Felt and Fell

Twenty Four

Aditya

"Adii..." I hear her calling me. I looked into her glassy eyes, understanding every bit of her. Zoya was holding her dress to her chest, stopping it from falling.

It's all me. I mentally slap myself.

I rushed to grab my Tee and gave it to her.

"Adi ..Adi...where are you going?...Adi... I'm sorry... that is ...it is...it wasn't..meant... I didn't mean it...Adiii .." she whined, trying to grab onto me.

"Wear it Zoya." I sat beside her to calm her down. 

As broken as I feel right now, I cannot ignore that this woman would hurt herself trying to function in that undone dress.

"No you listen.." she pushed it away and held my shoulder from one hand, bringing me back on the bed. "It's not what you might think it is Adi...I didn't mean to...I wasn't even thinking about him...It was you...just you...I was just....it was so much for me...so new...so different... I was scared... Afraid that...that..."

She's hardly breathing. Zoya was talking as if not being able to communicate was taking her life. She was choking just by the thought of me not listening to her.

"Afraid of what, love?" I cupped her cheek. Her eyes were red with tears, she gulped in her dry throat.

She looked at me...Her palm grabbing my sweatpant near my knee. It was probably when I called her 'love' that she showed a tiny bit of relaxation...but didn't say any further.

Zoya probably doesn't even realise what's wrong and that's why she's so perplexed.

I help her wear my T-shirt before I talk any further.

"Will you answer me, Zoya?" I wait for her nod.
"Are you still not over him?"

"No...I am...." She sits active on her knees and adjusted herself closer to me. Her hands hold me as if she was going to fall.

Whatever just happened, I sure felt sad because of it but there's no way I could see this woman in this state.

Desperation. I've seen it on her face before. She looked at me with hope.

Hope. That I probably would understand what she herself isn't able to.

And I do understand.

"Zoya..." I sighed and held her hands, facing her entirely. "Are you sure you're not subconsciously just replacing what you feel because of Yash with me?... because... Though even the thought of it breaks me into pieces.. I would understand...trust me...I was the one who promised you all the time and space you needed when you thought that I might be a rebound. I rushed into this... didn't I? I rushed into us being together and now...do you feel conflicted? I'm sorry... I'm sorry that I couldn't stick to my word.... I was just trying to give you everything you deserve and in the excitement of it...I forgot....that you were scared for us."

I came clean of the guilt.

Because I heard her right. She was assuring herself that it wasn't Yash, it was me. Zoya probably wasn't sure if she actually wanted me or was I making her want me.

I promised her time. I cannot believe that in the joy of being around her, I forgot that she was healing.

"No...no ....no..." She tightened her grip on my hands.

"Ssshh... I'm not leaving... " I tried to make her feel relaxed.

She must be under so much stress. Worrying about me and her own feelings and facing Yash..and here I am... instead of helping her get through all of this...I lost control and rushed into things.