A Two Year Desire

Chapter Ten

Today it kicked I felt horrible. Yesterday I was laughing until tears fell and even ate a whole burger without feeling guilty. But today I feel like shit. Pure utter shit. I was making myself throw up in the bathroom when I hear two pairs of footsteps in my bedroom.

"Adelina you in here? Nico called saying you were throwing up but he couldn't stay so he called us" Grace says I had trouble hearing her muffled voice through the door but I still managed to understand.

"In here" I yell flushing the toilet and pressing my back towards the shower glass door. "I brought Alex with me if that's okay" she says softly sitting down next to me while alex enters

"Hey lin what you up to" I crack into a smile as she sits on the other side of me.

"Is it going again?" grace whispers I nod "what's going exactly?" Alex asks

"Sometimes I have trouble with stuff especially food and I have these episodes that just absolutely suck ass" I dryly laugh. It's not funny at all actually but it's a way I cope. Laughing is my coping mechanism I laugh at how pathetic and stupid I am. I shouldn't be having a problem with something so easy to do. It's just food and I shouldn't be having any sort of mental breakdown because of it. Yet here I am being pathetic and sitting on my bathroom floor throwing up most of my stomach because something a human is built to do can't do it. I am that pathetic human. I don't understand why I just can't bring some type of food to my mouth without wanting to barf it out.

" How can we help you? Is there anything we can do exactly?" Alex asks. I want to tell her yes. I want to say that just them being here is help enough but that would be lying. I hate lies and I don't want to be a bother for them they came all this way just to see how im doing. I hate myself. I hate how Im making them worry. I hate how if I was okay this wouldn't be happening. It's just food I don't get why im worrying but yet I can't bring myself to do it. It's the simplest thing a human is capable to do and still I can't.

"no, Im fine" I give them a small smile for reassurance I hope they take the hint that I want to crawl into bed and not do anything this weekend. "I just need to be alone" Thankfully they give me a hesitant nod before each of them give me a hug and head out.

"Call us if anything" I nod before falling into my mattress.

Im losing myself in the fight, Im destroying myself little by little and soon there will be nothing left to destroy and I'll destroy the only thing I have left, Myself. Im ready to lose the war. But I can't leave yet that would break Nico's heart he's the only thing keeping me alive right now. Without him I wouldn't have anything left to live for. He's my other half I would hate for him to go through so much pain again.

I don't understand how you can smile all day long but cry yourself to sleep at night. How pictures never change but the people in them do. How your best friend can become your worst enemy, or how strange it is when your enemy turns into your bestfriend.. How forever turns into a few short months that you'd do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once said you couldn't live without. How even though you know something is best for you, it hurts just the same. How people who once wanted to spend every second of their time with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare. How people make promises despite how common it is for promises to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives just because it's easier than working things out.

I feel like im in one big black hole, after it pulled me in I can't seem to get out. So, I spend countless nights crying myself to sleep and spend days in my room. I feel like doing absolutely nothing and hoping things would get better, but also wondering if things will ever actually get better. And the worst part? When I finally start to get happy again, it pulls me back in. I crash harder than before. I can feel it again the dead weight of my legs from the sleeping pills, the dizziness from the alcohol, the soft throbbing of my pulse as blood is pumped out of my wrist. That's it.

That's what i've been waiting for. That's the quiet comfort. The beauty of dying.

It's sad really, that the only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I don't want to hurt anyone but the reason I want to kill myself is because everyone is hurting me.

"Dad If your hearing this I wont do it" I whisper under my covers

I fell into a slumber of my own pettiness and sadness. I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep, and that's very sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare. Life.

People might think my life is perfect they love to think that im a spoiled rich girl who doesn't care for no one but herself and honestly it's true I stopped giving any type of care for anyone. I got tired of people walking over me and my title so I made a name for myself they used to know me as Adelina Arisson the daughter of Cristine and Adele Arrison. Sister to Nicholas Arrison but now im my own person I didn't want to be known as anything other than my own name.

It hurts. A lot. Not physically but mentally the fact that I'm a nobody just a daughter of my famous parents and my fantastic brother. Over the years I did manage to make something out of myself people know who I am what I represent but yet I don't know who I am or what I want to be my mom is a successful business woman with tons of money that she herself makes every minute while my dad the multi billionaire and retired actor/model how I suppose it compete with that.

Not that I should because their my parents but in my eyes their my competition they are what I have to get bigger than I have to make them proud I was always the problem child or just the spoiled daughter like Mathias calls me but I want to be more than that. I want more maybe I don't deserve it but I really want it I crave it. Without me being successful I don't think I can live. I need to be it.