Worth the Risk (a Matthew Gray Gubler fanfic)

Chapter Thirty Six

**TW: depression and suicidal thoughts**

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What do I say? What do I do?

Matthew's parents are dead. I didn't know that. If I did, then I would've never complained about how terrible my family is. He doesn't have anyone. No one to turn to in times of need. No one to talk to about his day or how he is feeling.

He has no one. That makes me want to cry.

I reach for his hand to comfort him, he doesn't see my hand so he gets out of the car. I do the same and meet him on the other side. Matthew walks to the entrance of the cemetery, I follow close behind. No words are spoken between the two of us. The leaves have already started to fall, crackling beneath our feet with each step. He abruptly stops, his parents graves right in front of him.

"My parents died about three years ago, right after I moved to California. They were on their way to see me when they were hit head on by a drunk driver. My dad died instantly, he was driving. Mom, she was in a coma for a month, before we gave up. That was the last time I saw my sister, also. It was like losing my entire family in that moment. The worst part of it is... I was the reason they were killed. I had a problem with depression and I called them upset. They were so worried about me that they literally dropped everything and drove to California. Some of my last words to my mother were, 'I hate this life. I don't want to live anymore.' Any normal human would've moved back home, closer to them. But not me. I moved far away, thinking that the reason I was so depressed was because I was still living in Nevada. I hate myself for being that person. The person that threatened to kill themselves to get what I want. If only I-"

His voice falters, a tear falls from his face onto the grass below him. He sniffles, "If only I could tell them that I love them one more time. That their love meant more to me than anything in the world. They died thinking that I was about to die. I can't forgive myself for that."

Matthew falls to his knees in front of the headstones that read his last name. His face falls into his hands. Weeping in front of me is a man that I didn't think I would ever see cry, he's always seemed so strong. This is the man that I have come to with all of my problems and issues, never thinking once about his. He hates himself for what he thinks he did. But I hate me because I never considered his emotions. I never even asked. That's what hurts me the most is seeing the man that I love in pain... when I didn't even realize he was hurting.

My first instinct is to hold him, but I refrain. He needs to let it out on his own for a moment. But to let him know that I'm still here, I lay my hand on his back. I feel his body shake beneath my fingers. He sniffles and I move my hand to his head, gently running my fingers through his hair. My soft touch gets his attention. He takes his hand away from his face and places it on mine. I take that as my signal to sit down with him. Matthew positions himself sitting on the grass and I sink to my knees beside him. The only thing he needs right now is a loving embrace, so I give that to him. I wrap my arms around him, cradling him as if he were a child. Tears still falling from his face and his body lightly shaking. He pulls me onto his lap and I position myself on his right leg. My arms wrap around his neck, he pulls me in by my waist. His face buries into my shoulder as he starts to cry again. I kiss the top of his head which makes him cry even more. My hands run up and down his back in an attempt to calm him, it doesn't help much.

I whisper to him, just like he does when I have my nightmares, "Shh. It's okay. I'm here."

A few minutes go by and his tears slow down. Matthew lifts his head up from my chest, where he has laid crying for the last couple of minutes. He looks up at me and I grab his face in my hands. I don't say anything, I only wipe the tears from his face. His eyes close as I softly touch his skin. Before I even realize it, I kiss him. His lips accepting mine as a form of comfort. When I pull away, his eyes are still glossy from his tears.