A Two Year Desire

Chapter Fifty One

Adelina

Im tired and Im numb. Too much has happened today. I feel as If Id been out in a pounding rain for forty eight hours without an umbrella or a coat. Im soaked to the skin with emotion. My brain filled with thoughts that are too fast for me to understand. The words I want to get out are at the tip of my tongue but its like it lost all talk. I wanna feel the emotions clung onto me but if I start I might never want to feel again. And maybe that's the right thing to do.

I don't know what it was that made me love him or what it was that made him hate me the way he does I remember what he had said and compare it to what he did and it never made sense. He was there and he wasn't. He had my heart and I had his, He said it was love so I chose to stay. Maybe it was too much. Maybe it wasn't enough. But I will never forget the way he made me feel like I was everything and I will never forget the way he made me feel like I was nothing.

I wanted to sleep. I climbed into my bed but instead of going under the Blanket I couldn't bring myself to sleep in the same bed he was once in before but as much as I needed him away I needed his scent close. Sleep is a drug even the most sensible teenager can grow addicted to. The moment you close your eyes the living nightmares, the anxiety, The stress, The problems are gone. Feelings you so hopefully didn't want you no longer have to feel. But you can abuse it so much you use it as an escape so you become tired all the time not because of the lack of sleep. You're just so used to being numb and blank.

I've been living my grief; sleep mourning and eat sorrow and drink tears. I ignore all else.

"Im broken" I murmur to myself as I bring his old T-shirt I used to sleep in when he came over close to my nose, I smell his scent and my eyes began to become waterfalls and I try and fall asleep into a slumber of pain hoping that once I wake up I and I am all are gone from this world.

Third person

She thought was never fully loved, she was adored and hated but no one ever has ever actually fallen in love with her.

What a shame

That girl who once had believed in magic and fairy tales had to be stuck by reality with demons in her mind and the fear of never being loved.

There was a safety in numbness a strange comfort in abandoning all hope of being deeply loved and intimately known. Without dreams. she couldn't wake to disappointment. She didn't care about herself anymore but she cared about others. She would go out of her way to save someone, even though she knew she could not save herself. That was the only humanity she had left herself other than that all she felt was numb.

As she slept she always forgot she left herself wonder how long she had, if she could end it would she? People would be there they would try and make it seem she was everything she knew they would it's what they always did. Her brother would have no one and as much as her mother might not be present she would not be the same. Adelina knew her mother loved her as much as it was hard for her to show it she did but Adelina lost all trust with love for her it didn't exist it was just a word people try and use to make the other vulnerable.

She had always wondered why they call it love? She knows it's a feeling she knows what it is.

Pain is the price of love. We agree to pay it whenever we open our hearts. Every hello comes with the knowledge that one day there will be a goodbye. Every first kiss comes with the certainty that there will be one day be a last. And yet even though we knew all love ends in sorrow; even though we know that price we pay it. We pay it again and again. We pay it because it makes life worth living. We pay it because love, love is always worth it.