What could have been.

- Chapter 13 -

I had another nightmare last night. It was probably triggered by my encounter with Brent yesterday. I can't help but feel uneasy after waking from them. Each nightmare will differ from one another, yet, the reason for them will stay the same. Perhaps it is my subconscious at battle with my reality. Maybe, leaving me subtly little hints to uncover the truth of what happened that night.

From what I can remember, I was in a car. The likelihood was that I was in the back seat of one as I had my feet up. We were moving fast, faster than any legal limit I can imagine.

Darkness surrounds me. The one consistent thing throughout each of my dreams is that I will be in the dark.

Someone was holding my hand, tightening their grip around my hand the longer time went on. I wanted to curl my fingers around theirs. I wanted to hold their grip the way they were holding mine. To squeeze it, so they knew that I could hear them.

But, all I could do is listen, listen to their sobs. Their sobs became heavy, their breath became desperate, their words became broken.

Three words.

"I'm sorry Sienna."

I'm unsure if it was an admission of guilt or fear. Someone is responsible for ending what was supposed to be a little get together with me at the hospital.

But who spoke those words and why? Was it me? Apologising for how far I let things go, how far I let things unravel to the point where I lost control.

Just like how I'm losing control now.

I thought I had moved on, but the truth is I've been lying to myself because I can't move on without knowing the truth. How can I?

"Chocolate chip muffin." Breaking away from my thoughts I draw my attention to Brody as he places a plate down in front of me, alongside the cup holder with our coffees. "I'll be back." He heads back towards the counter, picking up his plate of what I can guess is a blueberry muffin.

Café per te is always crowded with students no matter what time of day it is. It's situated opposite campus, making it convenient for many of us. The interior is simplistic, cream walls with oak furniture and pictures of the many landmarks in Italy cover the four walls. There are only two three-seater burgundy sofas by the front door and the rest are four or two-seater tables scattered inside.

Brody takes off his beige trench coat, revealing his navy knitted jumper and light blue shirt underneath.
Brody's usual attire is a jumper with the likely shirt underneath paired with blue or black jeans. He carefully placing his coat on the back of his chair before he takes the seat opposite me.

"Can I ask you a question?" I ask. Brody has a way of articulating his words delicately that even if it is something I don't want to hear I don't feel attacked or judged. Brody will tell me the truth, he always does.

"Of course." He responds after swallowing the bite of blueberry muffin he had in his mouth.

"Do you think anyone can truly move on from any situation if they haven't had complete closure? If they haven't got all the answers."

Brody sits back on his chair before saying "It's unlikely that any person can move on if they haven't truly received all the answers. I mean, how can you finish any puzzle with a piece still missing. However, closure isn't always easy to find, especially if the missing piece of the puzzle is out of your hands."

I pick apart my chocolate chip muffin until half of it is a mess of crumbs on the plate. "Is it out of your hands?" Brody asks.

"Yes."

"Completely?"

"I think so."

"You're not being hurt or anything are you?"

"Oh no, no no nothing like that."

"Do you want to talk about it? Fully..."

"It's fine." I fake a smile, breaking my attention away from the mess I've made to meet Brody's gaze.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"

"Honestly, I wouldn't know where to start." I don't think I'm ready to say it out loud. I'm not prepared to admit to both myself and Brody that I haven't left the past in the past and it's very much my present. I want to stay put for a little while longer, hidden away by denial.

"Well, when you do, I'm all ears. Ok?" He gives a reassuring smile as I nod.

After checking the time, we both stand to walk together to class, holding our unfinished coffee cups as we walk. Even though we give ourselves fifteen minutes to walk to class, we're always the first to arrive. Probably if it wasn't for Brody, I would not be as punctual as I typically am.

We sit in our usual seats in the back row, in the far corner, away from any lurking stares by the vultures I know as my classmates. We both prefer to go unseen, if possible. Brody for his families very public name and for me well, we already know why I prefer to stay in the shadows.

While we wait for our classmates to fill up the lecture hall, Brody sets up his laptop and I send Eden a text asking to talk.

Seconds later my phone buzzes. I unlock the screen and thankfully it's a reply from Eden who did not answer any of my previous texts from over the weekend.

Eden: Lunch. Meet me outside the library.