Bungo Stray Dogs Oneshots

Tense | Shin Soukoku | Light Angst

ship: Shin Soukoku

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Type: Light Agnst

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Mentions of Akutagawa's past, kidnapping, r@pe,and ab*se.

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Atsushi sighed to himself as he walked towards the area where he and the Mafia's Akutagawa Ryunosuke were supposed to be meeting. He sat down on a bench once he got there and thought to himself, his chin resting against his hands.

"Ugh what if he kills me?" he asked to himself, shaking his head angrily. "No no he won't kill you. He can't not for another six months, at least... He'll keep his promise.. right?" 

Atsushi sighed. With his luck, he's more likely to be lied to than accepted. He's had his trust broken so many times already. Heck, sometimes he just forgets about the rest of the world and dwells on his broken promises. So many have hurt him already and it would be no surprise that he would get hurt again. He sighed sadly. "Maybe if he kills me, he'll do it quickly so I can die and forget everything..."

Soon he heard footsteps and looked up to see Akutagawa walking towards him. Atsushi stood up and waved to him. Akutagawa nodded and coughed into his hand as a response. 

The Mafioso himself never really knew what was in store for him at the meet up. He was half expecting to be apprehended by police or something. Life as a Mafia member puts you on edge, making you weary to trust others. This was just a normal feeling Akutagawa felt in the back of his mind. He's been hurt before as well, physically and mentally, like Atsushi, so in a way, these two understood each other. It's normal for him to feel this untrusting. Heck, life has been sending him down a dark path since the beginning so what could he possibly expect?

They started walking around together, chatting about small things and such but they never really... got immersed into a conversation. It was always small talk, about what's been going on in their lives and such. They seemed so... far way yet they were around three inches apart. 

Atsushi noticed this. he wondered why Akutagawa acted to far away. He looked so tense but he never could figure out why. He decided to shoot the question out there, hoping Akutagawa would answer him. 

"Akutagawa... why are you always so tense?" he asked. Akutagawa looked at Atsushi, his face seeming to send a pained expression to him and muttered in response:

"When you are in the Mafia.. you pick up on a few emotions here and there and you can't exactly let them go because of who you were raised to be."

Atsushi tilted his head in confusion and stopped, looking at him straight in the eye.

"Can you elaborate?" he asked. Akutagawa paused for a moment before nodding, taking the male by the hand and leading him into a small alleyway in the city, apart from everything else and secluded. He sat down against a wall and looked at the ground before muttering his explanation.

"I'm always so tense because of my past, Were-tiger. I lived out in the streets with a few other orphans and my sister. We sometimes never had a good place to sleep and sometimes never had enough food to satisfy. I think you know that feeling, don't you? However, I am wondering if you know about the dangers of being attacked, kidnapped, and raped. We weren't idiots and we heard our fair share of the news. There was a time we were attacked. Most of us escaped alive but one of my friends was taken. Taken and sold into the child trafficking business. We knew because I saw him being loaded into a van with other kids, their mouths taped and their hands tied. I nearly cried that day. That friend was a close one. 

"We were around seven or eight or nine then. It scarred us, caused us to develop a distrust for man and humanity itself. Now you are probably wondering 'But you trust Dazai, right?' Yeah I trust him. I did, at least. He was a traitor to the Port Mafia. However, despite his abuse, it wasn't a betrayal of trust. He warned me he'd make my life a living Hell but I joined out of my own free will. 

"The thing that scarred me then was his violence; the hitting, punching, scratching, stabbing, and shooting. He'd use violence for my screw-ups and shout and scream at my about my weaknesses and how I 'brought shame upon the Mafia with my weak points.' Every failure meant something, whether it was a punch, a stab, or a shot, it meant something. That was how I was raised. I was raised to become a monster, a killer, someone who can take life without any mercy. However, I still have my fears and regrets. 

"I fear retaliation for what I've done. I fear the hitting, the shooting, and the abuse I went through will come again and torment me in a hundred-fold. I fear that whatever may lie in wait for my in the afterlife will be full of that past pain that I am trying to get away from. That's why i am so tense. I'm tense because I fear my own undoing. I'm tense because of how I was raised and who I was made to become. 

"I'm tense because of my own existence."

He paused then then continued.

"I became stronger though. You know, remember when I told you about those kidnappers who took my closest friend?" he asked, looking at Atsushi, Atsushi nodded for him to go on.

"Well, I killed them. Splattered their blood all over the floor and made sure that the last word that they heard was my friend's name. Loud and clear. I made them regret ever taking what mattered to me.

"That is the one time I see myself being strong. It is the one and only time until Dazai will say it himself. And I trust that one day he'll say it. That's just how naive I can be, I guess. Nothing, nothing in the world, will change my point of view."

Atsushi was almost speechless. Akutagawa was now being seen in a new light. Yes, he hadn't gone though everything Akutagawa went through but he felt the fear of being taken and raped. He felt the fear of being killed. Heck, when he was living on the streets, he'd been so nervous to fall asleep fully. He dd understand a small part of the pain but Akutagawa was younger then, younger than Atsushi was during his time on the streets.

"That's horrible to go through." he stated, his head hanging down a bit. Akutagawa nodded.

"Yeah.... it is. But I'm trying to get over it, you know. I'm trying to look past everything and move forward. I'm trying to get stronger and find a reason to live."

Atsushi couldn't say anything more. He felt sorry for the man but he also felt proud. He put his hand over the other male's and gripped it tightly. Akutagawa looked at him with a confused look but allowed for Atsushi to hold his hand.

Confessing his feelings could wait a bit. Atsushi would help the man move on first and break past his trauma. After all, he was in the Armed Detective Agency. His goal was to help people. This, for now. would be his reason for living: Helping Akutagawa Ryunosuke find peace within himself. 

"I'll help you through it, Akutagawa."

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1234 Words