I Don't Need a Metaphor - COMPLETED

twelve

"If I did end up going Active, I want to take you with me."

Am I lying to myself? Inherently lying to him, as well? Do I really love him? Was he just a means to an end? An end to being lonely?

I think I convinced myself to fallen love with a good person who treated me well to make this big, empty world feel less as such. I think I had become increasingly aware of the lack of emotional and physical intimacy that I could only achieve with a partner. Upon this, I made myself see the good within this man without taking into account what I actually needed. I only focused on what I wanted. I didn't take into account what was realistic and practical for me while considering the situation I was in and the situation I was soon to be in.

How can I try to love this man for the attention and love he gives me when I'm at a point where work and personal growth is my main end goal for this phase of my life? How will I juggle these things?

We're long distance, right now. He is to be back home in about a month. He's been gone since January. It took me this long to finally realize what I have gotten myself into.

It's not often I feel guilt for the mistakes I have made. It's incredibly rare, to be honest. Usually, I can acknowledge and accept my mistakes, regardless of the amount of casualties to follow. The thing is, I know he deserves good things. He deserves a good person. He deserves someone who will unconditionally love him. Someone who will support him because they truly believe in him. Someone who does everything for him out of sincerity. Unfortunately, I have realized that I am not that person. He wants me to be, however I am not.

I thought I was so in love with this man, but, now, I have realized that I cannot look at him in such a way. Like I said, he is genuinely a good person who treats me so well. I know his love, care, and support is genuine. I always reciprocate because I know his worth. While knowing his worth, I also know that I have no place in his life.

Right now, I am on a path that requires me to leave the country for work for a year  by the time March comes around. I already like to stay busy with work. I find every opportunity to make professional progress. I know after my year abroad is up, I will be working to the bone to find another opportunity to not stay home for long. That's just how I am. Goal- and career-oriented. I want to move across the country. Maybe permanently move to another country. Something like that is hard to do when you have more baggage than just a suitcase.

He told me that he would like to get married one day. He hopes for us to start our own family one day. He hopes for us to grow old together. I've already lived through those hopeful wishes just for them to come crashing down for the relationship to be left in the rubble. I would like to think that I stopped wishing for those things because I have been met with disappointment too many times. It always ends up with a Bella Swan-style depression. You remember that scene from New Moon? Or, rather, half the plot of the fucking movie? Yeah, that.

Now, I can just see it. The moment I let the truth out, the tables will have turned. Maybe not as metaphorically violently. Hopefully not. I don't want to hurt him, however it's already too late. I keep telling myself that maybe when he comes home, it'll different. Maybe I'll realize that I was just having a moment. That I was just depressed and convinced myself of the worst.

Maybe the loneliness just got the best of me.