I Don't Need a Metaphor - COMPLETED

nine

"She's going to ruin me."

After leaving my ex back in October, I told myself that I was not going to be getting back into a relationship for a long time. It's currently May. I've had my fair share of hookups and flings since then. I had and have no problem with solely having one night stands with people I'll never talk to again. The goal for me was to put myself first for the first time in three years. I decided I was going to "live my best life," so to speak. I've been learning so much about myself. I've been making progress in my life goals. I've been building so many personal and professional relationships that I expect to be beneficial in the long run.

I envisioned being single and not ending up with a significant other until I got to a comfortable place in my life where I could take a break from working. I had planned to get out of the restaurant industry and to begin a career with the government. I planned to move out of my shit hole small town. I was going to leave all the trouble behind me and start fresh in a new town. So far, nothing has gone to plan. Maybe I'm just impatient. The only thing I have been able to actually fulfill is being single and working on myself.

Except, I met this guy. We're coworkers. We're both in the same unit together. When I first met him, I had an unidentifiable feeling about him. That was my intuition seeing this situation coming before either of us ever could.

We started getting close after a week long course we had together with some of our other coworkers. That was back in mid-March. Since then, we've been talking everyday. We started flirting as a joke. Eventually, it wasn't a joke anymore. K noticed us talking all the time and tried to warn me that he was feeling something I was not aware of. I wouldn't be surprised if K knew I was feeling the same way about him before I ever accepted it.

K and I went to this bar my coworkers and I tend to go to when we all hangout for the night. We brought Cameron. They met him and a few other guys from the unit. The night ended up in a lot of feelings being revealed. Since then, I've been doing a lot of thinking about this.

I'm terrified. I'm scared shitless. Nothing is going to plan. What am I supposed to do? What is normal in this situation? I'm trying to understand how to be an adult. I didn't think life was going to throw this man in my way in the process.

I so badly want to accept this. It feels like this may be good for me. My intuition is screaming at me to go with my gut and to trust this. At the same time, my fears of commitment, abandonment, and real intimacy are all talking me off the ledge to stay back in my comfort zone. My triad of downfalls won't even let me peek over the edge to see if he would be at the bottom to catch me.

"We can't take that chance. You don't even know if you really can trust him."

"You're going to end up attached while he realizes you aren't worth his time."

"We've been through this before. You're just going to end up feeling stuck and suffocated again."

The thought of having to be completely transparent with him about who I am as a person brings me insurmountable anxiety. I confessed to him my fear, as a forewarning. I told him I will let go of my inhibitions for him. I am going to work on this flaw for him. In exchange, he confessed he has insecurities and a fear of intimacy. He said he doesn't want to ever put me through what he's put others through in the past. I told him I'm patient, and I'll work with him. 

"...but patience doesn't always help..."

It goes a long way, and, for him, I'll make sure to have enough.

I'm trying incredibly hard to be open about who I am as a person to him. It's taking a lot from me to force myself to push open the door and let him see my flaws and insecurities, but I'm trying. I'm slowly testing the limits. I'm dipping my toes in the water before going in with the kicker.

When I drop the ball, I can't help but expect the worst. He's going to change his view on me, and I don't think I can take another round of that again. Sometimes, I find myself seriously contemplating leaving him be and letting him move on with his life without me to fuck it all up. Then, I realize he and I are trying to give each other the same opportunity right now.

If I were to let go of him and leave him stranded, that would ve far from fair to him. He did nothing wrong.

"This one time, say, 'fuck it' and jump off that ledge. You can't walk around partially committed only when it suits you. This is an opportunity that is about more than just you. This is a chance that could not only benefit you put others. So, pull your head out of the clouds and start thinking realistically."

I had said those words before about being hesitant on making a choice that needed to be made. You can't live life on half full commitments, so fill that bitch up and grow up. Nothing is ever only about you. Stop using just your heart. Start using your heart and mind.

I want this to happen. I would like for us to happen. There's only one way to find out if it will, and that's just going for it. That's just jumping off the ledge. Open your eyes and kick off the edge. Whatever happens happens. It just might be worth the anxiety.