Photograph

Nineteen

I was thinking about this on the bus last night.

Why does embarrassment swallow you whole? Why does the human body carry out that chemical reaction?

Is it normal for every cell in your body to go sour, substituting pride with humiliation and your throat clog up with the leftover words from all the abandoned sentences that you could have said in the sheer moment? Brief. Very brief.

Maybe all that stems from my crippling social anxiety, but it may be normal. My chest would tighten and my clothes would swallow me up as my face would flush a shade of scarlet. And not the good kind of flush.

I didn't talk to Billie at all for the following days we were cooped up on that bus. She had to stay downstairs due to her injury, meaning me and Finneas and Katie and Claudia and Patrick and Maggie and one of her band mates were all forced to be squashed together with her while she slept in the tiny room in the back because she would complain otherwise.

But, I didn't want to, so I stayed upstairs by myself.

Alone.

Katie stayed with me sometimes, she made me feel as if I wasn't strange for being myself.

I got along with her more than Billie's other friends. The added pressure of being Billie's client and living up to my standards and being a klutz whilst doing so made it seem as if the others didn't exactly like me. But, Katie was different.

Everyone on the bus knew something was up with me, though. They all chipped in to make me feel comfortable, which I truly appreciated.

I even heard Billie try and manage her way up the stairs, but after several grunts and several swearing and several clattering of the crutches indicating failure, she gave up.

I watched as the bus was pulling into LA, rolling past all the tall buildings and bent over palm trees that towered over as if they were people.

Everyone was somewhere, leaving me and a very stiff Billie Eilish aquatinted on opposite sides of the main seating area.

"So, uh." She said, her voice breaking slightly. "You want a lift home? I can drive you?"

I left a small pause, thinking about what to say.

I could tell she was guilty by the way she was fiddling with her sleeves. Something told me, though, that deep, deep down, she wasn't guilty at all.

I watched as her face softened at my poor attempt to make eye contact with her, trying to make conversation.

She looked at me as if I was fragile, like if she said the wrong thing I'd completely shatter right then and there. Like she was afraid to touch me otherwise I'd fall apart. Like she didn't even want to be acquainted with me because she was too scared of getting hurt in the process.

"You know better than to drive me home." I squeaked out.

I watched her face pull down in that same frown I had grown used to, before getting up and wandering towards the room by the stairs of the bus again, completely shrouding myself in the darkness.

I really didn't want to speak to her today.

/

"Finneas, it's okay, I can walk."

"With all those bags? No, Alex. We can—"

"I said I can walk."

He put down his case and turned to face where I was standing, his face softening. "Are you alright?"

I swung my backpack around my shoulder, giving him a small smile.

"Sorry. I'm just— I just need to lay down or something. I've never really been a traveller. Thank you for this opportunity, though. If it wasn't for you and everyone else, my career wouldn't have kickstarted."

Shark had come and lay on my feet so I couldn't move, and everyone else was now inside Billie's house, helping to unpack.

"Hm. Bil did say you missed your mom." He mumbled. "And also, you're so fucking talented, Alex. The way you turn a simple moment using the snap of a camera into a heartfelt motionless story is beyond me. I think Billie did us a favour of reaching out to you."

"I appreciate that so much. Thank you, Finneas."

An awkward silence draped over us as he realized he was staring and suddenly shook himself back to life, giving me a reassuring smile as he wafted the small dog off me and into the house.

After I had gathered all my stuff, it didn't take me long to scramble into the cosy house.

Each wall was coated with memories. Pictures of Billie and Finneas scattered around, as well as polaroids of Maggie and Patrick at their wedding.

There was even some of Zoe and Drew, dancing with Billie when they were younger.

It felt so warm.

"Of course the photo groupie is over here looking at the photos." A voice hummed. "That pink headed one over there next to Billie is moi. Maggie didn't even tell us she was taking the photo, I'm not actually smoking crack even though I look it." I heard Katie giggle beside me.

She was pointing to a photo of her and Billie sitting up against a wall, their faces disorientated and completely oblivious to the real world. Billie's eyes were completely squeezed shut, and she had a hand up to try and brush away the excess silver hair that was blowing in her face as Katie was laughing with her head tilted back.

Crazy how so many words to describe a moment can be put into one simple picture.

"Should've stuck with the pink." I joked. "You're unrecognisable without the blue."

"I might go purple. Or a dip dye. I don't know. It's Billie who's the manic hair dying drama queen." She chuckled. "She's thinking of going blonde. With bangs. She said she might regret it but I think she'd look good."

She noticed as I winced at the name and her face relaxed slightly to sympathize. Her hand now finding her space on my shoulder again.

"It's okay, you know. Like, it's okay to be angry."

I sighed.

"I know. She said being gay isn't normal, of course I'm angry." I told her. "It felt as if she were joking. Like, the way she lead me on and just completely put all that behaviour to rest by being a dick? That couldn't have been real."

I heard a soft giggle leave Katie's lips. "I had to shake some sense into her. I think it was just internalised homophobia, really. That fool didn't mean it."

She tutted and kissed my cheek, shaking off the previous conversation. "Well, then. Let me just say bye to everyone and I'll drive you back, I'm not letting you walk home in the cold."

AN

idk why i started this book.

lol.