Bungo Stray Dogs Oneshots

Soukoku | Agnst | "Was It All For Nothing?"

So here's a Soukoku Angst idea I randomly got in my head:

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Title: Was It All For Nothing?

Ship: Soukoku

Type: Angst

Warnings: Cussing

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Dazai Osamu.....

He's probably one of the hardest to understand on this whole damn planet. Heck, I was his old partner and I still don't understand why he did what he did. All the suicide talk and attempts, all the harsh treatment, the abuse. He said it was for teaching. His subordinate said it was for his own twisted pleasures. Yeah... he is hard to understand.

He was never really close to anyone besides me but even with our bond I find myself exploring this alone and unskilled. Well because he had no seemingly deep connections it's no surprise I'm here in my current state. Have you ever had something only for it to be forcefully taken from you the next few days or weeks? Well that's exactly what had happened to me.

I remember kissing Dazai the day we confessed to each other. The sun was warm on my face, like his hands. He was holding my face between those warm hands and sending a warm feeling through my entire being. How I loved that feeling. His touch, his smile, his damn face... those every my everything back then. Now... I dunno really... Nowadays, it feels like there's an empty space where that touch had been, much like the hole in my heart.

I remember when we had first slept together. We had decided to do so only because my car had broken down and we didn't have a ride back to the base. Dazai offered me a chance to sleep at his house so I decided to take it. This was after we had confessed by the way. We burst through the door laughing and soaking wet. The rain had started pouring down on us and we had been messing around. Dazai had pushed me and caused me to plash in some water. I, in turn, pushed him into a large puddle of water from behind. He swore he'd get back at me and he started chasing me down. I remember snuggling up against him and feeling his arms wrap me up in a tight hug once we'd settled inside the small, but decent, apartment. I felt so safe. I felt that I wanted this to last forever and ever. I wanted to sleep like this with him every night, even on nights where we had our own choices to sleep with each other or not. Not only on ones that we were technically forced to sleep together because of a broken down car. However life's a bitch. Things like that can't last forever.

I remember the times where we'd talk about his problems and my own. I remember when I had to console him and convince him not to go out in a suicide attempt. I felt so open to him back then. I wonder if he felt the same. Who am I kidding? Dazai wasn't close to anyone. If he was, then he wouldn't have left me. Heck why do I even miss the bastard? Just remembering these is putting me in a bad mood.

I remember the day I woke up and heard Dazai was missing in action. I remember screaming at Mori to let me investigate. it's ironic, though. Me, a Mafia member, begging to investigate a case, like a detective. Mori gave me permission, despite his doubts that I'd find anything. And, not to surprisingly, I came out with no luck whatsoever. I remember the stress coursing through my body as I dug for evidence on where he headed off to. I ruled out death as a possible reason because I had a feeling he wasn't gone just yet. I ruled out being kidnapped as well because I knew full well of his power and skill. Days turned into months and eventually they turned into a year. Sadly, with having nothing to really work with, I came to the conclusion that he left me. I was nothing special so of course he'd leave me.

Dazai.. he always carried that feeling around him that he was trapped. It was like he wanted to be free. I don't know if it was the Mafia's fault or his own mind but I know he was feeling that way. When I looked into those dark brown eyes, I always noted a look of longing. He probably left because of getting bored or something. Maybe killing became to much of a norm for him. I really don't understand how that could happen but hey, this is Dazai Osamu I'm talking about. After all, he never seemed to have a sense of scheduling or order.

I didn't really know anything about his connections in the Mafia so I basically had no help whatsoever. I hated the feeling. I hated losing him. I also hated how I let myself get caught in a loophole of drinking and smoking to forget. I remember all of the times where I've gotten drunk, snapped at my subordinates, and sometimes injured them with my ability. I hate myself for being so.... weak. Why cant I just handle this calmly....? Koyo said that it was because of the feeling of loneliness. I guess she's right. I mean, I did feel a great emptiness within me once I learned he was gone. I think the saying's right: "You never know how important a person is to you until you loose them."

I still wait here for him to answer my questions. I've waited for two years now. I'm now 20. He left when I was still eighteen. I was surprised at first, on how I didn't go out yet but I later learned that my reason for living was to be strong for those around me and get results for the Mafia. There were other things in life other than Dazai. I become the 'mom' figure, the parental figure, alongside Koyo. I became one of the Mafia's most powerful members. So much has happened since then but there's always one thought nagging at the back of my mind.

What about the love I had shared with Dazai? Were all those cuddling sessions, kisses, and words spoken for nothing? Did they mean anything? Do they still mean anything to Dazai? Has he forgotten me completely? Was it all.... for nothing...?

I swear, by my status as a Mafia Executive, that I'll get back at the Bandaged Bastard one day.

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Thank you for reading. I had been meaning to write something along these lines for a long time now and I've finally done it! I really hope you enjoy this!