BLUE PROSES

HOW MANY CARDS LEFT?

How Many Cards Left?

I've been withdrawing specified cards from my pockets since sixth grade. I'm not someone who usually play card games or risk things over uncertain triumph. That's why I have cards for everything. Every single thing. If I felt insulted with the way my professor in class talks to me during his lessons, I draw cards so I can gain extra respect and patience so I wouldn't literally have to do wordplays against him verbally, I have this weird arrogant tendency of verbally answering back which I neglect of doing for professionality purposes, so~there. If I have a friend who keeps on bugging me and not giving me peace, I draw cards to stimulate another time to bear with them in the process. If someone keeps on touching my food, especially when I know that the food I have on the plate is only good for me, I draw cards and tell myself let them feed their numbskull demons. If I met a stranger and he keeps on glaring at me, I draw cards and tell to myself there is nothing wrong. If I was corrected publicly by a trainer and that generated a wholesome embarrassment to the entireness of my system, I draw cards and tell myself I have to learn from this drastically vile method of a trainer letting someone realize his fault by publicly correcting him. I have set of friends who keeps on touching my personal correspondences, personal messages, and pushes me to do things that might generate awkwardness towards someone being romantically linked to me, I draw cards and tell myself I prolly have to talk to these women and say at least "hi" just to let their "pusher" skill work on me. Which prolly doesn't because I have these weird high standards that's obviously not visible to these clouts or pedophile plates. I have these overly exaggerated and inconsiderate professors who almost failed me for not performing academic necessities because I'm sick~ as if I'm faking my own health so I won't be needing to perform, I draw cards cards and told myself it's not my loss. It's not my fault if they do not even try to understand my point of view and that made a permanent record on my card. I have these weird group members who keeps on finding stories so they won't be able to attend to me or even participate once, I draw cards and told myself I have to just let things pass even though it's obviously unfair, at least I'm not into practice of ghosting important calls~ it's them and it will never reflect who I am. I deal nights with overpowered overthinking and all my thoughts were killing me, I draw cards and tell myself I deserve every night and I have to see the next sunset. I've been dealing with financial crosses and I draw cards to tell myself there's money everywhere if you just use your abilities~ fooling is not part of which. Basically I have cards for everything. Cards for extra. Patience, respect, understanding, strength, everything. I've been pulling them and I no longer have idea how many cards have I used in the process. And just like chess, one wrong move, and the game is over.I never doubt when I needed to use one card per situation, or ,unfortunately, for some people. I'm not coward and I wasn't afraid of all linking possibilities, what I'm afraid of is, how many cards I have left?