Learning To Love

chapter 40

The ground was still damp even though the sun shined so heavily that sweat broke down my back. Pushing Ollie down the narrow path as grass and leafy vines brushed him, he seemed grateful to be outside with the fresh air and clear sky. I spotted a little wooden bench and parked the wheelchair next to it. Ollie stood up and sat down next to me, I carefully watched him.

"I could have just walked you know," he sighed, leaning on my left shoulder.

"No, you couldn't. You can't have a comfortable posture because of how tight the skin is right now. Until your stitches are healed, you'll have to be very careful." I reminded him but he didn't seem to pay attention. Instead he watched a white common butterfly flutter around the bush next to him.

He seemed totally engrossed in it, watching it land, only to quickly fly away again. It twirled in the air around him, and gilded towards a flower behind him.

"It's so beautiful out today," he commented and leaned his head back onto me. I kissed his forehead.

"I'm sure the earth did it just for you." He looked up at me with his puffy, coffee brown eyes and smiled. I covered his hand that lay on my thigh with my own and squeezed it.

"You're okay, my love." I whispered.

He breathed that in and closed his eyes. Sun glistened off the sweat on his skin and I noticed freckles sprinkled across his face.

Knowing what I knew now, I had to send Ollie on a journey to healing. We would be in this together, even if it costs us our relationship, I'd rather him be happy and healthy then to chain him to me. I'd do anything at any cost for him. Right now, I had one thing in mind, to cherish these days together and use it in my power to help him.

There was a side to Ollie that was dark, but I didn't know just how dark it could be, and I had to bear myself for the road that we were on. I was ready of course, with open arms and acceptance for all of his deep dark secrets that may unfold and maybe one day, I'd tell him my own.

We sat there for a long time, different people passed by and for a while, I was sure he had fallen asleep, but every now and then he readjusted his smile.

"Can I tell you something too?" He looked up at me with a warm look, and I wrapped my arm around his shoulders.

"I can't understand everything you've been through perfectly but, in a small way, I understand." His brows furrowed.

"When I first started my paramedic training and schooling, I started drinking a lot." I squeezed him a little.

"I wouldn't say I got addicted to it, more so just got carried away. I was so nervous that I just needed something to relax and have a good time. I would drink every night until I got black out drunk and would spend most nights up, puking." His right hand under mine, he stroked my knuckles with his left and the feeling was calming.

"No one really knew, and anyone who noticed just thought I was a party person who liked to have a good time. They couldn't recognize that I wasn't doing too well. I don't blame anyone of course, but I still wish there was someone there." He nodded understandingly.

"I've had some pretty dark moments too, Ollie," my face started to go red and I looked away from his gaze.

"From a young age I was exposed to pornography. So then an addiction grew, especially as I got older." I whispered and looked down into my lap.

"That's a secret I've never told anyone, never really thought about, never even confessed to myself. Until, right, now. With you." I looked at him with shame but he smiled and brought my hand to his lips and kissed it softly.

"I'm really proud of you for telling me that vulnerable information, Lucas." He pressed my hand to his cheek and the warmth of his skin was pleasant.

"I'm really ashamed of myself sometimes." I admitted. This realisation hurt me deep inside and sometimes I couldn't stand to look at myself.

"It's okay Lucas, I'll help you." His voice had so much confidence in it, I couldn't help but believe him.

I felt disgusted in myself for even saying it out loud. I had to try so hard to stop myself from crying.

"Do you want to get anything else off your chest, or maybe go somewhere more private?" He offered and in this moment, his voice felt like an angel singing to me. It occurred to me that I really could find someone I love and trust, but all I could think about was how this is going to suck when it ends.

Because all good things come to an end.

Maybe my mind is just going to a dark place...

I sat there and stared at him, trying my best to tell my brain to remember this moment forever. Whether forever meant tomorrow, or fifty years from now.

"Your nose is starting to go pink, it's a good idea to go inside and get you something to eat." He simply nodded.

In ollie's room, nurses had changed his bedsheets to fresh ones and left a few extra rolls of toilet paper and water bottles on the dresser beside the television. He dipped his bread into the tomato soup and mixed it around. We sat at the table by the window, and the sun was beginning to fade behind the clouds.

"It's hard saying it out loud." I confessed randomly. "But having someone like you to admit it to, makes it a lot easier." He let go of his spoon and brushed the skin on my forearm briefly.

"I would get really disgusted in myself, so disappointed and ashamed. I've known I had an issue but I just lied to myself to make it easier. Nevermind dealing with my internalised homophobia, I'd be obsessed with convincing myself I was straight. Especially after we kissed for the first time." I swallowed hard before continuing.

"I forced myself to watch straight porn all night, convincing myself I liked it more. Mentally destroying myself. With all these new mixed emotions and curiosity and thoughts, it made me hate myself and hate you." I admitted with grief.

I looked up to see what his reaction was, and instead of being hurt or angry, he just looked at me with his usual casual smile.

"I can't imagine how much you were going through, and I'm sorry you were going through that alone." His acceptance felt like a hug and my chest felt tight.

"Ollie, that first time we messed around. I was mentally at war with myself. I couldn't believe what I'd done. I hated myself for it. But I swear to god Ollie, I don't regret one second of it."

His eyes were wide as I got up from the table and stood in front of him. He turned from the table to me.

"Ollie, I'm terrified of what we'll face together in this relationship, but I won't back down no matter how hard it'll get. I just need you to be patient with me." I took his hands in mine and placed them on my stomach.

A single tear fell from his eye and he only nodded. I slowly bent down and kissed his lips as softly as he does mine, and instead he kissed me harder.

"I hear you," he whispered into my mouth.

There's something so honest about loving someone, something so whole.