Easing Heimweh (Heim, #1) ✓

12: Distract Me

Aelius stayed by my side.

I'd finished checking in Myriad and fixing the mess that was my face, and he was here, watching and waiting for me to finish whatever I had to do so he could hold my hand again.

I gave it a tight squeeze as we entered the elevator and I was the only one shivering. Aelius pulled me closer, squeezing my hand back and eyeing me through the reflective walls. "It's okay," I caught him mouthing at me.

"Make yourself warm," he said upon entering the suite. "I'll prepare your bath."

I only nodded, stiffly sitting on the sofa as Aelius went inside the bathroom carrying a towel and a robe. The living area was engulfed in silence. I entertained myself with the scenery outside flaunted by the floor to ceiling windows. The sky was still gray, though no heavy clouds were littered above.

I didn't know how much time had passed when Aelius came back. I was still out of it, still switching between reality and whatnot. Perhaps I didn't respond to his calls, so I was carried to the bathroom instead. I held on to Aelius's nape and buried my face in his chest on the way there. He carefully put me down the bathtub, water seeping through my clothes in no time. I sighed in relief and buried myself in the warmth.

"Do you want to take off your clothes?" he asked.

I nodded.

"I'll be waiting outside, then." He turned around and walked away, but I was quick enough to grab the sleeve of his sweatshirt.

"Stay with me," I whispered, clutching it tighter. "Please."

"Okay." He sat back down. "I'll stay."

No one uttered another word as I took off my clothes. Deep down I knew I should feel embarrassed by letting Aelius see me naked, weak, vulnerable. I knew I should be pushing him away instead of insisting that he stayed here, but none of us seemed to mind. Aelius took my wet garments and hung them in the shower to dry, then returned to his spot and held my hand as I sunk back in the tub.

A full hour had passed before the water had lost its warmth. I woke up from the short nap I took and found Aelius still keeping watch, his hand still underneath the water, still holding me.

"I-I'm hungry," I shyly said.

He chuckled, reaching my face to push the strands of hair that blocked my eyes. "I'll make dinner for us."

"Can you...help me up?"

Aelius nodded, already lifting me by the arms before I even registered that he was to carry me bridal style again.

I held onto his shoulders for support, noticing too late that his sleeves drenched from the water. My eyes widened at the sight.

"Y-Your clothes..." I stammered, touching the wet sleeves.

"It's okay. I don't mind." He lifted me up like I was lighter than a feather, eyes finding mine with that familiar twinkle I missed seeing.

"Onesto?"

Aelius rested his forehead on mine and let out a sigh. My heart raced too fast, I was afraid he'd hear it. "Sì, mio caro," he said as he pulled away.

I fought the smile that threatened to play on my lips upon hearing the endearment he so easily uttered. Mio caro. Mio caro. Mio caro. The words went on like a broken record in my head until I was brought back to reality when Aelius put me down on the couch.

I watched his back as he worked around the kitchen, chopping up vegetables on the counter and stirring the soup that boiled on the stove. He would occasionally turn to spare me a glance, sometimes shorter than a second, sometimes more, and he would return the smile I wore. I basked in the comfort of our silence.

The food was good. No, it was great. And I knew I should be enjoying it, as it was the first time I'd tried something Aelius cooked. I was barely two spoons in when I was forced to stop, the air in the room suddenly too damned to breathe in.

I didn't figure it out right away; it happened too fast. But I knew this feeling well. I often compared it to a misstep on a flight of stairs, the fast heartbeat that followed in a second, the worry and fear blending together in an unpleasant hue, all happening in a fit of an unwanted panic attack and occupying my time in what would seem like the longest ten minutes that ever existed.

"Alon?" I heard Aelius say, but I couldn't respond. My eyes wandered off, searching for objects around the suite to count. Five things I could see. Four things I could touch. Three things I could hear—

"Alon," he called again. "Darling, look at me."

Three things I could hear. The sound of rain that came from the other side of the window behind me. The soft whirr of the air conditioner. His voice.

His voice.

"V," I called. "I'm—I don't know why it's h-happening now..."

"Alon, breathe. You're having a panic attack," he concluded, fixing the mess that was my cluster of thoughts.

"I'm sorry. I can't take control when it happens." I picked on my nails underneath the table and began to cry. "I'm sorry. I'm s-so sorry."

"Breathe," was the only thing he said, like he was ignoring my pleas of apology on purpose. He left his seat and went to me, caressing my face and wiping my tears. "Come on, breathe with me."

And so I did. We stayed there and breathed together, and the dish ran cold, but neither of us cared about it. Aelius kept wiping the new tears that formed and fell to my cheeks, and I sought comfort in his undivided attention.

He spoke again after I'd calmed down. "Do you need a drink? Shall I get you a glass of water?"

I shook my head.

"No?"

"No," I replied. "I don't need that..."

"What do you need?"

Distance, I remembered my brother saying.

I stared at our hands tightly clasped together. "A distraction."

Then I did it—my temporary distraction.

I did it without thinking. A stupid, ludicrous lapse of judgment that all elements of reason within me rejected, yet I did it anyway. I let go of Aelius' hands and reached for his nape, sucking in my breath as I crossed the boundary of distance between us and kissed him. It was short, chaste, and stained with a thousand words in red.

"Distract me," I whispered against his lips. His hands were on my waist, subtly pulling me closer.

He rested his forehead on mine again. My heart raced again. "Then..."

I hummed. "Then?"

"Let's go to Italy."