"You feel like you've got a real purpose and goal in life."
I've been compiling a list of reasons to stick around in this world. The list is short but it's just enough for now with one of those things being my job. The fact that I love my job, what I do here, is a good reason for me to stay.
The fact that if I keep chasing every opportunity, I'll have a chance emerge from somewhere where I'll get to do what I love the most.
That's the only time I feel like I'm worth something. The only time I don't feel useless. But it feels those opportunities are few and far inbetween. That feeling coupled with the fact that even fewer of those opportunities will be fruitful is antagonizing to me.
It's a catch twenty-two.
It's a reason to stay alive but it's also the reason behind my despair. I've come to realize that I never truly transitioned into my old world with a new life. I've been back for a while now but it still feels like this puzzle is missing a few pieces.
I'm on an overarching quest to find those pieces, but this despair is a recurring boss I'm struggling to defeat with every battle. I win only by the skin of the teeth every single time. It's a miracle my health bar isn't fully depleted after every boss fight.
I've come to realize that I cannot live my new life in the old world I once grew up in. The two are just not compatible. It's all just oil and water.
This world continues to drag me down by my ankles while I keep stretching to grab for the hand that my new life holds out for me. I keep making choices that'll help me drag myself out of this darkness, but it's always a high stakes gamble.
If I win, I will be able to finally indulge in the purpose that has been specifically crafted for my life.
If I lose, the world may jerk me too far into the dark lake and hold me down like cinderblocks at my feet.
A part of me feels dread. Another part of me is excited by my fate being held in the balance.
I don't even know if I'll succumb to my old world or if I'll keep attempting to move across the board to the new world I dream of.
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I Don't Need a Metaphor - COMPLETED
Non-FictionSecond installment of the Personal Life of Rose series, if you can call it that. This is the second journal to write out the details of every trifling experience I come across in this weird phase of my life. The first book (Love Me So I Don't Have T...
