Rot ━ Mal Oretsev ✓

010: THIS IS ME TRYING

It was rather silly, how easily Thalia seemed to be able to push back all of her feelings in favour of focusing on something else.

A habit she had picked up from her Mama, no doubt. She recalled the days where the older woman would be visibly stressed, but she moved on with her day and she did not let it get in the way of doing the things that needed to be done. Even if Wendeline had felt like breaking down into tears, she had forced a smile onto her face and went on as if nothing was wrong.

Thalia picked up that habit from her, too.

She often wondered if she resembled her mother at all. Back at the farm, there had been no photos of her mother in her youth. When they'd fled their home country they had to leave everything behind, there is no time to be sentimental when you're being invaded. It was seldom that Thalia went a day without looking in the mirror and finding herself searching for any sign of her mother in her

self.

It wasn't that she didn't remember her Mama. The image was blurry, scratched over with a bold marker that bled crimson red. The only clear picture that Thalia really had of her was the one that depicted her being dragged away by Grisha testers, and that was not one that she liked to look at more than necessary.

The image haunted her in her dreams in live action. On the good nights, she saw her mother for only a second before her mind went blank. On the bad, she watched it all play out in slow motion. If she had thought it hurt the first time, she had become numb to it by the time she reached eighteen and was seeing it nearly every night.

Thalia often found herself fantasising about finding her family. Perhaps she would be out in Ketterdam after the Fold was taken down, and she would see the familiar face of her mother in the crowd. What would she say?

I'm sorry I abandoned you. I think I hate myself more than you will ever be capable of hating me. The Little Palace isn't nearly as glamorous as people make it out to be.

Her excuses were worthless. Nothing would repair the hurt she had caused, and staying away from her family would prevent putting them through more.

This is me trying, Thalia promised herself. Even if I cannot fix what I have broken in other people, I can fix myself. I deserve that much.

Oh! If you were wondering, Thalia had her first session with Ludmilla this afternoon. It went. . . great, if she's being honest. It felt nice to finally spill everything that she has been holding back for the past six years without guilt. Ludmilla was being paid to listen to her, after all.

They had booked Thalia in for another session the following week, but for now, she had been given one simple piece of advice.

Learn that you did not know any better. You were only a child when you made that decision. It is not fair to hold present you accountable for the mistakes that past you made. You deserve forgiveness, but you will not believe that anybody has forgiven you until you forgive yourself.

It was a rather volatile response. Thalia had been expecting Ludmilla to call her a terrible person and shove her out of the doorway as soon as she had begun to explain the situation. But Ludmilla was patient, and she was willing to work with Thalia so long as Thalia was willing to work with herself.

You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.

So, Thalia was taking her advice. For example, she (with great difficulty) forgave herself for the Ola incident yesterday. It was not usual behaviour from her, but Thalia had been under a great deal of stress, and it was not fair to blame herself for acting that way in a provoked situation. She would apologise to Ola soon, but for now, she would settle for accepting her own apology.