I Don't Need a Metaphor - COMPLETED

four

"I need time to sort through my papers."

I have trouble with communication. Some may think it's because I'm stubborn. Some may think it's a product of my upbringing. Some may think it's just because I'm a bit socially stupid.

It's a real issue. Fortunately, it has become a lot better in the recent years than it ever has been. The growth in my abilities to communicate has grown exponentially. I thank my closest loved omes for that. I am aware of the fact that it wouldn't have happened in the first place if I didn't make a conscious effort to change.

Unfortunately, it still is sub-par. When he and I have an issue that needs to be brought up, I tend to have difficulty vocalising my issue. I can see what I want to say. It may not even be an actual physical thing, but I can see it. But, the part where it travels to another part of my brain and turns into proper words to then come out my mouth just doesn't exist. Or, well, it does, but it is very slow and underdeveloped.

I stumble over words and sentences and ideas but none of it fits the criteria of what I'm trying to say. It's almost as if nothing can express what I'm thinking. I believe when I write, it comes out more easily. Probably because I can see it like I can see what's in my head. I can see the words I'm writing and easily backspace to replace the wrong ones. I can paint the picture in my head more easily.

That brings me to the current, specific issue.

I feel he glosses over a chunk of my personal mindset which, in turn, makes me feel he doesn't know me as well. I know and am aware of the fact that he cannot rectify this if he isn't aware of this. When I try to speak it to him, my papers are jumbled and mixed up. I need time to sort through them and make some sense out of it all. The issue with that is he wants to solve any issue right then and there. I need time, but time makes him feel worse. He then tries his best to help me get it out, but it's pulling teeth. Not perfectly healthy teeth but teeth that are loose, not quite loose enough to pull out with ease but instead you need some more elbow grease and force to get them out.

He tries his best to understand and be calm, but it feels like he gets impatient and starts trying to see if shooting out ideas of what it could be would help but, instead, it stresses me out and makes me go blank. That's where the pictures starts to fade, and I can no longer see it. That's where I start to breakdown.

My mindset. That's where we're at right now. I let him see every part of me. Except for the darkest parts. I don't like anyone to see those. The ones where I feel bloodthirsty and angry and like I'm capable of ripping someone apart. Or the ones where I can't trust a single person because any single one of them could be next in line to ruin everything I've worked for and so I go "off the grid," so to speak.

I'm not worried about those parts. In all honesty, I want him to gloss over those parts. I don't want him to see them. I don't want anyone to. Only one person has, and it was a rough night.

I feel like he doesn't understand or see how much his own mindset -or, at least, old aspects he used to carry- has affected me. It only really clicked when he thought I was more of an emotional person rather than a protective one. This only came to mind when that one dumb little personality test came about into conversation one day.

I try very hard to be very assertive and protective. I also try to be powerful in a way. I try to be self-reliant and slef-sufficent. I severely dislike having to rely on others because other people won't deliver.

That's why I don't trust many people. Too many people have turned around to hurt me when I was most vulnerable. This has caused me to try to become more cruel and standoffish. I don't want people around that I can't trust. If I can't trust them, they're useless to be around, in my opinion.