I Don't Need a Metaphor - COMPLETED

five

"If it's not true, I'm going to be sad, so I'm not gonna tell you and just hold onto this for a while."

K and I went to His party a bit ago. We had fun. We drank and joked around, even played beer pong -which I'm not the best at. I fell in love with His sweet dog, Dallas. I drunk texted my boyfriend and sent him goofy pictures on Snapchat. Apparently, I also confessed to His best friend that I was in love with Him for five years.

Sometimes, I wonder why I forgave Him. Sometimes, I wonder why I went as far as actually becoming friends with Him again. But then, I remember that He had no obligation to love me back. He had no obligation to do me right. There was no established commitment between us ever. I had only wished there was.

The conversation happened over Snapchat, as many do. It was the next day after the party. At this point, I had been up for nearly 20 hours straight after a long night of semi-heavy drinking and a long day of work almost immediately after. I was telling Him about how shitty I felt physically, and, somehow, we got onto the topic of me saying some things that night. I had no clue what He meant by that and got worried.

What lies had I said that night? I have no feelings for Him anymore. I want nothing to do with Him in any capacity outside of anything platonic. Old friends. Nothing more.

At first, He refused to tell me. At the same time, I was driving around the next town trying to find a good place to buy my dad a burger to eat. I was exhausted, hungry, and, now, stressed. I kept begging and bothering Him to spill the golden secret. It was bothering me so much I was close to dropping the food off at home -if I ever would find any in the first place- and driving to wherever He was.

He said to me, "I don't think it's true. If it's not true, I'm going to be sad, so I'm not going to tell you and just hold onto this for a little while." That's where my heart sunk to my empty stomach. That's where I decided I was going to bother Him about it every single day until He gets tired of me, but, luckily, I didn't need to.

Just a few more pushes and He spilled.

"If I said it when I was drunk it had to be true." I was lying because I know I can still lie drunk if I wanted to. But it was enough to get Him curious for my reaction.

"Ian told me you loved me for four years." More like in love and five years, but I guess it's close enough.

"Five years but yes." The next picture from Him was wordless but said so much, like how He didn't expect me to confirm it.

"I didn't think I'd get this far." Oh, buddy, me neither. I didn't know where to go from here. I had no plan, for once. There was nothing I could gain from this. For the first time since He broke my heart, I had no ulterior motive. I had forgiven Him long ago. Didn't I?

I've been thinking about that a lot recently. I'm pretty sure I've forgiven Him. I'm not looking for revenge anymore. I'm not trying to hurt Him. Last time I checked, He made it known that he only sees me as a good friend, especially after Atlanta. (RECAP: Our group at Warped Tour, which included Cal and Him, left K and me alone together at the venue after we all separated. They went to a hotel and had all of our belongings. He was the only one to wait for us to come out of the venue that night, and He hugged me and kissed my cheek.)

Why did I forgive Him? I like to think it's only because I know now that He had no obligation to do me right. We didn't have a label. We weren't together. I only wanted us to be something more than almost friends with benefits. Now that I'm older, I understand that I should have seen this coming.

Sometimes, I like to be my own enemy and think I forgave him because of the nostalgic love I have for Him. It's not like the kind of love where I want to be with Him. It's the kind where everything is in the past, and I've moved on from my initial feelings for Him. It's the kind of love you would have with an old friend you don't talk to anymore but still, generally, wish the best for. It's the type of love you feel when you look at old photographs from your childhood when life was a lot less complicated and difficult, yet you would not want to go back to those times. I don't regret any of it anymore. The pain He put me through made me who I am today, and I'm pretty grateful.

Sometimes, I like to think of the worst scenarios and think that I might have forgiven Him because of the possibility that I might still be in love with Him. I know that isn't true. I wouldn't be able to stand myself in that situation. I love Kane too much to love anyone else like I love him. 

I can say that after all this time, sometimes, I'm still not over the hurt. Some songs hit a little differently than others. Some nights hurt more than others. Sometimes, I let go of trying to be mature and not vindictive and everything comes back more painful than the time before. I remember looking at Him at His party, drunk and relatively content, and feeling like I was such a fucking idiot for letting someone like Him hurt me.

But, I also remember Ian saying, "yeah, I hear He has that effect on a lot of girls."

He told me once, He thinks I was the root of Him starting His drinking habits. Not gonna lie, I felt pretty content with that piece of information. It was mainly because, at the time of the initial heartbreak, He was the reason behind every drink I had. Every party was because the liquor made me forget about the literal pain I could feel in my heart. Every party allowed me to forget about Him and kiss someone else. That one piece of information wasn't enough for me, though.

I wanted to hurt Him like He hurt me. I wanted to put Him in His place by turning the tables. I was hell-bent. Once I realized that He didn't have to love me back like I wanted Him to, I let go of it all. I didn't want to hurt Him anymore. I stopped caring about my revenge plot. It sounds like I became mature and just, simply, got over it. It also sounds like I might have pretended to be mature as a front, but now that I am thinking about it, I wouldn't have lost every feeling I had for Him if it were anything other than growing up.

And that's on character development, baby.