Learning To Love

chapter 12

I had the money tucked in an envelope with his name written on it. There was $300 in it, to make sure there wouldn't be any trouble. In case he decided that it was going to be even more, or that it was 'late'.

$200 a month isn't bad for rent but, I didn't want to pay rent for a place I didn't want to live in. I didn't make enough at the cafe to live on my own, I needed at least another person to split the rent and bills with.

I was shit out of luck.

I sighed, getting out of the car with my bag and walking towards the front door. His car was still there which made my gut rott a little.

As soon as I walked up to the front door he was opening it, I felt reluctant to step in. I wanted to just drop the envelope on the ground and scat. Run back to my car and drive away.

There's your goddamn money, just leave me alone.

But it was more than that. I had to shower and do laundry. Nothing was clean, including my uniform. I had a few days off and it would be the weekend, I needed clean clothes to hang out with the group and get ready for work on Monday.

Besides, where would I go?

A thought floated in my mind and I quickly shook it away. I would never go there again. The great bridge with the valley and creek underneath. I would go there, wait until it got dark and would shoot up. Then I would drive home with a light buzz and get smacked around a bit. It was the price I paid for being a piece of shit. It didn't matter though, I barely felt it.

Well, I could still go there.

But it wouldn't be to get high. I would just hang around there to be alone, get away for a while. But then there were the dealers. I knew I would have to face temptation. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't allow myself to be put in that situation. I was stuck, I'd have to face this.

I walked through the door and the second it was closed Robert shoved me with incredible force. I shoved the envelope at him, keeping a distance. He opened it with a gritty look on his face. Counting the money, he nodded and put it back into the envelope.

Stepping over to me in long, wide strides, he grabbed my shirt. Leaning down to me, he said in a raspy voice "don't you ever fucking push me again. You hear me?" He pulled me closer, lifting my shirt off my skin, shaking me.

"Don't you ever fucking fight me!" He pushed me again, though this time hard enough to make me fall over. I stumbled onto the ground trying to catch myself. Disassociating, floating far away. Too far to think or react. Right now, the place under the bridge sounded comforting.

"Listen to me you little prick. You think your a tough guy? You think your the shit? I will prove you wrong so fast, you won't know what hit you. You good for nothing, drug addict, piece of shit. Pick yourself off the fucking floor and piss off."

He stood over me, tall and menacing. His breathing drunk and ragged. I quickly got off the floor, scattering away to my room.

I hated it here! I hated it. I wanted to get away. Just someone please take me away.

Once I was in my room, I slammed the door behind me. Falling against it, sliding down to the floor.

I just want one good day, one good one.

I buried my face in my hands. I can't leave, I can't leave now. But I want to so bad. I don't want this life anymore. Every day is agony.

I took a couple of deep and heavy breaths. I needed to focus on myself. Who cares if he pushes me around, if I have to pay rent. I just got to focus on myself, figure this whole thing with Lucas out and think about making music.

Getting off the floor I took the clothes from my work bag and threw it with the rest of the laundry. Taking it with me downstairs, I Threw it in the washer with some soap and switched it on. I would wait until my laundry was finished, then I would shower. In the time being, I would draw or write.

At least I had some time to do the things I enjoyed, even if I felt anxious and was worried that at any moment I would get picked on again.

It didn't matter.

I set up my desk, aligning my pencils and paper. I wanted to draw him again, but I couldn't. Robert might see and he would put two and two together.

I couldn't have him figure out I liked him, or men. I was able to hide it for this long. It wasn't until three days ago that I slipped up and kissed the boy I'd been in love with for years.

Even though I knew I shouldn't have, I started drawing him anyway. I would tear it up and throw it out right away, or at any second I heard him walking down the hall. I wouldn't fall asleep with it open on my desk.

Art was my love language, anything you want I'd give you just to show you how beautiful you are to me. A portrait covered in diamonds if it had to be.

I drew his sharp jaw line connected to his raised cheekbones. His strong and hard eyes that showed years and years of fury and anger below his bushy, dark, straight eyebrows. His lips that would pout out sometimes if he wasn't biting them. He had a very straight nose, unlike mine. Mine was a little crooked from Robert breaking it.

Filling in the hair, I carefully shaded his undercut and had the long straight strands falling over it. I outlined everything darker and started to deepen my shading. Taking my eraser and emphasizing the highlights.

Everything about him was perfect. I could draw a million portraits of him, a model I would never get bored of.

My heart started to race in my chest. I didn't know what we were, where we were. All I knew is that he kissed me, he felt something. He wasn't the only one hiding it this whole time. I just didn't understand why Lucas was in denial. He clearly liked men, or at least both. He liked me enough to kiss me.

He's confused. Just like I was when I met him. The second I met him, my world really stated to change.

I never felt much for woman, even though I tried to. For a while, I thought I was aromatic. I felt bad for not loving them, thinking that I was so broken, I was incapable of loving anyone.

But that wasn't the case, thankfully. Even if my love was wrong, even if people hated it.

I'd rather love someone and suffer in pain and torture, then to not be able to love at all.