I Don't Need a Metaphor - COMPLETED

thirteen

"Every moment spent with you is a gift."

I thought I was better. I thought I had gotten over it all, for the most part. I thought I was okay only to find out I'm still only made up of the broken remnants that he had left me as in the first place. It's been years, yet his ghost still haunts my bones and looms around my nerves like my body is a haunted house for him to play in.

I have a new lover whom I completely adore. No one would ever say it's normal for your lover to start crying during sex, but he understood. He's been in my shoes, after all. I didn't feel the need to communicate my extensive list of boundaries after coming to the conclusion that I may not need to keep all of them around anymore.

I've been spending the past year or so breaking down every little puzzle piece belonging to my psyche in order to create a better, healed version of myself. Not quite a version easier for everyone else to take in and swallow but an easier version of myself that I can live with without feeling only hate and despair for who I am.

--

I know you've been on the same, if not similar, journey for the past year or so, as well. I don't quite know if I believe in fate or destiny, but, if I did, this would fall under the working of fate, I believe.

I'm sitting in your studio apartment while you're at work. You just stopped by to have lunch with me. I've got to start thinking about what we could have for dinner. You're going to be gone from home for the next couple of weeks. You might be back in time from California to see me while I have a trip in the capitol.

During the past few days, I have realized that Kane was right when he said I'm the type of person who just simply loves intimacy as well as spending time with my loved ones. 

You and I love others through acts of service while we also crave intimacy and affection. We want to be loved through physical intimacy and quality time. I would like to think you try to memorize every moment we spent together and every detail of those moments.

I hope, I really fucking hope that our paths are not to run into each other for only this short period of time. I would appreciate it if God allowed this to run quite a lengthy course.

Honestly, it astounds me how similar you and I are. I would like to chalk it up to both of us being Sagittarius and traumatized, but I doubt that that's it. Maybe we were just meant to cross paths. I remember when you played "Twin Flame" by MGK as we were driving down the interstate on our first date. I'm not a huge fan of his, however I did like that song in particular. For a brief moment, I thought you were trying to say something to me through the song. I forced that thought to exit stage left of my mind just as quickly as it entered the scene. 

You said you wanted to take this slow. Of course, I agreed. For once, it's a comfortable slow. I'm not falling headfirst while you are taking baby steps. We're on the same page. We're on the same wavelength.

--

I met your friends the other day. Your last night before going to California. It was Johnny's birthday. They seem like good people. That night, they had invited me to go sing karaoke with them for the next evening at a local Irish pub. I accepted the invite but almost considered backing out of the plans. My anxiety was about to get the best of me.

"I hope your friends like me."

"They'll adore you. They want to initiate you as one of the guys. Just tell them the lifeguard story."

I didn't need to tell them the lifeguard story. I was terrified that they wouldn't approve of me, for lack of a more accurate word. Turns out, they already have good faith in me. They said that they haven't seen you like how you are with me. Zack said he loves how you and I "vibe" when we're together. I promised Johnny that I would never cheat on or lie to you. The thought of ever doing such a thing breaks my heart. All I want is to protect you.

For as long as I hold your heart in my hands, it will be safe.

While we were on our respective drives back to our home-state, I began thinking and realizing that I could very well see myself in love with you, if I wasn't there already. My eyes began to water while you and I showered together. You were washing my hair. With a smile on your face, you asked if I was crying. I laughed and looked up at you with the water running down our skin. Of course, I denied it. The tears just hadn't fallen, yet.

Never have I ever experienced intimacy with another person such like this. Never have I felt uncomfortable with you. It's safe to say you really are the home I've been longing to find. It's glaringly obvious that you and I have serious intentions. We dance around the subject with jokes and glittering eyes shooting admiration at each other when one of us isn't paying attention. Sometimes, I have an urge to tease that particular topic of conversation like how your fingertips dance lightly along my waistband.

I decided to keep that at the bottom of my pocket for it to sit with my lint until the coast is clear from the anxiety that lingers around my bones like the monsters under our beds. 

--

"If you break my heart, that'll be the first thing I break," you said while laughing. You looked like you could've started crying. I was left to my own devices that day. I ended up at Walmart to pick up groceries for dinner that night and decided to get a picture of us printed out for you. I was hoping maybe it would help you feel a little more at home in your apartment when you're not off on a business trip.

--

I used to think I wasn't made for long distance. After meeting you and developing a relationship with you, I discovered that I was just not made for long distance with minimal effort. 

--

You went out drinking with friends last night. It seemed like you had fun, and I'm happy for you. I was at work until late last night. Your last text to me, after a string of gibberish was, "I love you."

I was an hour too late, and I hoped that you were safe after trying to process what you had sent me.

We still haven't talked about it today. The thought of bringing it up gives me anxiety like no other because I do love you, too. Please, don't say it was a mistake.

--

You and I are both drunk, laying in bed together, naked, after our ritual of shedding our walls along with our clothes. Your head is on my chest as I play with your dark curly hair when you say, "I love you."

I'm sure you can hear my heart skip a beat or two as my next breath gets caught in my throat. My mind scrambles to figure out if I had made up you speaking those three little words to me.

You looked up at me after only a beat of silence rang between us. It felt like nearly a decade from the moment you said those words until I felt like it was safe to breathe again. In all actuality, it was a very quick and brief scene. I decided to not gaslight myself.

"I love you, too."