I Miss You (kellic)

Wonderless

"Well, I know where he lives," said Mike proudly.

Wait what..

"Wow, that's really creepy," I say laughing at him.

"You gotta know what you gotta know. Anyways, he lives on like the outsides of Deer Creek," he added.

Deer Creek was a fancy rich neighborhood where most people of my school lived in. My neighborhood, however, was lower-middle class, and was divided into two different school districts. I just so happen to be lucky enough to go to school with all of the snobby kids. Yay.
But Kellin didn't live in Deer Creek? He lives on the outside? I don't even know what to call that area.

"I don't think I've ever been over there," I say.

He sighs in annoyance, "Yeah, you have. You just don't remember. We used to go over there all the time, for the Churros stand. Remember?"

"Oh yeah! Damn those were good," I said remembering the delicious cinnamon and sugar.

Then I recalled all of the times we had to stay close to Mama, and don't talk to any strangers. I wasn't even allowed four feet away from her when we went there. She'd yell at us and slap us on the head.

"So, we're going there tomorrow," he said confidently.

"No Mike, we can't just drive to his house. We've got to have a plan," I say.

"Well you're not going to be seeing him at school anytime soon," he added.

"Wait, what?" I ask.

He sighs, "They got suspended, you know."

Oh...

I looked down at my blood splattered hoodie. I should probably change.

"I gotta take a shower but come back when you've got the plan figured out, okay?" I say to him attempting to stand up.

He smiles, "Oh okay!" Then runs out of my room like a little kid. I liked seeing him this happy.

I undressed and and stood in front of the mirror. The cuts and scars peppered all over my chest and arms. My massacred skin shining in the fluorescent lighting of my bathroom. I ran my fingers across some of the older scars and sighed. I want to do it. I want to do it again.

// TRIGGER WARNING //

I walked over to my sock drawer and pulled them out. A familiar adrenaline rush spread through my body and I slid the razor across my wrist. I was running out of room, so I moved down to my upper thighs, feeling something new. I winced a little as the blood ran down my legs. The skin here was more sensitive. I actually felt it. As insane as it sounds, it was almost, enticing.

I found myself smiling and crying at the same time; forcing myself to keep going. This is what I wanted. I wanted to feel.

I took a breath out quickly and immediately coughed up blood. Shit. I began wheezing violently and reached over for the inhaler that I'd gotten from the hospital. I shook it and pressed the air into my mouth. The cold pressure crawled down my throat and I exhaled slowly. I almost forgot about my collapsed lung. Thanks Kellin! Well, it technically wasn't Kellin, but it was his fault.

I'm still wonderless as to why exactly he beat me. And as to why I'm still trying. Still breathing? I honestly wish that they would've killed me. Not that I wanted to die on the floor, right next to a freshman health classroom, or by them; but I really wish I was dead.
I'm giving myself another try, though. Mike has struck another match in my heart, and this time I can't let it go out. Mostly for him, and a little bit for Kellin. I don't like passion, but for some reason, it keeps me alive.
I eventually get in the shower, letting the warm water burn the cuts and skin. The soap stung too, but I was okay with that. I was okay with all of this; I had to be. I have to keep convincing myself that this is okay. The very small, but sometimes prevalent rational part of my brain tells me it's very wrong. But I don't ever listen. And here we are: scrubbing the dried blood off of my arms and legs.