A Court of Made Madness - Azriel's love

21. Jesminda

Lucien

Gwyn - Nesta's friend is my daughter? It's possible that over the years I've spent on Calanmai that I fathered a child but it is highly unlikely with the fae birth rate it could've happened. Didn't she have a twin as well?

Fuck. I've been angry at Helion for the 500 years of letting me suffer under Beron and then being Tamlin's damaged pet, but are we more alike than I'd like to admit?

"How does this even happen" I mutter, walking to the library entrance to the House of Wind. I've never actually been inside, although I've never had a valid reason to until now. What if I'm not allowed inside? I pause before the door and run a strained hand through my hair and the door opens on its own - a pale old woman standing before me, urging me inside.

"I- I'm looking for Gwyneth Berdara, Gwyn" I correct myself, trying to sound more comfortable at my daughter's name. As if the priestess in the cloak understands, she signals in the direction to where I can find her. I don't even have time to prepare myself before I see her reading some large old book with a mug of tea nearby on the table. I'm not sure how practical that is in an antique library but that's the last thing on my mind. Her hair, her situation for having ended up here, the battles she has faced - both physical and emotional all come flooding to me from overheard conversations.

I must have been standing here for a while. "Um, hi" she says, snapping me out of a trance. "Can I help you with something?" she asks looking up and marking the page in her book. That's when I know that Elain got it wrong. Her mother was not some random woman I had enjoyed Calanmai with, she's the spitting image of her. Jesminda - my first and only love in this life.

This is really happening.

"Yeah. No. Sorry, I don't know what I'm doing here". I know exactly what I'm doing - I'm panicking about telling my daughter that I'm her father. Chances are she's going to slam the book down or throw it at me and banish me from her sight, at this moment that's exactly what I want her to do because it'd make life so so much simpler.

"Well you're in a library, are you looking for a book? Otherwise the company isn't exactly lively" she smiles and it brings my attention to how soft her features are on such a scarred, young girl. Well, she's not that young but her gentleness reminds me of "Jesminda", I accidentally say.

"I'm sorry?"

"Gwyn, I'm here because... I knew your mother" I say with caution.

"My mother? But how would you know who she was? Who I am in relation to her?" She furrows her brows.

"How old were you when she passed?" Something isn't adding up. Jesminda died pregnant in my arms so how was Gwyn born.

"I was twelve. My sister and I were twelve" - three memories of Jesminda cut down to one.

"I'm your father" I say sharply. There's no easy way to do this and maybe I'm going about it wrong - disrupting her safe place with troubling memories of a family and life which was a lie.

"What? No, my father died before I was born" she closes her book and leans further forward, crossing her arms in front of her and I pull up a chair across the table from her.

"I'm your father. The woman who raised you - who you knew as a mother is not your biological mother. I know this all so confusing and I just found out myself. I'm so so sorry Gwyn, if I'd have known-" I say frantically before getting cut off.

"It wouldn't have made a difference, believe me. Although I am confused, why did you not know? And what happened to the woman who birthed me?" Further questions I can only guess the answers to.

"A long time ago, I was deeply in love. Jesminda - your mother was the sweetest, strongest female I have ever known - she was as tough as Nesta" I chuckle and she smiles again, the same smile as her mother.

"My father, no, Beron - another long story - killed her in cold blood because he found out how I felt about her and that we were engaged. She was pregnant when she died, but I had no idea the babes were delivered. I was in such a hazy state for months, years even that that detail after her death had not occurred to me. I lost the love of my life, my home, the little faith  I had in Beron and my family. Morrigan's story should've been enough for me to take Jes and leave altogether, but I waited, and for that reason I blame myself, not only for losing her, but you and your sister too." I sigh, looking down, blinking fast to prevent my tears from falling. I have never talked about her like this - not to anyone. It takes everything in me not to fall apart again at the memory of her strawberry blonde hair, blue eyes, so so many freckles, soft skin like petting a newborn pup.

At the touch of a warm hand placed on mine, I gasp silently and look up to see Gwyn with the same expression as mine, smiling through the tears falling down her face, and that's when I can no longer hold back. I let the tears drop and cover my mouth with my free hand, looking down again.

"Hey, it's okay. I understand. I didn't before and I've spent my whole life imaging the what-ifs too. What if my mother had survived her illness. What if I defended my sister with my life instead of moving tables and throwing cutlery at the raiders. I've had years to forgive myself and come to terms with the losses I may or may not have caused. Thank you. Truly" I place my hand back on the top of hers and hold it there and take in our closeness, but not being able to make up for the time lost.