I Miss You (kellic)

Disasterology

"His life, pondered through the seasons, now in his fifteenth year, crystallized with the pain of puberty."
I set the book down and rubbed my eyes. The pain of puberty? I don't ever recall it being physically painful. But maybe he didn't mean physical, maybe mentally painful. I do in fact recall those days: where I would sit in my room and stare into blank nothingness. Until I slowly felt myself cave into my own thoughts. Then I felt the pain. Do I blame it on puberty? Not necessarily, I do however, blame it on growing up. Because growing up means caring more, feeling more. I don't want to feel. The only feeling I feel is depricating. Sadness. Regret. Self-loathe.
To put it simply, pain.

So puberty is painful, and I guess I finally understand what Greene was talking about.

I looked around the room and "accidentaly" stared at him for a little too long. He didn't notice me though...no one ever does.
I'm always the one sitting in the very back of the classroom, listening to their music a little too loudly, and being a little too gay for everyone else to handle.

Mike hit me in the arm playfully and leaned over to whisper, "Dude just give it a rest he's never gonna like you. He's super popular, not to mention homophobic."

I scoffed at him, "What? I don't like Kellin Quinn."

"Come on, its obvious. You stare at him constantly like some love struck girl," he said.
I felt my face heat up, "Shut up."
He chuckled, "I'm just messing with you."
I sighed, "Yeah well I've had enough of that already today."
He looked away from me, "I'm sorry.."
"It's fine," I whispered back.
"Ahem," Mr. Arnold cleared his throat and leaned forward on his desk, "Fuentes brothers do you mind sharing with the rest of the class what was so important to you that you had to interrupt the class?"
Everyone in the class turned around to stare at me: the kid that no one even knows.
"Sorry," Mike murmured.
I put my head down and let my hair fall in my face; a good defense mechanism I'd learned a while ago.
Kellin turned around and looked me right in he eyes. I blushed and looked away.
He chuckled, "Fag."
I heard Mike shift in his seat. I looked at him through my hair and his hands were in fists.
"Mike," I whispered.
He looked at me and his clench softened, "Fuck him."
"Yeah," I breathed out.
But I didn't mean it. He is perfect. He is beautiful. He is popular. He's everything I've ever wanted to be. Or to have. Kellin Quinn is the only one I've ever wanted. But he doesn't even know I exist as a person. Just as a "fag." I honestly don't know what made me so attracted to this boy. Maybe it's what all the other girls always surrounding him see. Probably not. They probably just want sex of some sort. But not me. I just want him. As a human, mind before body.
I think I might see the potential he has. I can just picture him, holding me in his arms and never letting go. And I would sing to him, and love him and never betray or leave him. Ever. I know what I would do. I just don't know what he would, if I even had a chance.

There's a few problems with him, however. But who doesn't like a good fixer upper? I know he's worth it. He's got to be.

Well, first of all, he's straight. And he makes sure everyone knows it because he's got a new girl around his arm every time I see him. Secondly, he's..an asshole. To put it bluntly. And third, he's super homophobic and hates my very existence for that reason.
But, I know that one day I'll get him to see that it's not about the gender, it's about the person.
Maybe I'm just living in a world of optical illusion, but how else am I supposed to live? I know how the real world is, and if I lived by their standards I'd be dead already.

I look back down at my book and continue to read. Then the red headed girl from the front office placed a note on my desk and quickly walked out of the room. I picked up the slip it read:
Report to Office Immediately after Class for Victor Fuentes
I gulped. Fuck what'd I do now?
Reason for Dismissal: 24 consistent absences
Oh yeah.
Conveniently the bell rung a little moments after the arrival of this note. I grabbed my bag and mutter a good bye to my brother before heading to the office. I walk through the hallways with my head down and my music drowning out the noise of the hell which is high school.
I push open the large doors to the office reluctantly; I almost got away with it.
"Victor Fuentes?" Asks the same red headed girl who gave me the note.
I nod.
She gives me a sympathetic look, "Second door on your right."
I nod again and make my way to the vice principle's office. Once I get there I open the door slowly and there he is, with fucking Coach Layman sitting right by his side.
"Take a seat, Fuentes," spat Coach Layman.
I sit in the chair in front of them and let my hair shield my face.
The vice principal clears his throat, "So Victor, do you know why you are here?"
I nod quickly, still looking down.
"Look at him when he's talking boy! Respect!" Yelled Layman.
I look up to see both of them staring at me like I'm something to devour.
"Answer him," the coach says a little quieter.
"It's because of the absences," I said quickly.
"Yes, but only in 5th, Coach Layman's Senior Athletics. Why is that Vic?" Asked the vice principle.
I looked down but there was no escaping the embarrassing truth.
"I-I'm not good at, sports," I stuttered.
Hah if only that much were true.
Layman laughed, "Boy everyone has potential. I bet you'd be great on the soccer field."
Was that a racial slur?
The vp cleared his throat, "You only have to be in that class for a semester to get your credits. Why did you actually skip?"
Just, leave me alone. You don't want the truth, trust me.
"I just don't like it okay?" I snapped, but kept my voice down.
He sighed, "Well, hopefully you'll like Life Time Fitness because that's what you'll be attending to starting tomorrow everyday. I didn't want to do this to you Vic, but you leave us no choice. You can't graduate if you don't have a PE credit."
I ran my hand through my hair forcefully, "Okay fine."
"Watch it boy," Layman said leaning closer to me.
"S-sorry," I whispered.
"Alright Victor, you are dismissed," said the vice principle.
I grabbed my backpack and walked out of the office quickly. The hallways were completely empty and class had already begun. I walked to my last class of the day: Physics.
I actually didn't mind physics too much. I'm pretty good at all of my classes, and I get all of my work done. Mostly because that's all I ever do. That and play the guitar.
Naturally I don't have any friends being a "weird emo faggit", so I spend all of my days alone in my room. I don't feel things anymore. Cutting doesn't really feel like it used to. I'm used to the pain so now all I have is my music. Honestly I wish I was just dead. My mama says that I'm worth a lot. That I just have to wait, and I'll do great things. And I could be happy. But there's always a price to happiness, I've learned. And that price is worse than anything you could ever experience.
I used to care a lot about peoples' opinions about me. I used to care about other people. Now I can't. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I physically cannot let myself. I used to be happy. The bullying used to bother me. But not really at all. I don't have to feel a thing anymore. I don't want to feel a thing anymore.
"I don't want to feel a thing anymore," I repeated before walking into my class room. I sat down in the back corner of the room and wrote that sentence down in my music notebook.
"So I thought about it and I don't want to feel a thing anymore," I whispered to myself. Hmm that didn't sound right.
"So I thought about it and I did, and I don't want to feel a thing anymore.." My voice trailed off as I looked up at the board.
Today's lesson:
The Meaning of Force- an influence tending to change the motion of a body or produce motion or stress in a stationary body. The magnitude of such an influence is often calculated by multiplying the mass of the body by its acceleration.
I can't pretend to not be interested. The influence to change the motion of the body.. Hmm..
The motion of the body? How about the sexuality of the body?
My new project to distract me from my lack of feeling is Kellin. I'm going to make Kellin gay. Well I know I can't actually make someone gay, but maybe he's gay and he didn't even know it. I mean, you never know until you try.
This will be interesting.
He doesn't have to be gay, he can be pan, bi, demi. I'm pansexual, not completely gay, however, I haven't dated either genders, and to be honest I think prefer guys over girls a little more.
"Vic?" Asked Ms. Maldo.
"Yeah?" I answered quietly.
"I told you to think about it," she said to me.
"You told me to think about what? I'm sorry," I replied nervously. Just stop making me talk. The class snickered.
She rolled her eyes, "Vic, if you were actually listening to me then you would know that I asked you to think about what the board says. Do you remember talking about the different kinds of force?"
"Uhm, yes, like kinetic and potential?" I asked.
She shook her head, "No, now that's energy. Samantha I saw your hand up, do you remember?"
I sighed and looked back down to my song notebook.
She told me to think about it. Hah, well I did, but not in the means of science.
She told me to think about it and I did, now I don't want to feel a thing anymore. This is actually beginning to sound like something.
But I don't want it to be "she". I want it to be anyone. So..they? No. Oh, you. It's you.
You told me to think about it and I did.
"You told me to think about it, well I did. " I whispered to myself.
"You told me think about it well I did, now I don't want to feel a thing anymore," I repeated.
I'm proud of that.
I closed my notebook and rested my head on my hands. Kellin isn't gay. He never will be. Stoping giving yourself hope, Vic.
I'm right. Feelings are dangerous, remember? You're giving yourself something to feel already by liking him and that goes against everything I stand for within my own personal standards of my life. Why am I letting myself do any of this. Why do I still have hope?
I felt the classroom caving in and a loud high pitched scream blasted into my ears and then I realized that I was screaming. I looked around the room and everyone was starring at me in horror.
"Vic, do you need to go to the counselors office for a bit, again?" Asked Maldo.
I looked up at her through my long brown hair, "yeah."
"Go then," she said pointing to the door. I nodded and walked out quickly.
God I'm such a fucking psycho. Why don't you just announce it to the hold world that you're a sociopath?!
I made a hard right and stopped immediately in my tracks. It was Kellin Quinn, and a few of his football "friends." They didn't see me, they were at the end of the hallway. But I could smell it. The scent all too familiar in my neighborhood: cheap weed.
I rubbed my eyes and back away slowly so they wouldn't see me. I went to turn around and my face was met with a locker room door. It made a loud crashing noise in the quiet hallways. I turned around to face them and they were starring at me.
"Hey!" One of them called out.
I started to walk quickly back around the corner but I felt one of them jerk my back pack. Force.
I hit the floor quite violently and kept my eyes on the ground when I got back up.
There were only two of them. The others were still at the end of the hall.
"Hey," the same one as before repeated.
"Y-yeah?" I stuttered. I felt like throwing up and crying but I can't. I can't be a pussy. I'm going to get my ass kicked if I don't just go along with what they tell me.

"Who are you?" He asked me.

"Uhmm, Juan," I said nervously. I wasn't going to give up my actually name; plus these racist idiots will believe me.

"Well, Juan, do you smoke?" He asked.

"N-not really," I stuttered again.

"Fuck, so uh, are you gonna rat us out then?" He asked slamming his fist on the locker for intimidation.

I shook my head no, "M-my brother does so I wouldn't tell."

"Who's your brother?" He asked.
Fuck Vic think, think. Who's a big Mexican druggie at our school?

"Tony," I said quickly.

They all laughed in disbelief, "Tony Perry?"
I nodded quickly.
"He deals with us," said another one.
"Yeah I, I know ," I added. Stop talking stupid.

They all collectively laughed, "Well we're not gonna mess with the school druggie's little bro right?"
I looked up and they were back at the end of the hallway. They were talking to Kellin. Then he actually waved. To me! I couldn't believe it. I waved back sheepishly and walked away so I wouldn't make a fool of myself.

Fuck did that really just happen?
I continued towards the counselor because of my sudden outburst in class.
I knocked on her door and she let me in immediately.
"Vic what seems to be the problem?" Mrs. Alan asked me.
I sat down on the coach across from her and held my head in my hands. She was the only one I can ever tell the truth to.
"I-I don't know," I said, my breathing shaky.
She leaned forward in her chair, "Well what happened?"
I ran my hands through my hair roughly, "I like someone who will never like me back."
She sighed, "How do you know they will never like you back? Did you ask them?"
"N-no, I-I did not," I replied trying not to cry.
"Well then you never know unless you try," she said gently.
"But, it's not like that," I said rubbing my eyes.
"What do you mean?" She asked.
Vic don't do this.
"Well it's, Kellin Quinn," I responded. I regretted even walking in here.
She fell silent for a few minutes.
Then she finally spoke up, "Vic, I don't think you should waste your time on someone like him. He's selfish and you are worth way more than he is. Okay?"
I nodded; but I didn't agree with her. I still have so much hope. So much disregarded irrational hope that a completely straight, popular, boy will love me back.

I left her office and walked to my shitty blue car and waited for Mike to get out of his class. As I was waiting I decided to finish my short story for english, The Destructors. It was actually not as bad as everyone made it out to be. But maybe I'm just some weird nerd who takes things too symbolically and tries to find meaning in things that don't even matter. I don't really care what I am. Because eventually I won't be here anymore. I don't care how many times my mama says I'm important, I know I have no real purpose. I know I'm way too sensitive for the "real world", and I know that no one actually needs me.
"Hey open up!" Yelled Mike banging on the door.
I unlocked the car and put my book back in my bag.
He climbed into the passenger's seat next to me, "Those fucking gringos wouldn't let me go."
I tried to laugh but I couldn't find the energy so I just smiled awkwardly at him, "Yeah, sorry bro."
"Why'd you have to go to the office after class?" He asked.
I put the key in the ignition and started the car, "Cause I kept skipping gym."
"Oh," he chuckled, "Why? We don't even do anything in there."
"You know why," I snapped. He sat back in his seat and looked out the window. I pulled out of the parking lot and made our way home.