Learning To Love

chapter 2

My heart was hammering in a panicked rhythm and it felt like it was rattling my ribcage. I could feel all the heat from my body flush to my head but I was sweating everywhere. Shooting up from my bed, I pounded my chest trying to get a good gulp of air. I threw the sheets off me, flapping my loose t-shirt over my chest, fanning myself.

It was another one of these mornings, where my memories haunted me in my sleep. I sat there for a few more minutes, getting my groundings before I dared to even leave my room. I knew I'd slept in and the second I walked through that door I would hear about it.

My mouth was dry and filmy, it was always that way when I woke up after a night of drinking. Though this time I didn't have the ringing headache, I took that as a sign of immunity.

I wiped the sweat and oil off my face and stumbled out of bed feeling hazy. A line from the sun snuck its way through my black curtains and casted on my white walls. Just that little line of light lit the small bedroom, fractures reflecting of the glass of picture frames.

I stood at my door for a moment, taking a deep breath and I could already feel it coming. That feeling I got, that feeling of nothing at all.

As I passed down the hall to the bathroom, I could hear the television blaring the baseball game. He'd be on the couch with a smoke and a beer as always.

I quickly relieved myself and washed my hands, swinging the door open and practically running to my bedroom before he could catch a second with me.

But I failed.

"Hey! Where the fuck do you think your going? Back to bed? Get over here!" I paused midway in the hall and sighed. It felt like my eyes weren't actually seeing, like it was just a big screen that I was watching.

I watched as my body turned around and walked into the living room, and on the screen I could see Robert on the couch in the same clothes he wore yesterday just like me. I hated when we shared the same qualities, or traits. I wanted to be nothing like him.

"Did I not tell you to cut that grass yesterday?" He slouched forward in his seat, his eyes looking at me as though I were his pray. They always looked like that. His voice had that disappointing curve to it that itched me.

I nodded, or thats what it looked like I did. Robert shook his head and stood up from the couch. This was when I could feel the total disconnection. I was floating somewhere far away, like a spirit that was tied to a body it couldn't stay in. I knew what was coming, so I stood still and waited for it.

"So, why don't you go ahead, and tell me, why it isn't fucking done yet!" The beer rotted his breath and as he yelled it reeked in the air. My body stood still but I was floating around the room, looking at things to distract myself with.

"Fucking answer me! I didn't raise you to sit around and go drinking with your friends all day. Get out there, and go do it. Why does it blow your mind apart? Why is it so hard for you to just fucking listen to me?" I watched as Robert shoved my body's shoulder, but I wasn't there to react to it. Luckily it stepped back and caught itself. I tried to push back into myself, I was worried. But no matter what I did I was stuck far away and watching.

I followed my body out through the back door and tried to help it start the lawn mower, but for some reason it wouldn't kick. My body stood there, zoning out and watching it.

"What the fuck are you doing? Fill it!" I heard him yell through the window. For a moment, I worried that the neighbors would hear him and get concerned. If they did, I wanted to tell them that it was fine.

After a few minutes of struggling I sunk back into my body and that same feeling from this morning was happening all over again. I quickly went into the shed and grabbed the fuel for it, and filled its tank up to the measuring line.

After a few times of pulling the cord as fast as I could, it coughed and rumbled to life. I glanced over at the window to see him standing there watching me. Like an animal watching its pray, always watching, and always criticising.

The sun wasn't afraid to shine today, I enjoyed the feeling of its warmth on my skin. I felt like shit. My clothes were dirty and old, soiled from yesterday's campfire and drinking. But the smell of the freshly cut grass was nice, and the birds chirping was a good way to wake up.

After I finished this I would clean up and head to work for 1:00pm. But I would tell him I was going out with my friends again, if he knew I had a job he would start taking money from me. I would need all the money I could get to get out of here, and with him swallowing it, I wouldn't go anywhere.

When I finished the back yard, I walked up the drive and started mowing the front. The only reason I didn't have time to do it yesterday when he asked, was becuase we were busy in the studio and I had work in the morning. By the time we were done it was dark and we decided to chill out. I don't regret it. Even if he pushes me around a little.

It took everything in me not to think about Lucas, but even if it hurt to think about. It was better than thinking about being here, so I let my mind run anyway. I wondered if it really meant anything. If this whole time he felt the same, just like me, or if it was just last night.

If it was just a mistake, would he ever talk to me? I could have to pretend that I didn't mean it either so that he wouldn't know how bad I desperately wanted it. To be with him.

Im constantly alone, constantly fighting with myself and the old man. The only thing I had was my friends, they were the world to me. If this entire friend group broke apart becuase of me, I could never live with myself. Better yet, I didn't want anyone to know, and Lucas made it obvious he didn't.

I hope he would understand when I lied about Jessica, and that he wouldn't be too upset with me. I didn't want to start ruining his relationships. But I guess I already did that by kissing him. Without realizing it and without even thinking, I ruined everything. I was just going to have to watch it all crumble before me.

Watch the building I helped build, fall down all becuase of me. Poor Jessica, I was as much at fault and I would have to apologize to her, to Lucas. In a way, it's better that they didn't start officially dating yet. I mean they were only talking.

But it didn't matter. I was interfering with his life, his feelings and he was angry. Angry enough to shove me with enough hate and force to make sure no one would see us. I knew he hated me and I was madly in love with him.

That's what hurt most.