A Two Year Desire

Chapter Sixty Two

I won't glorify or romanticize heartbreak, for me it was kind of death and I was forced to keep on living.

There is a particular kind of suffering to be experienced when you love something greater than yourself. A tender sacrifice.

Like the painted silence felt in the lost song of a mermaid, or the bent and broken feet of a dancing ballerina. It is in every considered step I am taking in the opposite direction of him. 

Dear Mathias,

We could be in a room full of people and my eyes would always go to you, just to find yours that had been already looking. It's like we had our own language, without having to speak a single word. No one else In the room could possibly understand the way we felt about each other probably because we couldn't understand it ourselves. All I know is that when you walked into the room it was like all my worries and fears went away because you were there. You were all I needed, at the time. 'What do you do when a person you love doesn't love you back?' Was my question well I now have an answer, years later. You keep loving them because love is like a disease you don't get to decide to stop . You don't get to make that choice. It crushes you. You think everything is great, and you're happy, then everything ripped out from underneath. It hurts like hell but you never really get it until you actually experience it, until you go through it. I will admit Mathias you broke me like a glass bottle that had been dropped on the floor a couple of times before  but it still managed to survive until someone like you came again and again until each and every piece of me was broken.

We had memories many of them and I'm grateful for them how could I not you were basically a part of me the moment we met and as much as I hated you when we were young I knew that in the future things would be different I fantasied about it. You loved my dog you loved my brother you loved my home taking as you never left but yet was it so hard to love me? Was I so unlovable that I wasn't worth your love? That's the real question. Questions that used to kill me to sleep sometimes I didn't sleep I had to drug myself because sleeping was the only way you weren't in my head. That or dancing for hours until I had blisters aching at each of my feet. It hurt. Not the blisters but the heartache. 
As much as I want to blame it all on you I can't bring myself to. You just did what was normal to you it was nature to you at that point I just kept going back like a lost puppy.

Thank you for the butterflies I would get when you touched me or even talked to me. The jittery feels I would get the first few times we spent days together, I spent all those nights falling in love with the ideas of being with you that I completely forgot who I was before you. I don't regret meeting you or being with you because you gave me so much with so little. Sometimes you made me feel like I actually had a chance with you but when I tried to take that chance you made me realize I never really did. I used to think I couldn't go a day without your smile. Without telling you things and hearing your voice back.  Then that day arrived and it was so hard but the next one after was harder. I knew with a sunken feeling it was going to get worse I eventually understood after each day I wasn't going to be okay for a very long time after. Loosing someone isn't an occasion or an event it doesn't happen just once. It happens over and over again. I lose you every time I pick up you're favorite drink; whenever that one song plays on my playslist every once in a while, I also had to do a dance recital to it. It Sucked. I lose you each time I think of kissing you again, holding you, wanting you. I go to bed and lose you each time when I wish I could tell you about my day, and in the morning when I wake up and reach for the empty sheets next to me I lose you all over again.

But this is my letter to you finally losing you forever and this time I'm more than happy to actually do it they're is no more hurt that you caused. I'm finally done. 

-the one who loved you dearly.

I took a deep breath before rereading it and throwing it in the fire along with some of his stuff I had with me.

My mind took me back to the moments we had together the nights we would stay up for hours until the sun set and we didn't even know most of the times we talked about the most random things other times we were baked ass hell laughing for hours. He wasn't just another boy I fell in love with out of female urge but because he wasn't just someone he was my someone he was by best friend way before he was my person.

He was much more to me than I was to him and I was okay with that. I always put his happiness before mine;always but not this time.

This time I'm taking over.

Levi and I settled to meet for coffee the night he left my apartment, well we didn't he just told me on a piece of paper after making me go to sleep.

"You showed up?" Levi shuts his laptop off once I approach him through the booth he's sitting on. "Why wouldn't I? I basically owe you" he give me a look of confusion.

"Good morning may I get you both anything?" The waiter interrupts him before he can speak "I'll just take a ice coffee no sugar what about you my treat" Levi grins before asking for one too but with sugar. He waits for the waiter to leave before going on "You don't owe me anything Dina"

"I do though you got into a fight for me as stupid as it was you finally made me realize what shitty decisions I've made before"

"And just recently" he minds me with a shrug

"Besides the point" he laughs "Even though we don't know each other I just want to say thank you for everything of two nights ago" our coffees finally arrive and all we do it talk for hours non stop, I think back to tony and how even though I'm not hurting because of him even though I'm very sure I did love him was because he didn't do anything wrong he thought me more things than I could ever explain.

People in you're whole life you will have three loves in your life. Most often our first love is when we're young, high school even. It's the idealistic love, the one that seems like fairy tails and all read as children it's the love that looks right. Mathias knight.

The second is supposed to to be our hard love the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved.

Sometimes it's unhealthy, unbalanced, or narcissistic even it's the love we wished was right. Tony Garcia.

And the third love is the love we never see coming. The  one that usually comes dressed as all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is really supposed to be. It's the love that just feels right.