Felt and Fell

Two

Zoya

Next time I meet a man, I'm saying nothing to anybody.
Nada.dada.nono.
Zip.

Not until we've been blissfully married for a decade and have three kids and have just renewed our wedding vows.
Then, and only then, will I send a text to Dhara saying: Guess what? I met someone! He seems nice!

"Oh, I'm fine." I muster a breezy, matter-of-fact tone. "How about you?" I sat on my bed after freshening up.

"All good this end. So...?"

She leaves the question dangling. I know exactly what she means. She means, So, are you wearing a massive diamond ring and toasting yourself.

At last she tapers off into silence. I don't breathe. I think we might be getting to the nub of things. "So, by the way, Yash and I aren't together anymore,"

I say in a careless, dropping-something-from-the-tips-of-my-fingers manner.

"Oh, really?" she matched my tone. We could be talking about a minor subplot in East Enders.

"Yeah, we split up."

"I see."

"Wasn't right."

"Ah. Well. That's a real ..." I'm running out of anodyne one-syllable words. "I mean, that's ..."

"Yes. It's a shame." She pauses. "In one way."

"Right. So, was he ..." I'm treading on eggshells here. "I mean, weren't you..."

What the fuck went wrong when an hour ago he was in the middle of a bloody proposal?  That's what she really wants to demand. I know her, and I also know that she won't say a word until I actually tell her.

"I guess I am taking this too far. I need some time for myself and then I'll talk to him." No! He couldn't lie today, he told me clearly that marriage isn't something he is looking forward to but I don't want to spoil her mood, she has been so excited since the dates of her marriage have been fixed.  I was probably, just now, going to do this and spoil our moods so I preferred being quiet about this break up for some time. 

"I thought you said he had a 'big question'?" she asked.

"Yes. Well. He changed his story," she says in a determinedly nonchalant voice. "He said it wasn't a 'big question. It was a 'question'."

She winced. That's bad. A "big question" isn't the variety of questions.." It's not even a subset.

"So what was the question?"

"It was about air miles, as it happens," I said. Change the topic Zoya. Anything. Quick.  "Anyhow, You really need to tell me what all things do I need to pack. I have a free day ahead." 

"Are you really, fine?"

"Yeah, I just thought too much. I'll talk to him later..."

"As you say.... I'll send you a list."

I didn't sleep all night.

People say that, and what they mean is: I woke up a few times, made a cup of tea, and went back to bed. But I really didn't sleep all night. I counted every hour going past.

A tiny part of me still wonders if by walking out on Yash,, I made the biggest mistake of my life. If I'd hung on, bitten my tongue, and never mentioned marriage, might our relationship have worked out? Somehow?

But the rest of me is more rational. I counted all the logics as I sipped my morning coffee beside the big window in my house, alone. 

Premise one:  has no intention of proposing to me; he made that fairly clear.