Learning To Love

chapter 20

I stuffed Lucas's money in my pocket and paid the check. Taking in a deep breath, I rushed out of the restaurant and to my car. My heart was like a heavy rock, stuck to bottom of my stomach.

It felt like I just got him back, and I was losing him all over again. Oh Lucas, if only you could accept yourself. If only you were as I willing as I am to accept us. But he wasn't ready, and that was something I would have to deal with and understand. Poor Lucas is confused and scared, so what does he do? He pushes everyone away. I could see right through him. What he just did, probably hurt him way more than me.

I understand you Lucas, and I forgive you. If only I could find you...

I drove around aimlessly, looking down every street until I went down a narrow one way and spotted a figure in black, marching on the sidewalk. I could tell by the shoulders that it was Lucas, when he was on edge he always walked with his shoulders slanted, the left one slightly down and the right up more up.

I rolled down my window, hot air wafting into my car.

"Lucas, get in the car." I let the car slowly roll to his speed. He said nothing but walked faster.

"Lucas, come on. Your not walking home okay, just get in. It's fine." I honked the horn a few times until finally, irritated enough, he turned around, still walking.

"I'm not getting in the car, okay!" He yelled and walked even faster.

"No? Well we will have to see about that." I whispered to myself. Putting on my hazards, I pulled to the curb and parked the car.

The slam of my car door, made him turn around with a confused look on his face.

"What are you doing?" He asked, walking cautiously now.

I smiled an evil and merciless smile. Three more steps closer and I started a whole sprint, triggering Lucas to lock into action and start running.

Unlucky for him, I was much faster and caught up to him in mere seconds. When I did, I wrapped my arms around him and lifted him with all my strength. Let me tell ya, trying to pick up an angry and aggressive Lucas is not easy!

"What are you doing! Let go of me!" He yelled as I started to drag him back to the car. He struggled and pried my hands open, trying to run again, but I caught his shirt and tackled him in a swift movement, catching him before he could fall. For a brief moment his eyes met mine and I could see a small smirk on his face.

"I'm not letting you win!" He yelled before trying yet again to get away. But my grip on him was too tight, dragging him to my car, he wiggled and squirmed. I managed to open the passenger door and threw him in. Panting out of breath, sweat dripping down my forehead, I put my hands on my hips.

"You are getting a drive home if you like it or not! And your gonna stop being mean to me and pushing me away!" I took in a deep breath, closing his door and walking to the drivers side. When I got in, Lucas had his hands covering his face, breathing deeply.

"Are you okay?" I suddenly felt a pinch of guilt and thought, maybe it would've been better if I had just let him walk away.

"I don't want to be mean to you Ollie. But I can't do it. I can't do this. I tried and I just can't!" My heart shattered in my chest. Definitely should have just let him walk away.

He finally looked up and I saw the grief in his eyes.

"I understand. Look, its whatever you want. If you don't ever want to see me again, I get it. But please don't hate and blame yourself for something that's my fault!" I had to hold my tears back, so I bit my lip to keep it from trembling.

He sat there, looking at me. I couldn't have a single clue what was going on through his mind, but I knew whatever it was, it would probably hurt me.

I'd rather have him hurt me than to have nothing. Break my heart Lucas, if it's going to be the last thing you do. Break it.

"I don't want to end this..." He whispered in a delicate and soft voice. I wasn't sure I heard him right.

"There's something, something about us that I want so bad, but my brain keeps telling me it's wrong. Everytime I look at you, I love it but it's wrong. I've never wanted something so bad, and I can't have it!" He ran his hands through his hair, wiping sweat off of him.

"Lucas, there is nothing wrong with us. There is nothing wrong about the way you feel. It may take you a long time to understand, and that's okay. Just let me know how I can help you. Trust me, there's no one more terrified about it than me, but for you, I would do anything, no matter how scary it is." I put my hand on his knee and his sparkling stormy eyes met mine. Tears pooling a glossy finish over green crystals.

"Why?" His eyes were wide, as though he had just seen a ghost. The car fell eerily silent. So quite, a soft ringing started in my ears. My ragged breath was the only thing breaking the silence.

"B-because I love you."