I Don't Need a Metaphor - COMPLETED

three

"I try so hard to be there for her and help her when I can, but she doesn't want help. I'm not going to stand around and wait before, during, and after the figurative car crash she's getting herself into."

When I trust someone, it's generally forever, until otherwise. That otherwise means the trust is gone because they did something wrong and hurt me. Other than my sister and boyfriend, there are enough people I trust without a doubt to count on one hand. It stops there. There had been more at one point in time. Since then, I've learned from my mistakes and have become more selective and picky.

I know for a fact I can trust K. I can trust her with anything. I would never do anything that could make me lose her because, at this point, I actually rely on her. That's not a normal thing for me. To rely on my friends for things. For support. For reassurance. For guidance. For comfort. I would absolutely rather they rely on me for those things, and I would deliver. I know she trusts me like I trust her. She loves me like I love her. I want to protect her and help her. If anything were to take her from me, so God help me, it won't be pretty. It'll be ugly and disgusting. Bursting at the seams with tears and blood, if needed be. There will be dirt caked under my nails to keep our friendship from being buried alive. I'll scream my throat raw. I'll break any bones I have to, even my own, to see that her's are unharmed. And, with that being said, I trust that girl with more than my pathetic life.

I trust Cameron. I know I can. The thing is, it isn't nearly as intense. We are kept at arms length from each other. There are things he does not know about me. I'm willing to bet it's likewise. I'll always be there for him when he needs it. I know he will always be there for me. But, if he and I were to drift like two boats in the sea with unconscious members on each, I'll let it happen. But, every so often I would, of course, paddle my little boat back to him to make sure the seas haven't roughed him up too much. I care for him. If our lives take their respective courses and end up separating, it would be upsetting, but I just hope all is going well for him.

Cal and I used to be inseparable. At some point, though, things changed. It shifted. It was subtle but just enough for me to notice. It's been six or seven years, so far. We've grown together to be someone else entirely, compared to who we were at the start. With that, our friendship has grown to become something else. It feels almost toxic. It's close to feeling like a waste of time.

Ever since she came back, she's been...different. Always talking about basic training and her friends (or battle buddies) and the infamous Salinas. Whom of which seems like she has too much of a liking for as a girl with a boyfriend.

On that note, I feel like there's more going on there. Yes, I think she's fucking him. Or has. She's cheated before. Her and her boyfriend are planning on getting married. He already asked her dad for permission. He's going to propose on Christmas. Yeah, basic, I know, but the point remains.

She has been toxic. She's been lying to us, K and myself, as well as our friend Dakota. God knows who else she's been lying to. She's being controlling towards K. She treats K like K is her child, and she gets angry with her for things K can't control. She takes credit for anything that K has done to help herself, like stop using drugs. Cal says basic was the best time of her life and she misses it, yet, at the same time, she says it was hell because she was there for four months stripped of her rights.

She threw a pity party for herself the second I tried to tell her she should NOT go out and do acid while clubbing in a whole other state with someone she just met at basic training, especially since she wants to reenlist once her injuries recover in a year. Not to mention, she does nothing to help those injuries heal. Her excuse is, "nah, I don't want to."

Ever since she got back, she's had this superiority complex. She even told K that she's better than her because she went to basic training. She has wronged K so much since coming back. Not me so much mainly because I have, more or less, been trying to avoid her. The thought of even being around her infuriates me. I can't stand her rude, arrogant attitude, so I pushed her away.

She claimed that her parents have asked her why she's friends with us because all we do is use her and that she has had to defend us so many times. These are the same parents who were ready to take me in and let me live with them at any given moment. These are the same parents who invite me to family gatherings. The same parents who took K in under their own roof for months. The same parents who have been there to watch me grow up and treat me like their own flesh and blood.

I was the one to pick her up from the airport in the middle of the night. I bawled my eyes out the moment I saw her. I have always done my best to be there for her and to be her voice of reason. Yet, she has the audacity to admit she is still upset with me for "stealing" her boyfriend. That was in 8th grade. That was five years ago. They broke up. I had a crush on him but did nothing about it. Never made a single move on him. Hell, I separated myself from our circle because I felt like I was being third-wheeled. I was there for both of them when their breakup hit and tried to help them get back together. He asked me out and I didn't even say yes. Yet, she is upset with me for all these years for a relationship I didn't actually want to be in and had ended myself.

She also has the audacity to be upset with me and K for being mad and hurt about the Atlanta incident. The same Atlanta incident where we all went to the last Warped Tour two states over with Trey, Paul, and Jada. The same incident where they left K and myself stranded alone at Warped Tour in a whole different state than we live in while being surrounded by strangers without any of our belongings, including our wallets and phones, to go to a hotel and get showers and food. K and I spent hours looking for them before we gave up. We were the very last people out of the venue just to find Trey waiting for us. Not Cal but Trey. And Trey is the same guy I was in love with for five years and got my heart broken by for the first time. He waited for us. And we found out they were going to keep it a secret from us. And when I got pissed off, Cal was the one to laugh, yes fucking laugh, at me when I told her to not talk to me.

K and I were beyond upset at the whole situation. I wanted nothing to do with Cal but tried to fix things with her and not hold a grudge because I loved her. She was my best friend. But, she played the victim when my heart was crushed into countless pieces by the broken trust.

I can't recall if she ever even truly apologized. Would it matter anyways?

I told her I don't trust her nearly as much as I did beforehand and was not sure if I ever could again. In the end, I never did.

I know it's all in the past and that I need to move on and get over it, but all the things she's done, big and small, to tear down my trust for her was too much. When she came back, so did my attempts to build it back, but nothing felt right. Nothing felt right about anything between us. Our relationship felt like a puzzle but every piece is in the wrong spot while someone tries to say it's finished. I couldn't do it anymore. At that point, any love and care I had for her felt fake and forced.

And, yet, I'm the bad guy for being tired of having to fix everything back up again. I'm the bad guy for trying to end a relationship that wasn't on the right course. Sometimes, I think she stopped being my best friend a long time ago. Sometimes, I think I stopped caring for and loving her a long time ago, as well. I never tried to; I always tried to keep the love and care alive, but I tried so hard that I didn't even realize that I didn't want to be there anymore. I think I might have just stayed out of obligation.

If I'm the only one who wanted it to end, that's still enough to let me leave. I'm not going to stay as her best friend and watch her ruin everything she could get going for herself when I couldn't make myself care anymore. It's almost like I fell out of platonic love with the girl who was supposed to be my best friend.