusion, I'd just have to make her want me.

She'd have to think it's romantic to pull through with it, and then I'd have her all for me.

No, before you say anything, it's not fucking selfish. Sure, it's cruel, but I deserve someone. But, hear me out, K? I've wasted so much time trying to make myself a certain way for other people, so why the fuck can't other people make themselves a certain way for me? I'm so sick of it, man. The reason I am the way I am was because of the fact I adjust myself for other emotionally manipulative people. Fuck them.

What's the point in anything if I'm not even gonna be me? I live up to all of Alex's expectations, and she lives up to mine. Well, if we had any.

I can't shoot my shot if I know she doesn't want me to. I need her to need me for me to need her, otherwise I'm not satisfied with it and I would have failed, leading her to be put on another pile of people who didn't want me. I don't want that to happen. I want to say to people that she likes me and wants to be with me, and vice versa, even if I don't.

Sometimes I say things just to see where it goes.

Hence this whole thing.

I don't know why I'm like this.

I told Finn she doesn't deserve someone like me, but I never said I don't deserve someone like her. She wasn't a body craving, power hungry little boy who didn't want to listen to me when I was sad or whatever.

I could never tell him what I actually mean because then he'd turn on me and then hate me because I was with someone who I don't even view romantically.

'But Billie! Why can't you just let her be your photographer!'

Man, I don't even know.

Something about her instantly drew me towards her.

I have millions of followers, and my platform is large, but something about this one girl really substituted for all the horny men who wanted to fuck me because of the way I look. I don't want a horny man who wants to fuck me all the time. I want a human person. I want someone with good advice. Someone who always knows what to say. Someone who's British, even.

Sound familiar?

I don't want to use her, I just want to make her mine.

Even if it means tricking her into thinking I actually want to date her.

I know, I'm a horrible person. Whatever. But this is what I need to do for myself to make myself not go completely insane.

Who knows. Maybe I already fucking am.

/

I woke up to something spiky tapping away at my face, leaving it itchy after each small tap.

I groaned. "Fuck off."

I peeped one eye open to see Finn and a random ass man sitting in a wheelchair across from me, ripping up paper and rolling it into balls and throwing the small rolls of paper in my face, presumably to wake me up.

I grabbed a small handful of the paper balls from my chest that had piled up and chucked them at the two boys, watching them shriek like little bitches as they got hit by each one.

"Are y'all fucking five? Grow up. If Claudia wasn't around, Fin, I would've thought you'd like balls in your face." I grumbled.

I looked over and saw as there was small paper rolls scattered around in Alex's hair beneath me.

Before Finneas could interject my small hit, I rolled my eyes.

"You fucking idiots. She's sleeping. Don't pull that shit."

They both giggled and mumbled small, lame apologies.

"Billie, this is Felix. He's teaching you how to use the wheelchair you'll need from now on until you recover."

I sighed. "Can't I just get pushed? Can't I just pay for an electric one?"

The black haired boy who I now knew as Felix, chuckled slightly, putting the ripped paper down on the small table next to him.

"You really want to buy an electric chair? Come on, lazy." He reached beside him and pulled a small chair beside him and patted the seat.

For fuck's sake.